Ah. That's nice. I'm feeling rather mushy. Thank you for filling in.
As for your questions, let's pretend this isn't your wife for a minute, but someone you've just met and has really caught your fancy. Now ask yourself the same questions. I think if you approach all of this with the intent of being 100% honest and above board in all that you do and say, you will be doing all that you can.
When talking about levels of patience, remember that patience is actually a combination of our own empathy and tolerance that we GIVE to someone else. No one can tell you how empathetic and tolerant you should be of someone else's life, views, actions, feelings. Only you can decide that. But if you can be empathetic and tolerant, and not take every action, word, and deed personally, I believe you will find your own answers as you need them.
I'm going to bring this up, and you may not like it. I find it really interesting that this 'fireman' has rattled your cage. Now you are wondering if you can really 'trust' your wife, and you are wondering if she is thinking of you or fantasizing about him. It was a real bash to your ego, a real stab in the solar plexus when you found out about it, wasn't it?
You are now on the other side of the fence. Now you see things from a different point of view. This isn't my way of saying it's 'payback' time. It is my way of saying that you have now experienced a similar situation from both sides of the field. You now have unique perspective. So what are you going to do with what you've learned? How can it help you in rebuilding your relationship with your wife? Given your feelings of this situation, does it help you to be more understanding, empathetic and tolerant of what your wife may have been feeling before, and what she might be feeling now?
Stop worrying about her, Cloud. You can't control her and you can't control this outcome. As soon as you can own that, you will be free to be completely you, and she will be free to be completely her. You have an opportunity to get to know one another as you never have before. Don't let the word 'friend' put you off. Don't 'plan' this, experience it. The minute you try to force the outcome, ANY outcome, is when it is going slap you in the face. If you have no expectations of it, or of your wife, then you can trust whatever comes.
Hope that helps in some way. I just looked back over what I wrote and it sounds a little guru-ish to me. But, I'm not changing any of it.
I will keep you in my thoughts and meditations today that all goes well for you at work, too.
