WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[PMA_Baby!]

I can totally relate to everything you said.

All I can say is it does get better. Especially when you stop blaming yourself. You are right. There is NO EXCUSE for what she did. You just need to start working towards FORGIVING what she did for yourself not her.

Stay strong. PMA

[MrBond]

I would write the letter and give it to her. To hell with burning it. She put you through the ringer and all you've done was explain how you changed for her. Well screw that.

I would write about all of YOUR hurt. the betrayal, the lies, all of it. Sometimes you just need to do it for you. You need to do it because you are going to see her if not soon, then sometime in the near future.

If it affects her in any way, who cares. You are doing it for you for a change. You've swallowed your pride and feelings for too long. She needs to be held accountable.

[confusedinpa]

You just need to start working towards FORGIVING what she did for yourself not her.

PMA,

Maybe it's the lack of sleep or the pitcher of beer I had with dinner tonite, but I don't follow what you are saying here.

Why the heck would I ever forgive her? For me or for her for whatever?

[confusedinpa]

I would write about all of YOUR hurt. the betrayal, the lies, all of it. Sometimes you just need to do it for you.

Part of me is concerned that it will just give her a little more satisfaction for her to realize how she was able to hurt me. Maybe I'm making her out to be more of a monster than she is, but I don't doubt it.

I would hope that she knows how much she has hurt me, but I know that's me trying to jump into her head again or I'm expecting that she would be able to read my mind.

I know she knows I'm mad as that was how I ended the call when I confronted her. That was essentially the last and only time we talked about her affair(s). She had called a couple of times about tactical stuff and I was very detached where I just gave her the yes or no answers (like the guy from Dragnet).

I'm sure she would rationalize it as I'm just back to my cold/emotionless behavior that she had complained about in the past, but I don't care what she spins in her head.

The other side of me wants her to know how much it has hurt me. She had "forgotten" how much I loved her and didn't realize that I had still felt that way as she didn't think I showed her. We had talked about it a few times before the discovery of her affairs. Each time she would cry. I thought it was out of saddness/compassion/love, but now I think it was out of guilt.

Maybe she doesn't know how to come back from what she done. Maybe we were starting to date and I "blew it" when I discovered what she had really been done. Maybe pigs would grow wings and fly (LOL).

It's a lot of maybe's. All I know is that I'm living my life and need to stay looking forward. It is VERY hard to do as I often slip to looking backwards and feeling bad about it.

This is nonsense and crap. And it hurts. But that is the past. I have to live in the present and look to the future.

I do pray to God for strength and wisdom to do so.....

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

[MrBond]

Right there with you buddy. It hurt bad when I found out about my "sweet and innocent" W.

Forget about what everyone is telling you about forgiving her. You'll get to that point when you get to it. You're going to do alot of soul searching between now and then. Just concentrate on how you're going to be when you actually "see" her again. If you're lucky you'll throw up on her.

I would actually cancel seeing her. Maybe if you could say you're sick and can't make it. Which in this case you are...sick of her! LOL

Your son will be hurt, but you have to be mentally ready first.

[confusedinpa]

I had a good call with my boys tonite. For some reason, they couldn't get skype or his laptop going. I just told him to put it in his backpack and I'll take a look at it over the weekend. I heard him tell her and she said she would. We'll see when I pick him up tomorrow.

My 7 year old did ask again about one on one time with his mom. I was torn between giving it to him so I could have one on one time with my 3 year old (we only had it once and he's been asking ever since) vs. losing time with my 7 year old when it is suppose to be my time.

I told him that we'll talk about it when we're together.

Fortunately my 3 year old didn't ask about golf and their's a chance of T-Showers each day this weekend so I may be able to get out of it.

They both knew tomorrow was Thurs so they knew they were going to come home when I picked them up. Normally, I would ask her to join us for dinner and go to the soccer game. I didn't this time. She knows where the soccer game is. I won't stop her from going. I did tell the boys that we will have a yummy dinner but didn't invite her.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know I will am now only 20 hours away from seeing my boys. I can't wait to coach my 7 year old's soccer team, play baseball with my 3 year old and just be together to experience the moments with my boys, where ever those moments lead us......

Yeah! Feels like I'm back to a up moment!

[confusedinpa]

That was a short lived up moment. Around 11 PM, I couldn't stay up any longer so I wound up crashing before 11:30 PM (earliest in weeks - usually it was closer to 2 AM). I thought I was going to get plenty of sleep (7 hours - I get up at 6 AM to get to work), but woke up twice last nite with the same nightmare as last nite (last time my wife and I were intimate). Both times I woke up in a cold sweet (even though I had the hotel room set at 65).

I just can't shake it out of my head. How fond/happy memories can all deteriorate to utter disgust and betrayal? I had long questioned when my wife would beat me up about the past, she would always find a negative to any positive memory I had. They seemed like minor negatives. They seemed so easily fixable when she brought them up during the weekly verbal beatings she would give me.

I don't see how you fix this level of betrayal though. Or perhaps I am being too closed minded to this. But the anguish is all a moot point as she has shown no remorse nor made any move towards doing so.

The past several months, I have been trying to prepare for being ok with or without her in my life. She will always be in the boys life as she is their mother, as I will always be in their lives as I am their dad. I guess the big difference now is that all hope of her in my life is now gone.

The hope that would bring a smile/warmth in my heart of the possibility has been replaced by disgust and betrayal. I know I can't live like that. It won't be healthy for me mentally nor physically.

I do feel like I'm stuffing it and hiding it as I was talking to someone at work last week. She had said someone was complaining about some nonsense. I told her that I was in a real grumpy mood and would love to tell them that they know where the door is if they don't like it, but knew that wasn't the right thing to do. I told her I had been grumpy mood for the past 2 weeks. She said she never would have guessed as I seemed so upbeat and positive.

I'm trying to prevent myself from sliding too far into a funk. I think I'm holding on. I do know that I will see my boys in less than 9 hours. Yeah!

[givingitmyall]

Have run with your boys. Really focus on them right now.

[Tomato]

cipa

thinking of you man. sorry about the continued nightmares.I will pray that the Lord will relieve you of them.

Have a safe commute home to the boys. Keep taking deep breaths and just live in the moment. Experience and enjoy the little things that life has to offer. There are many blessings for you to enjoy and give thanks to the Lord for. I'll talk to ya soon. Be well.

Ted

[confusedinpa]

Ironically, that was one of the complaints she had. After the Jan bomb, she said that she felt that I focused so much of my time and energy on the boys, the house and my job, that she felt there was none left for her. I told her that I was doing all of that for her - because I loved her and was trying to give her everything. She just replied that I never gave her myself.

I couldn't argue with that and I own that piece of it and am a better person for it so I won't repeat my mistake. The problem is, that is still not an excuse for cheating and violating the trust and promise we made to each other.

I know she felt that I cheated her of a "happy, loving" life over the past 10 years. I thought I was giving that to her. So that was a mistake. It was not a conscious act.

Cheating is a conscious act of betrayal and hurt, not just to me but to the boys. Even someone as blind as her must see that.

So I do focus on the boys and am trying to build myself up and focus on me. I know there are many wonderful caring people out so I refuse to let myself be jaded by one person. I am the only one who can control my happiness. I know I will be happy with who ever is in my life in the future.

As one of my dear friends have told me, as long as I live life honorably, I can always hold my head up high, regardless of the outcomes. I have nothing to be ashamed of how I've lived my life in my marriage. I have nothing to hide. I can be proud of that.

So it sounds like I'm back on track to an up moment..... less than 8 hours till I see my boys!