Great job, Nell!! Excellent work. The bonuses are not only did you get your car fixed and those other jobs, but you had a pleasant visit, certainly gave H something to think about and H left from the visit without the usual tension and disharmony. And...the peaceful visit now leaves you sleeping peacefully tonight. You'll find each subsequent visit that little bit easier. You must be feeling awesome!
Yay! Well done. What fantastic DBing especially for a first try. Top of the class I reckon and well done for not rising to some of his comments, it would have been easy to do.
Now let him be as much as you can for a while. Let him ponder that one...
You DB'd perfectly......"Girl you can do it!!!!!" You Did!!!!!!
I am only sorry that I have not been here for you for a few days. I did read through the latest several times and then would run out of time to chime in on my .02 cents.
Very happy that you took my advice and didn't shut the door in his face when he parted. I am happy that you left the light on and waved and smiled til he was out of sight. That is a very smart move. H surely noticed and it made him feel cared about.
The boots.....very good move. Sexy and Smart!!!
Dinner offer.....very good move. It's not his answer, it's the offer, remember that!!!
Your H reminding you to communicate with him (and vice-versa) even if it's via email......very good.
Your H caring to follow through with a few helps around the house......very good.
I see so many positives in your visit. I would say you could put one baby step on the board.
NOW....He did linger because it was hard for him to leave, I would say he had second thoughts about leaving.
Will post more later....I have to go for a bit. I have more to say.
Way to go, girlfriend.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU all you lovely ladeez!!!!! I am so rapt to wake up to your messages. I slept really well (of course) but woke up and it all came drifting back ... it almost felt worse that, because we had a good evening, I subconciously expected H to be lying beside me. The realisation that he was not kicked me in the solar plexus and then some of his comments started to play on my mind - like the fact that he has a two day holiday booked when he is pushing me for every last cent that I don't have and I am saving as much on bills as I can - like not having the heating on even, in this cold weather. If only he knew the sacrifices that I am making - despite he never sees them. It chews me up and, once again, I felt totally spat out. I got out of bed quickly to dispel such thoughts from lingering. I also brought up the STOP sign very quickly in my mind.
Still, it has not dampened my enthusiasm too much and with your positive encouragements I now know that what I did was right ... it's hard to know when it's your first stab at things - after the torturous meetings that we have had. I think that I get it now and it will be a little more intuitive the next time we meet ...
... but when will that be?? I certainly made a point of not asking him and now that I am all geared up to be fully self sufficient in regard tasks around the house, I don't see that he has any need to come to see me again and I certainly don't feel that I have any 'excuses' at this time.
It was lovely to watch him play with the cats and I did behave very badly (although some may say provocatively) on two occasions during the evening - 1) I touched the back of his neck with my car key (sexy fashion, you understand!) and said how neatly the barber had shaved his neck after his recent hair cut and 2) when we were test driving the car, I lightly touched his thigh as I spoke about something - it kind of felt relevant at the time! He didn't flinch on either occasion.
In fact, after he left, I worried about him. If things were OK with OW, surely he would be eating properly and not stressing so much. Something is not right there and I don't know what the bottom line is ... it seems that the A is still on-going but he tells me nothing (didn't even manage to find out if the tramp was over at the weekend but I think so) and yet he seems to be quite depressed and low-key to his normal self. Well, his problem, eh? I can do nothing about it but sit and wait to pick up the pieces when it fails ... which I hope will soon!
I liked that he asked me if I had been out cycling - my helmet and gloves were on the kitchen bench - strategically placed, you understand! I fibbed and said that I had been down the cycle path - well, I had, in my mind!! He also kept on bringing up his parents and them asking after me ... even as he left, he said that there was something else that they wanted him to tell me but he couldn't remember.
Positive gains from last night were:
1) H did not mention the mortgage or money for bills, despite me presenting him with the rates bill - no mention of me paying 2) We talked without fighting and the parting was amicable 3) I DB'ed my little a$$ off! 4) H was responsive and 'warmed' to me as the evening progressed 5) H asked questions - few, but they were there 6) H did 'domestic' tasks - including change a light bulb which failed, just as he walked through the door!
