WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I would write about all of YOUR hurt. the betrayal, the lies, all of it. Sometimes you just need to do it for you.

Part of me is concerned that it will just give her a little more satisfaction for her to realize how she was able to hurt me. Maybe I'm making her out to be more of a monster than she is, but I don't doubt it.

I would hope that she knows how much she has hurt me, but I know that's me trying to jump into her head again or I'm expecting that she would be able to read my mind.

I know she knows I'm mad as that was how I ended the call when I confronted her. That was essentially the last and only time we talked about her affair(s). She had called a couple of times about tactical stuff and I was very detached where I just gave her the yes or no answers (like the guy from Dragnet).

I'm sure she would rationalize it as I'm just back to my cold/emotionless behavior that she had complained about in the past, but I don't care what she spins in her head.

The other side of me wants her to know how much it has hurt me. She had "forgotten" how much I loved her and didn't realize that I had still felt that way as she didn't think I showed her. We had talked about it a few times before the discovery of her affairs. Each time she would cry. I thought it was out of saddness/compassion/love, but now I think it was out of guilt.

Maybe she doesn't know how to come back from what she done. Maybe we were starting to date and I "blew it" when I discovered what she had really been done. Maybe pigs would grow wings and fly (LOL).

It's a lot of maybe's. All I know is that I'm living my life and need to stay looking forward. It is VERY hard to do as I often slip to looking backwards and feeling bad about it.

This is nonsense and crap. And it hurts. But that is the past. I have to live in the present and look to the future.

I do pray to God for strength and wisdom to do so.....

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.