Great. It's really a great book and will explain to you why he doesn't talk and what he needs from you and how you can communicate with him without opening your mouth.
I was wondering if you see you and your H in that book?
And you'll notice, I did anyways, that men just want to be in the house and doing their thing. They don't need to talk to you just need to know you are there and happy and that's their motivation.
I hope it gives you new hope and a new way of seeing thus doing things.
I just want to say I can relate to your situation very much. Although my husband has moved out, I find that the best is to avoid R talks unless he brings them up. Just being in the house doing my own thing, even when it's really hard sometimes gets him to come around. Just like you he hung around and watched a tv show with me on the couch and laughed for the first time in a long time.
I also find - and this may or may not work in your sitch - that if he does bring up the R talks (I'm letting him do it b/c I don't want to plead, convince, etc which goes nowhere) I listen and don't talk. Very hard for me, a talker. But I have noticed him thawing when I try really hard to hear his point of view and let him know he is important to me, his feelings are important to me, and his life is important to me. This has been really critical for us, because he will just clam up if I am "pusuing" with all my wants and desires and needs.
It's really hard to put all your needs and desires on hold and keep them quiet, but I just try to be there from my heart for him wherever he is at. He's come around a bit from this. All the R talking was chasing him away. Even though it seems backwards, if it helps make them more comfortable around us, that is a good sign! Good luck!
also - forgive yourself if you slide into old patterns of trying to talk and open him up. It takes a lot of persistence and patience to change old patterns - patience with yourself! You are in a lot of pain and the changes will start to take hold the more you do them. At first they feel so artificial, or you may resent doing them. But eventually, they begin to feel more natural. And once you see a positive effect on the R, it is encouragement to stay on track.
I spend every night on this board and with the book to give myself encouragement, and I try hard to forgive myself when I slip into pressuring him, pursuing him, etc. Be easy on yourself.
Stronger - do you mean the first couple Marlene and Mark? I do see it.
We had an ok evening. No R talks at all. He got home on time and was very tired. We chatted a little about work and D7's first day of school. After dinner his sister called me. (Ironically she's going through the same thing her H, except they are talking of splitting. H has avoided all conversation about it since he did the same, especially since he thought BIL was horrible for doing that to his family.) When I got off the phone, the kids were playing Wii and he was watching baseball in the bedroom. I sat with him and kind of watched the game, read my book and stroked his hair and neck - something he's always enjoyed. He didn't pull away or aknowledge it but fell asleep. After a while he moved away. When we went to bed for the night, shortly thereafter, he just rolled over. I said goodnight and so did he. Then I gave him a playful poke and said where's my kiss? He rolled over and gave one one and didn't seem to have any attitude.
This morning freaked me out though. He leaves for work at 4, but always, always kisses me and the kids goodbye. He kissed S4, who was in bed with us and walked around the bed (my side is by the door) and hesitated and (I think) started to leave the bedroom. I asked aren't you going to kiss me goodbye? I don't know if I should have, but we had had 2 good nights, WTH? He did come kiss me and then I got up for a drink and aspirin. We met in the kitchen and I asked him "Were you really not going to kiss me goodbye?" He said he was going to. I said ok, sorry. I gave him a hug, which he only half returned and a we kissed goodbye again.
What the heck was that about? This kind of thing sends my mind going around and around. Every hurtful thing that he said comes back. "He isn't sure if he loves me, what he wants, cares about the kids but maybe not me, doesn't like talking to me, doesn't care if I forgive him, maybe he doesn't want to get over feeling bad about touching me." It just goes around and around.
I know it is not productive. I know I have only succeeded in avoiding R talks for 2 days and I shouldn't expect anything yet. I guess accepting affection from me is good even if it's not returned. I just don't get the step back from the kiss goodbye? And, yes, totally sure he wasn't going to.
Oh, I did not say ILY yesterday or this morning.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
Part of me wants to tell him I'm sorry for the role I played in making things worse and that I handled my end badly. I want to tell him that I didn't mean a lot of the terrible things I said. That I love him and miss him.
Bad idea? Probably.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
Part of me wants to tell him I'm sorry for the role I played in making things worse and that I handled my end badly. I want to tell him that I didn't mean a lot of the terrible things I said. That I love him and miss him. Bad idea?
Yeah, cant, I'd say it's definitely a bad idea. Tell us these things if you want but don't tell him. In fact.. I'd propose you refrain from saying anything until you CAN breathe . And you've got to, for you and for your kiddos.
H 51/W 43 Together 24yrs/Married 19yrs 2 kids- D18 & S16 "I want out" July 2008 "I want out" Dec 2008 "I want you out" Aug 2009 Still in house thru it all
You are pursueing, you seem desperate, please stop it, let him come to you, give him that space. Play hard to get for a while. I know it is hard, but you might want to have a night out on your own. Be mysterious>
. And you've got to, for you and for your kiddos.