In Limbo

[Jimbo]

Thanks Jimbo for my daily dose of reality. You can obviously see right through me. I guess I keep trying different tactics to elicit a different response or emotion. I get that it is the wrong approach and wrong thought process. I would imagine that is because I haven't detached, I am still looking for that one day for her to say I'm sorry, I want to try again. It is so hard just acting like nothing bothers me everyday.

No probs, D1. And the only reason I can see right through you, as you put it, is that I've been where you are now.

When folks first start out in all of this, they tend to scour the board for the "Magic Bullet": that one thing they can say or do to fix the problem. Eventually they discover that the Magic Bullet doesn't exist and that the only way out is through. A lot of folks stick with the work for a while. Some longer than others. It seems to me the ones that continue to "stand" are the ones that have taken the time to educate themselves on just what it is their spouses are going through. They read the MLC resources and archives. They read the threads of other LBSes. They reach out, glean the learnings, and then reach back and try to help the next guy or gal with what they've learned. And, perhaps most importantly of all, THEY WORK ON THEMSELVES.

You've made a good start. Detatchment takes time. It takes patience: with your W, your sitch and with yourself. There will be times that you blow it- maybe you lose your cool in front of your W, maybe you try to engage your W in a talk about your R. The important thing to remember about your mistakes is that they are learning experiences. They only become mistakes when you keep doing them over and over.

I almost feel like she has rewritten every year of our 15 year marriage. She did say during our R discussion, I don't love myself, don't think I ever have. I don't even know what love is. I only have enough love for the kids now. I haven't loved you for over 5 years. That was the reason I went on the antidepressants. At the time, I(and her friends who witnessed it)thought it was due to her horrible temper. She said I know I should have said something, you just picked a bad person for a wife.

When you can stand back and look at it without getting caught up in the emotional content, the rewrite is a truly fascinating phenomena (in the same morbid way that a train wreck is fascinating). And it's so very strange that they all do it, like they're following some sort of bizarre script! To see them come to a conclusion ("ILYBINILWYA"), and then take the past and reverse engineer it until it fits that conclusion is alarming, disconcerting, and disturbing....especially if you have no idea why they're doing it, or worse, buy into their rewrite.

You're not really buying into her rewrite, are you?

So yes, I can see the confusion you talked about in her words. A little over 4 months ago she was acting like we were a happily married couple, family. Then, it hits you like a wall. And it keeps hitting you over and over again.

I know exactly what you mean, D1. My W was a very touchy-feely sort of person- lots of hugs and kisses. I slowly watched as she transformed from giving me kisses and hugs, to just hugs, to hugging me and running off, to absolutely no contact. I could almost sense the internal struggle as she fought so hard with herself to hang on....but to no avail.

Regarding the timeline, that is another area where I am challenged. I guess when I am ready to pack it in, I will. Whether it's 6 months, a year, or longer. I am just at that stage right now where that piece of you is missing. That closness of her companionship, that friendship. I do get it from our sons but it isn't the same.

Being in the position you are in vocationally, I can see how you might be tempted to rely on some sort of a timeline. Read the MLC resources and archives. Do your homework on exactly what you are dealing with. This will help you to throw away the timeline.

I guess in closing, the hardest part is that about every two weeks I need a temperature check. By not talking to her about anything but superficial stuff, I just have to dump. As I said to fallgirl, Monday night was hard. I am grown man that had to go cry in his car because it is all just too much to take sometimes.

Just as your W can't even be there for herself right now, she certainly can't be there for you also. Come here to dump. That's part of why we're here.


You said "I am (a) grown man that had to go cry in his car because it is all just too much to take sometimes."

You say this like it is something to be ashamed of.

I, also, am a grown man that has to go somewhere to cry sometimes.

I seriously doubt you'll find ANY man on this board who does not cry "because it is all just too much to take sometimes."

And if you do, I will guarantee you that he's a liar.

I am not ashamed of my feelings for my W, nor of acknowledging those feelings. Neither should you be.


On a related note:

Maybe you have learned this lesson for yourself, and don't need to hear what I'm about to say. But in case you haven't....

We all grow up with different backgrounds- some differences are generational, some cultural.

Maybe you were taught that hiding or even denying your feelings made you strong.

I am not judging you- only speaking from experience when I say...

DO NOT BOTTLE UP YOUR EMOTIONS! I can not stress to you enough how important this is. YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST RELEASE THOSE FEELINGS. IF YOU DON'T RELEASE THEM, YOU WILL BOTTLE THEM UP UNTIL BURSTING POINT, AND THEN YOU WILL MOST LIKELY EXPLODE AT THE OBJECT OF YOUR EMOTIONS- NAMELY YOUR W!!!!

Don't let this happen. Allow yourself to process those feelings. It helps a great deal.

And, like I said before, come here to vent.

I am doing many of the things to make me happy. It is football season and there is nothing I like more than watching my sons play tackle football everynight. I have been going out more and having a good time. I told my W that I met someone(yes to try and make her jealous) and that I left before I did anything stupid. My W said she was happy I met someone. I said that is exactly what you would like me to do is cheat to make it easy on you. I will not be turned into a monster in this. I know that is the wrong approach as well.

I am working on it....I swear.

You found out for yourself that the jealousy angle doesn't work either, so I'll skip it.

(An observation: the guilt trip angle is just as disastrous.)

Thanks for your support Jimbo(from In Limbo...)

Glad I can be there for you D1 (who is not done! )