Okie dokey. Once again, I relate to her. I disappeared into H and then when the kids came, I disappeared into them. Didn't need to eat my food (now I tell them to eat their own!), had pretty much lost interest in anything that required me to commit to being away from them or focus on myself.
I am telling you this, do what you want with it. I would hate for you to leave her like my H left me. I would hate for you to give up on her like my H gave up on me. Thankfully, you are not the same as my H so I don't want to treat you like you are...
I think you need a massive 180. I think you should demand that she get help for her depression. You can't live like this and neither can she and the kids. I think you should tell her if she does not seek help then you want a divorce (and mean it)...
Ok, so you're not there. Another 180...start going out more and separate for all intents and purposes. Stop enabling her. I was different from her but similar. I have only really taken care of myself and re-invested in myself because H left and I had to.
How can she be motivated to bust out of her grey life if everything is just chugging along as is?
I don't know what to tell you. Chopping up special foods to try to balance her mood, that is one of the most dedicated and creative things I've ever heard of. But, this doesn't seem to be cutting it.
What do you think you can do to turn a corner here?