I don't know if this will help for you, but when my husband is distant (as he is almost always now) I run to this board or my DB book and work it! I talk to people here, read posts similar to mine, get inspired by all the strong people who have done DBing and seeing changes. My advice is, come here for reassurance, not to him.
I guess I wish I knew if he meant any of those things. I wish I knew if he really trying to decide something or just trying to work through it.
He was late picking getting home last night so I had to take the kids to work with me. When he came to get them he was just a jerk. Barely talking, when I asked why he didn't let me know he was late or answer the phone he shrugged. When I got home from work, the house was trashed, the kids hadn't eaten and they were running around while he was in the bedroom.
I didn't R talk, but I told him that he needed to stop leaving me hanging on the way home, that even D7 has noticed that his not reliable anymore, and he is not allowed to treat me this way. I am trying to learn to give him space and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I told him I love him and want our family, but he needs to realize that whatever he's going through is hurting all of us. He said ok and seemed to make an effort to improve.
I see he's still not in contact with her and he's still here. Those are good things.
Does anyone have thoughts about possible feelings? Could he rally be wondering if he loves me and wants his family? Could he simply be struggling with guilt, shame, and remorse?
Thank you all for your comforting words and kicks in the butt.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
Our instinct is to reinforce for them that we love them and we care for them. It’s counter intuitive and feels weird but you have to stop. Just take a step back. If he were really not going to kiss you and you basically forced him to….how do you think that made him feel? I’m not sure, that’s up to you to decide but if you think it had a negative reaction, if it felt like pressure then you have to let that go for now. It’s hard, but stop the R talk and stop the R habits or at least slow them down, back up a bit.
I guess I wish I knew if he meant any of those things. I wish I knew if he really trying to decide something or just trying to work through it.
He was late picking getting home last night so I had to take the kids to work with me. When he came to get them he was just a jerk. Barely talking, when I asked why he didn't let me know he was late or answer the phone he shrugged. When I got home from work, the house was trashed, the kids hadn't eaten and they were running around while he was in the bedroom.
I didn't R talk, but I told him that he needed to stop leaving me hanging on the way home, that even D7 has noticed that his not reliable anymore, and he is not allowed to treat me this way. I am trying to learn to give him space and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I told him I love him and want our family, but he needs to realize that whatever he's going through is hurting all of us. He said ok and seemed to make an effort to improve.
I see he's still not in contact with her and he's still here. Those are good things.
Does anyone have thoughts about possible feelings? Could he rally be wondering if he loves me and wants his family? Could he simply be struggling with guilt, shame, and remorse?
Thank you all for your comforting words and kicks in the butt.
Well, you said you are thankful for a kick in the butt, well here it is.
Everytime you bitch at him, or tell him that you do not deserve to be treated like this, you are putting another nail in the coffin that is your marriage. Everytime you tell him that that he is the one that is hurting the whole family, another shovel of dirt is filled on the grave that your marriage is becomming. YOU ARE DOING THIS, NOT HIM!
EVERYTIME HE HEARS YOU COMPLAIN, it makes him think of how he could get to that reunion without you being there.
Did your bitching work, did it make everything better, did he seem closer to you afterwards.
Next time, just be pleasant and upbeat, pretend he is an aquantance so you will be nice to him. Then after you leave you can bitch all you want to us and to yourself how much of a slob he is.
HE IS HURTING, and you are hurting him more. He has to figure this out on his own, just like my wife did. I did what you did, but the only time I got results is when I worked on myself and let her alone to figure it all out.
She even came to me apologizing after I let her alone for about a week that she was sorry she had been in such a bad place but she had to figure things out for herself before she could work on us. After a few months, we started to work on us. Now everthing is wonderful, and I am better for it.
Hope this helps. You want advice, now damn it use it.
Well, you said you are thankful for a kick in the butt, well here it is.
Everytime you bitch at him, or tell him that you do not deserve to be treated like this, you are putting another nail in the coffin that is your marriage. Everytime you tell him that that he is the one that is hurting the whole family, another shovel of dirt is filled on the grave that your marriage is becomming. YOU ARE DOING THIS, NOT HIM!
EVERYTIME HE HEARS YOU COMPLAIN, it makes him think of how he could get to that reunion without you being there.
Did your bitching work, did it make everything better, did he seem closer to you afterwards.
Next time, just be pleasant and upbeat, pretend he is an aquantance so you will be nice to him. Then after you leave you can bitch all you want to us and to yourself how much of a slob he is.
HE IS HURTING, and you are hurting him more. He has to figure this out on his own, just like my wife did. I did what you did, but the only time I got results is when I worked on myself and let her alone to figure it all out.
She even came to me apologizing after I let her alone for about a week that she was sorry she had been in such a bad place but she had to figure things out for herself before she could work on us. After a few months, we started to work on us. Now everthing is wonderful, and I am better for it.
Hope this helps. You want advice, now damn it use it.
Burt
You're right. Thank you.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
I can relate. My H took care of our children last night so I could go to the theater. Positive - he took care of the girls so that I could go to the theater. Negative - my youngest D was crying when I got home and H was asleep on the couch. Married me (a few months ago) would have b*tched him out for not waking up to get d. Now, I try (and it is HARD) to pretend in those instances that I'm a single mom and this guy is helping me out. I did not complain, but I did wake him up (with young d in arms - so he knew she had woken up) to tell him thank you and it was time for him to go to his apt. I figure telling him his wrongs will only push him further away right now. He is like a teenager right now - can't tell him his lessons... he must learn them on his own. But, I feel you pain!!! Take care.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
I just had am upsetting call with H. I called to find out if he'd when he'd be home tonight, so I could let my job know when I could come in. Then I told him we got an email offering us baseball tickets for Monday night.
Me: Hey, Joe has tickets for the ball game mon want to... H: (angry) No Me: ...go? H: I don't want to !$%#@ Go. Me: ok H: It's a waste of money. (it's something he usually loves) Me: It's only $30, but, I'll tell him no.
Then he calms down and asks me about an open house for S4's school today. Tells me he'll talk to me later.
I am getting it out here. Between you guys and this, I'm there. Here's what I'm going to do. Feel free to suggest or amend:
180's 1. NO R TALKS 2. NO ASKING FOR AFFECTION 3. NO ILY 4. LESS CONVERSATION - LET HIM START 5. DO MY OWN THING AND BE WITH THE KIDS - HE CAN JOIN IF HE WANTS 6. I WILL BE PLEASANT OR FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO.
Mini Goals 1. for him to start conversation about anything 2. Say goodnight 3. Say goodbye 4. Ask me to watch a tv show 5. Call me on lunch to say hi
Sound like I'm on the right track?
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