The negatives were:
1) H alluded to the fact that OW is still around 2) Evidently making plans not to share with me - keep thinking he is planning to 'disappear' from my life totally 3) H happy that he has made the right choice by having left and is marching forward to his own future - again, without me 4) Didn't stay longer than his 'set' 2.5hrs 5) No agreed date for return visit - feel like he is going dark and may even be doing subconcious 180's of his own 6) Took more 'stuff' away from our home to furnish his new life - feels kind of permanent that he is doing that
OK - 'to do list' for me over the weekend is:
1) Get out on that bike - even if it's a short ride! 2) See if bike fits in boot of car - H reckons it will 3) Mow front and back lawns
Short term goals are:
1) Continue 180's as last night 2) Get library book on MLC and learn more about the alien 'illness' 3) Remain self-sufficient in domestic situation
It's going to be another lonely time. My new friend's H is back home for the next two weeks and so probably no contact with her -she sees so little of him due to his work commitments and I am keen to stay away - we all know how precious each moment is with H and I wouldn't want to share any of that time, so why would she?!!
Well, today (now the car is back!) I am going to go replace those plants and post my friends present ...
Again, THANK YOU all for taking the time to reply. Best (((hugs))) to everyone.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Try to focus more on the positives from the night and not the negatives. Don't worry about your next contact with H, you have left an impression that he will no doubt be thinking about. Give him time, I'm sure he will make first contact.
You will be more settled now that you know the techniques work and you have started to get a feel for how to handle things.
Good Work again, now have a great day doing your bits and pieces. Keep smiling.
Thanks Oz - you are right. Now that I can see the techniques having worked a bit of their magic for me, I am more encouraged.
Unfortunately, H and I forgot to summarise on some stuff that I needed for the car last evening (evidently carried away with other stuff) and so I have emailed him this morning just to ask what I needed to get. WOW - instead of the one liner that I normally get, this was a paragraph!!!!!! Striiiiiiiike Two!
H was full of an explanation and even told me where to go to get said items. He said "don't let them tell you that you need X or Y as you won't get the benefit and it will cost you three times as much" ... not even saying it will cost 'me' or 'us' that amount!! He seems to have backed off the money thing at the moment, is what I am trying to say.
Oh, and that said, last night I had some more US words given to me, like about the rates - he said "WE get charged extra for having a pool" and "WE can look at that nearer the time" ... which I also saw as a good thing!
Anyhow, after his paragraph, I wrote back and thanked him for his advice and wished him a productive day at work and one that brings at least one smile - I said that I was sad to see him so 'flat' last night and left it at that. Just signed off saying 'talk soon ...'
Do you think that was OK - friendly and validating yet backing off totally??
Huh! How to burst someones bubble - he has just replied "I just had a bad day yesterday - full of the joys of spring today" ... I have not replied but you can just imagine what I am thinking .... yeah, the good old paranoia again
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 08/27/0902:18 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Just ignore his last email. That is just what they do, remember only take on the positive things, file the negative in the recycle bin don't be tempted to bite back.
Good advice. I'm afraid that I did another backslide though. Went to get the consumables for the car and was totally overwhelmed - I rang him. He answered the phone all bright and breezy then sounded 'ordinary' when he heard my voice. He said that his phone hadn't recognised my number, which is odd as it normally does. I giggled and said that he was obviously expecting someone important to ring as he had his 'telephone voice' on!
He kept me on the phone whilst he checked some info on the net and I almost thought that he was going to chat a little while as he umm'ed and ah'ed a little. I just said "OK, well thanks for the info. I shan't stop you at work and we can talk later" ... I hung up as I just heard him say "OK, bye then".
I came home, put the fluids in the car, planted the two replacement plants and now I am sitting here with a huge bowl of salad! It was so tempting to email him and say that I had completed the tasks and now the car should be fine but I deleted the words that I typed and told myself "step away from the email" - hence I jumped straight on to the forum to hang out with my pals here!
I felt like I had broken the back of the day but now I just see the hours stretching out before me again. This time yesterday, I was all excited and practising my lines for the evening. Who knows when I shall get to do that again?
I also see the nights drawing out again and the spring is on it's way. It usually warms my soul but now it makes me shudder. Going in to another season without H here and knowing that he will have moved on so much more without me. I can't bear that he is having a 'secret life' and won't let me know what is going on in his world but it's all part of the process and I know that I just have to swallow it and toughen up like the sparkly little Princess that I once was
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
and well done for not rising to some of his comments, it would have been easy to do.