You simply stop hoping, expecting, or needing the elephant to move. You drop the rope AND don't even think of whispering. It'll be really cool if you had an elephant walking beside you in the grass sometime (especially if there are lions around), but if it doesn't happen, it's ok. You'll be fine and can enjoy what is around you all the same. (except if there ARE lions :))
Or maybe I'm being too negative?
Yes. The point is that if one method is not working, try a different method to get to your goal.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Detaching and dropping the rope are two different things to me. Dropping the rope is me not trying to change someone else's mind. Detaching is letting go of the outcome.
I used the Stockdale paradox to help detach (it's in my sig line) SP used Lt Spiers from "Band of Brothers". I'm paraphasing - "You can't be a good soldier until you realise you are already dead." Thinker -"what's she gonna do divorce me?"
MsMel has spread this around and it is helpful:
Quote:
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Good because I am with my boys, we are having a good day. Only 2 more days left before back to work. Texted back and forth with w before because I have to pick her up from work later since I have her truck. I am going out this evening to hang out with the guys from my Deacon formation class that I had to leave. That will be fun.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You sound very positive and in good spirits in your last post. How wonderful! I hope you are having a great time with your children and things are going better for you.
We still live together, in fact we still share a bed. Most weekends we do things as a family. During those times I can almost talk to her like a normal person. On other days, she barely says 2 words to me. At least she used to say good night before turning in before me. Not anymore. I have stopped trying to get her to talk after taking advice from this forum. Now, on occasion, she will say something to me about the news, or something. Usually she talks to me only to tell me I am doing sething wrong. It's like she is looking for me to do things wrong. I have tried polite conversation and compliments to no avail. Recently I broke a carnal DB rule and told her I missed her one of the days I was out with my sons. No response. Her birthdAy was last week and I bought her a new car stereo for her truck. She hated the stock one, and wanted one she could plug her iPod into. So I gave it to her and set up a date for it to be installed. Turns out her speakers are blown out, and with the new stereo, you can really hear it. So of course it's my fault that she can't listen to her radio in her car anymore. But here is where I think I am beginning to detach. I told her that It was a shame that the speakers are dead, and that I knew she could pick up a new set pretty inexpensively. My old reaction would have been to go get her truck and bring it to my body shop guy and have him put in new speakers. But I didn't. Small steps, right? For the first time since she agreed to go, she brought up Retrouvaille today. It was just to set up babysitting, but at least I know she is still going. She did bring it up after the speaker conversation, I don't know if there is a connection there. Also, I saw my spiritual director last night and I feel like I am getting back on the right path to trusting God and re-establishing my relationship with Him.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich, I don't usually make it a habit to copy something I've written to another poster, but since you are having the same detachment problem one of the other men here on the board is having.....I hope you will forgive me for being lazy this time and allow me to copy what I sent to him about an example of detaching.
Quote:
Have you seen movies where a man would be walking briskly through a huge office area and speaking to everyone he'd pass? He has a very upbeat attitude with a big smile on his face. Have you noticed that he does not seem to slow down or look back to see if any of those people in the office even spoke back to him? That is how you must be with your W. If you hesitate to speak first or if you watch her to see if she is going to respond to you.....then you are letting her control the situation. Be like that man walking through the office and you be the one in control of your own mood, don't let her set it for you. This man does what he does b/c he is a great guy and everyone in that office sees him as being friendly and upbeat. If there is anyone there who is sulking or in a bad mood, he doesn't slow down long enough to notice. Get the point? M people tend to let their S dictate their moods.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
