UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU all you lovely ladeez!!!!! I am so rapt to wake up to your messages. I slept really well (of course) but woke up and it all came drifting back ... it almost felt worse that, because we had a good evening, I subconciously expected H to be lying beside me. The realisation that he was not kicked me in the solar plexus and then some of his comments started to play on my mind - like the fact that he has a two day holiday booked when he is pushing me for every last cent that I don't have and I am saving as much on bills as I can - like not having the heating on even, in this cold weather. If only he knew the sacrifices that I am making - despite he never sees them. It chews me up and, once again, I felt totally spat out. I got out of bed quickly to dispel such thoughts from lingering. I also brought up the STOP sign very quickly in my mind.

Still, it has not dampened my enthusiasm too much and with your positive encouragements I now know that what I did was right ... it's hard to know when it's your first stab at things - after the torturous meetings that we have had. I think that I get it now and it will be a little more intuitive the next time we meet ...

... but when will that be?? I certainly made a point of not asking him and now that I am all geared up to be fully self sufficient in regard tasks around the house, I don't see that he has any need to come to see me again and I certainly don't feel that I have any 'excuses' at this time.

It was lovely to watch him play with the cats and I did behave very badly (although some may say provocatively) on two occasions during the evening - 1) I touched the back of his neck with my car key (sexy fashion, you understand!) and said how neatly the barber had shaved his neck after his recent hair cut and 2) when we were test driving the car, I lightly touched his thigh as I spoke about something - it kind of felt relevant at the time! He didn't flinch on either occasion.

In fact, after he left, I worried about him. If things were OK with OW, surely he would be eating properly and not stressing so much. Something is not right there and I don't know what the bottom line is ... it seems that the A is still on-going but he tells me nothing (didn't even manage to find out if the tramp was over at the weekend but I think so) and yet he seems to be quite depressed and low-key to his normal self. Well, his problem, eh? I can do nothing about it but sit and wait to pick up the pieces when it fails ... which I hope will soon!

I liked that he asked me if I had been out cycling - my helmet and gloves were on the kitchen bench - strategically placed, you understand! I fibbed and said that I had been down the cycle path - well, I had, in my mind!! He also kept on bringing up his parents and them asking after me ... even as he left, he said that there was something else that they wanted him to tell me but he couldn't remember.

Positive gains from last night were:

1) H did not mention the mortgage or money for bills, despite me presenting him with the rates bill - no mention of me paying
2) We talked without fighting and the parting was amicable
3) I DB'ed my little a$$ off!
4) H was responsive and 'warmed' to me as the evening progressed
5) H asked questions - few, but they were there
6) H did 'domestic' tasks - including change a light bulb which failed, just as he walked through the door!

The negatives were:

1) H alluded to the fact that OW is still around
2) Evidently making plans not to share with me - keep thinking he is planning to 'disappear' from my life totally
3) H happy that he has made the right choice by having left and is marching forward to his own future - again, without me
4) Didn't stay longer than his 'set' 2.5hrs
5) No agreed date for return visit - feel like he is going dark and may even be doing subconcious 180's of his own
6) Took more 'stuff' away from our home to furnish his new life - feels kind of permanent that he is doing that

OK - 'to do list' for me over the weekend is:

1) Get out on that bike - even if it's a short ride!
2) See if bike fits in boot of car - H reckons it will
3) Mow front and back lawns

Short term goals are:

1) Continue 180's as last night
2) Get library book on MLC and learn more about the alien 'illness'
3) Remain self-sufficient in domestic situation

It's going to be another lonely time. My new friend's H is back home for the next two weeks and so probably no contact with her -she sees so little of him due to his work commitments and I am keen to stay away - we all know how precious each moment is with H and I wouldn't want to share any of that time, so why would she?!!

Well, today (now the car is back!) I am going to go replace those plants and post my friends present ...

Again, THANK YOU all for taking the time to reply. Best (((hugs))) to everyone.