For pity's sake, finish the story!! Don't leave us HANGING HERE...
Quote: After the movie, we put the little one to bed, then I sat on the couch, put my wife on my lap, held her and told her that I'm willing to court her all over again if necessary. I also said that during this separation, our eyes may drift to others, but that those *others* will never have what we have together, that we've experienced some serious ups and downs in the marriage, but that we love each other very much and just need to start at the beginning and rediscover each other. It'll take baby steps, and lots of time, but will be worth it.
So what did she DO when you put her on your lap? What did SHE say when you told her you wanted to start all over again from step one?! GAWD... I'm hanging on the edge here...
As an aside, I am very glad to hear that you see the infinite possibilities before you... that's more like it.
I've decided that once you get all your 'stuff' figured out, you can host a massive party on the beach and tell us when and where it is, so we can all show up and crash your party en masse (maybe a renewal of the wedding vows, eh?)
Isn't that nice of me? Yeah, I thought so too.
Keep your whits about you and shore up your reserves for work tomorrow... please finish the story, and keep up posted.
Okay, okay. I guess I did leave you hanging, didn't I. Hate to see Corri apoplectic.
After we put our daughter to bed, we were hugging as if we were saying goodnight, then I guided her by the hand to the couch, sat down, then had her sit on my lap. She threw her legs up on the couch, laying across me, and looking closely into my eyes. She didn't have any problemt with it so far. I held her firmly, and we had our chat. She basically agreed to everything that I said, and mentioned that she wanted to learn to be friends with me again, and to learn why she originally fell in love with me. She asked me to please be patient with her. I then kissed her softly....she's not willing, it seems, to kiss deeply...and left for the night.
We met again today for a party, and had a nice time. We sat together, and I would kiss her cheek or her shoulder, and be attentive to her as much as possible. When we got home, we put the daughter down for a nap, and I left so she could have some quiet, alone time. I went to a Laker game with a buddy tonight, and on the way home I stopped to buy a card with a harmlessly romantic message on it, and wrote something nice for her. I wanted to slide it under the front door, but it wouldn't go, so I knocked on the door, and handed it to her before kissing her goodnight.
All in all, it was a very satisfying weekend. I asked her what was different for her about the weekend, as compared to recent months. She said she thought it best to be a friend to me, after what's gone on at work this past week. Even though the weekend was nice, here's my question: Does she just want to be friends with me, or do you see some potential in her actions towards me? Six months from now, am I still just going to be her friend? How *patient* should I be? Is this just a new way of hers to keep me at a distance? Is she enjoying my company, while fantasizing about a fireman? Pardon the negativity; my actions are genuine and loving, and can continue to be, but me thoughts go elsewhere sometimes.
Ah. That's nice. I'm feeling rather mushy. Thank you for filling in.
As for your questions, let's pretend this isn't your wife for a minute, but someone you've just met and has really caught your fancy. Now ask yourself the same questions. I think if you approach all of this with the intent of being 100% honest and above board in all that you do and say, you will be doing all that you can.
When talking about levels of patience, remember that patience is actually a combination of our own empathy and tolerance that we GIVE to someone else. No one can tell you how empathetic and tolerant you should be of someone else's life, views, actions, feelings. Only you can decide that. But if you can be empathetic and tolerant, and not take every action, word, and deed personally, I believe you will find your own answers as you need them.
I'm going to bring this up, and you may not like it. I find it really interesting that this 'fireman' has rattled your cage. Now you are wondering if you can really 'trust' your wife, and you are wondering if she is thinking of you or fantasizing about him. It was a real bash to your ego, a real stab in the solar plexus when you found out about it, wasn't it?
You are now on the other side of the fence. Now you see things from a different point of view. This isn't my way of saying it's 'payback' time. It is my way of saying that you have now experienced a similar situation from both sides of the field. You now have unique perspective. So what are you going to do with what you've learned? How can it help you in rebuilding your relationship with your wife? Given your feelings of this situation, does it help you to be more understanding, empathetic and tolerant of what your wife may have been feeling before, and what she might be feeling now?
Stop worrying about her, Cloud. You can't control her and you can't control this outcome. As soon as you can own that, you will be free to be completely you, and she will be free to be completely her. You have an opportunity to get to know one another as you never have before. Don't let the word 'friend' put you off. Don't 'plan' this, experience it. The minute you try to force the outcome, ANY outcome, is when it is going slap you in the face. If you have no expectations of it, or of your wife, then you can trust whatever comes.
Hope that helps in some way. I just looked back over what I wrote and it sounds a little guru-ish to me. But, I'm not changing any of it.
I will keep you in my thoughts and meditations today that all goes well for you at work, too.
You sound more sane in the last few posts, what a relief. You are making baby steps in some ways with the W and job, so keep heading in those directions. It may be slow, sometimes a slog through the mud, but there seems to be positive movement with both. I know you want some kind of timeframe as to when this will resolve but there just isn't one. Your biggest obstacle is your W has not come to terms with forgiving you, even though you have done everything possible to gain her forgiveness. If you acheive true forgiveness from her then you will know that the R is possible. Without it, you will have this hang over you and taint the relationship.
Moving out has given me a clearer head to deal with things. I just don't feel as stressed and unsure as I did while I was still at home. I feel like a vagabond without my own place but my friends have been great to me.
