Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

Journaling:

Let's see. This past weekend we took the kids fishing. My W had that "I really don't want to be here" look on her face the whole time. It was even her idea.

On Monday, it was my oldest D's birthday. Since I was on furlough that day and my D had no school, we decided to go and see the movie "Shorts". My W called in sick to join us. We had a great time and we were laughing and talking.

Later that night, she turned in with the girls and didn't bother to say "goodnight" even though I was right there. For some reason this irked me, so I went in to say 'goodnight' to them. I lingered looking at my W and she saw me. She responded with "What's your problem?" That's when I started feeling angry again.

I told her nothing and left it at that. Later that night, I thought about everything that's been going on and while things between us have gotten 100% better, her MLC attitude was starting to wear me down.

So then I thought, to heck with it. And proceeded to write out a long email pretty much saying how I was getting tired of her attitude and that she should start looking for help. Because I have no idea how any one can stay depressed for that long. I also went out to say that she should leave if she's just waiting for the next guy to come around because I'm no one's second choice. I have detached enough that I stated everything matter-of-factly and was actually interested to see what her response was going to be.

I emailed it to her working place and she received it on Tuesday. So Tuesday comes around and when she comes home, I'm curious to see what she has to say. She doesn't say anything about my message, but just talks about her day and dinner. So last night as she's turning in, she does it again and ignores me. I go in and ask her if she's doing all of this stuff to hurt me on purpose. She really didn't hurt me, but I was interested in what her reaction was going to be.

She looked at me puzzled and mentioned how our D's had told me 'goodnight'. I told her it wasn't about them, but her. She looked at me confused again.

That look of confusion pretty much summed up her MLC to me. I think she needs to go on meds or get her hormones checked or something. I even mentioned that to her in my email. But I know it's something that she has to figure out on her own.

If there's one thing about MLC I've noticed it's that it is like alcoholism. The people in it have to realize they have a problem before they can get better. Could also be a little post-partum. I just don't know how anyone would want to choose to be so depressed for so long.

[aliveandkicking]

What are you going to do?

[MrBond]

That, my dear, is an excellent question.

She has her ups and downs and I've been getting into the grooves of when those happen. Right now she's slowly feeling up again. She seems receptive to do pretty much anything that has to do with the kids. So I've been planning some really fun "active" activities that she can participate in. If she doesn't want to, no problem.

For the most part, I've been staying upbeat and keeping things under control in the home. Keeping the kids happy and such. It's when I noticed that she didn't seem happy even with the kids, that I figured there was something wrong.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned before that when I wanted my needs fulfilled that it was too much for her. Since we first started going out, she's always been a "whatever you want to do" type of person. Now with the kids, she'll say "whatever the kids want to do". If I ask her for her opinion about things to do, she'll shrug and just say "whatever". Even when we go out to eat, she'll order something for the kids and just eat what they're having. I brought that to her attention last night that she's always done that. Which made her a prime victim for her boss to take advantage.

Don't get me wrong, I know she did real bad with that and will hold her seriously accountable for it. I just don't think she has the emotional capacity to do it right now.

So I've been giving her space and letting things be her choice on whether or not to participate in things. Now, I make sure she realizes that it's HER decision to participate and not me telling her she has to do it. That's why it surprised me when she called me "controlling". Oh please.

Any suggestions from the gallery?

[MrBond]

Oh one other thing I've been doing is seeing what foods enhance mood. So I've been cooking stuff like fish and it actually helps to boost her mood.

If only I could grind some anti-depressants in there too! LOL

[givingitmyall]

Stuck,

That's why it surprised me when she called me "controlling".

Her telling you you're controlling is actually a form of control.

Hang in there man. Despite your sitch, you sound strong.

[MrBond]

Thanks GIMA.

Oh I know it's a form of her controlling things. She's got the worst case of "projection-itis" I've ever experienced. All her insecurities are suddenly mine. With that knowledge I just let it go as best I can.

I look at her with pity now more than anything else.

[aliveandkicking]

Okie dokey. Once again, I relate to her. I disappeared into H and then when the kids came, I disappeared into them. Didn't need to eat my food (now I tell them to eat their own!), had pretty much lost interest in anything that required me to commit to being away from them or focus on myself.

I am telling you this, do what you want with it. I would hate for you to leave her like my H left me. I would hate for you to give up on her like my H gave up on me. Thankfully, you are not the same as my H so I don't want to treat you like you are...


I think you need a massive 180. I think you should demand that she get help for her depression. You can't live like this and neither can she and the kids. I think you should tell her if she does not seek help then you want a divorce (and mean it)...

Ok, so you're not there. Another 180...start going out more and separate for all intents and purposes. Stop enabling her. I was different from her but similar. I have only really taken care of myself and re-invested in myself because H left and I had to.

How can she be motivated to bust out of her grey life if everything is just chugging along as is?

I don't know what to tell you. Chopping up special foods to try to balance her mood, that is one of the most dedicated and creative things I've ever heard of. But, this doesn't seem to be cutting it.

What do you think you can do to turn a corner here?

[MrBond]

AAK,

Well that's the dilemma. I thought about giving her an ultimatum like that, but I don't think she's at that point where she'd go for it. I think she still has that "one foot out the door" mentality.

Let me ask you then. If your H told you to start focussing on him and your own life (as an individual) while you were still into your kids, what would you have told him? What would you have told him if he told you that you were depressed?

I'd be curious to hear from those who had the S that came out of MLC as well as those who came out of MLC.

Would an ultimatum work?

[aliveandkicking]

You give an ultimatum when you are ready to accept whatever the outcome will be.

I'm thinking about the rest of your post.

[MrBond]

So true. I do accept the fact that she may leave or stay. I'm fine with both. It's my kids I'm worried about. Especially my oldest. So I think I'll hold on the ultimatum a bit longer.

So tonight, I'm asking her how her day was. She sounded a little irked, but lightened up after awhile and just started talking. Then almost as an afterthought, she asked me how my day was. This was something that I mentioned in my email to her that I needed. I needed to talk to someone about my day and just to talk. She hadn't done that in a long time. So last night I was quietly happy that she remembered. But I'm taking it as a one time deal for now.

Question is, if she was really checked out of the M, why would she even ask? I could also tell that she was looking at me playing with our kids across the room. I think she is conflicted big time.

I'm kind of taking it like that Laura Munson person who wrote that article in the NYT about her H who seemed to be in MLC. She rode it out and let him sort it out himself. Right now, that's what I'm trying to do.

Any thoughts, anyone?