WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I actually gave away my copy of DR when I found out about her running around on me. I still remember the crushing feeling in my heart as I felt the love I had for her get eliminated as I read the disgusting emails. Since the day she dropped the bomb, I never understood how she could truly mean "I'm done"

That instance, in the midst of disgust, I felt the same emptiness in my heart that made me feel "I'm done." That's why I gave it away. I was so blind to the possibility of her cheating on me, that not only did I defend her honor in my threads when people raised the question, I skipped the entire section on infidelity thinking that was impossible.

Pretty stupid.

I'm holding off on the letter for now. You are right, as everyday, I recall something that creates waves of feelings in me that I know I would want to include. The ones I posted earlier are just the ones I felt from the nightmares I had last nite.

My therapist has said I need to protect the kids. I don't argue with her about that. She said that us doing family things together will just confuse and add to the hurt of the kids. They will see us together for that instance and when we part, it will be like having a wound reopened over and over again.

I know some will argue that this is her way of making her way back. Problem is right now I don't care if she does or not. Trust is an incredible part of any relationship. After all that she has done, how do I allow that again, particularly she has made no move to ask for it.

She did text me about a few tactical things about our 3 year old today. One of the text was a reminder how much his day care bill was and when it was do. So, I take it for what it is. She made some casual sharings about our 3 year old before asking for the money. That has been what she had been doing. Trying to act all sweet and nice before setting me up for something.

I will pay it as I do not want my boys to suffer anymore than they have to. The child support agreement isn't in place yet, but my lawyer said that the amount will at least be the day/child care payments for both boys and an additional $500 (at least) per month.

I have made a commitment to each of my boys the day that they were born that I will always love them and be there for them to take care of them. I will honor that commitment as I had my commitment to her. My commitment to my boys will never stop, the jury is still out on what I will do with my commitment to her. All I can say is that it's not looking good.....