I hope that the pimp pad decorating scheme is coming together smoothly. Will you be putting thoses lovely, noisey, beads on all of the doors? People told me that they were for privacy (you can see right through them!) but I think that they were to let you know someone else was in the "pad."
You have attended several functions with her, the movie was her invitation and you have talked, held each other and kissed. I'm really jealous......but happy that things have progessed this weekend for you.
Sounds as if the fireman thing might just have been wishful thinking on her part...You can get unrequited crushes on people just like you did in grade school. Perhaps that is all that it was.
Corri, I like the idea of crashing the party on the beach when things turn around for C9. We can decide what to bring later, but I know we will have fun partying together.
Corri, your advice is good, and I don't take offense at your comments about the fireman. To be honest though, it wasn't so much the fireman, as it was reading how it good it would feel to her to kiss and make love with a man that she is truly attracted to. The fireman just represented a placeholder for that man, I think. I have long felt that she is not attracted to me in the way I need her to be: attractive enough to want me physically. Reading that comment just confirmed what she kept denying, but I felt was true. (Men have instincts about these things, too.) It still hurt to read it with my own eyes.
I'm happy to spend time with her, and even if my head is telling me negative things, I'm keeping them there. She knows what I need from her, and she knows what she has to deal with. She needs to come to her own conclusion as to whether or not she wants me as a husband and a lover.
If I really threw a party, would you come? Would mean travelling to L.A.
I have been telling my wife for months that if she does not love me, for her to let me go. That it's okay. It would hurt, of course, but I'd rather know the truth. She has told me on more than one occasion that she does love me, and can meet me more than halfway on my needs. Then she turns around and keeps the sex life as it was, and doesn't follow thru on important things she says she'll do for the relationship, leaving me feel like I'm not a priority.
In reading her journal and seeing that comment she wrote, I just think that I was right all along, and that she was unwiling to suffer the pain of a breakup, so she lied to me and told me it was fine, when it wasn't. Talk about "cheeseless tunnels". Am I going down another one?
Fireman, or no fireman, I want to avoid tunnels. I want the bright sunshine of realized expectations.
The pain you experiened in not feeling attractive to your wife, having that 'gut feeling' confirmed, is probably the same way she felt when your past indiscretion came to light. I don't know that for certain, but I'd say it is a good guess.
I only continue to bring this up because you have an opportunity to walk in your wife's shoes, and that could give you some invaluable perspective. That's all I mean by it, no judgments attached. If you felt unloved and unattractive when you read that, I would well imagine she felt the same way. It could be that when she says she doesn't 'trust' you, what that could mean is that she doesn't really believe that you love her the way she needs to be loved. Conversely, you may want to say to her, "If you don't love me the way I need to be loved, then you need to let me go."
I think this is a little more honest and lets her know what she is up against. See what I mean? And maybe you need to find out how she needs to be loved and see if you have it in you, too.
So are you still employeed? Did that work out okay?
And yes, my H and I would travel to LA if you invited us to a party. We're always up for a Road Trip, provided we can get all our ducks in a row to swing it, you know? I think it'd be cool to go to L.A. -- I've never been. Well, that's a lie, I've been to LAX twice, but I don't think that really counts.
But if you are going to have a party, you have to schedule it between earthquakes and brush fires, k? No street riots, hurricanes, mudslides, or on gubenitorial recall election day. Isn't it wonderful how I set all these parameters for your party?
You have been makeing some progress on your R, you rotten dog, you, and still complaining!! Dude, there is some light in the tunnel even if you cannot see the end or predict the outcome of the Sitch. Patience is hard right now because we both want to be swept off our feet by our Spouses that finally realize what is going on with us. You have a chance for things to turn around, but you must try to be patient.
There is nothing wrong with wanted to be loved, cherished, adored and courted by our mates. They just can't, won't, don't know how, but I don't think it is because they just don't give a d*mn. Something is stopping them dead in their tracks. Wish I knew how to fix this problem but no answers for me, either.
It is demoralizing that your mate can't crave you like you do them. But you know who and what you are. Somedays I have all of the self confidence in the world, and other days I have none becasue of all of this crap. But I know in the long run that whatever happens with me, I will be stronger and more in control of my own spirit than I am right now. It is hard to find the strength each day, but I do and you can, too.
Remember, there is this party on the beach that we are expecting. Clambake theme? Just a suggestion....
Oooohhhh - I LOVE Clambakes!! Can we wear cut off shorts and flips flops?! Real beach bum attire? Sand volleyball? Man, I would be all OVER that in two seconds.
How's the H, Jo? Does he call? Do you talk? At all?
I thought of the clambake suggestion because I love seafood and being so close to the coast I thought might as well take advantage of the bounty of nature. C9 might have other suggestions since he will be the host, it will be his call as to what the party theme will be......
As far as the H goes, zip and dooda in that dept. He called to ask to dinner but I was not going to cross town in half an hour to meet him and I had just started dinner myself. He asked me to do something for him that I took care of, and we talked for about an hour on the weekend. No progress at all. Really bumming for me. As Cloudy stated earlier, I do not feel like a priority at all, just a person that makes his life easier....Still keeping on keeping on. I don't want to throw in the towel yet, but somedays I feel that I should. H is still delaying the counseling. So to sum up in a nutshell, not squat happening here.
