In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks Jimbo for my daily dose of reality. You can obviously see right through me. I guess I keep trying different tactics to elicit a different response or emotion. I get that it is the wrong approach and wrong thought process. I would imagine that is because I haven't detached, I am still looking for that one day for her to say I'm sorry, I want to try again. It is so hard just acting like nothing bothers me everyday.

I almost feel like she has rewritten every year of our 15 year marriage. She did say during our R discussion, I don't love myself, don't think I ever have. I don't even know what love is. I only have enough love for the kids now. I haven't loved you for over 5 years. That was the reason I went on the antidepressants. At the time, I(and her friends who witnessed it)thought it was due to her horrible temper. She said I know I should have said something, you just picked a bad person for a wife.

So yes, I can see the confusion you talked about in her words. A little over 4 months ago she was acting like we were a happily married couple, family. Then, it hits you like a wall. And it keeps hitting you over and over again.

Regarding the timeline, that is another area where I am challenged. I guess when I am ready to pack it in, I will. Whether it's 6 months, a year, or longer. I am just at that stage right now where that piece of you is missing. That closness of her companionship, that friendship. I do get it from our sons but it isn't the same.

I guess in closing, the hardest part is that about every two weeks I need a temperature check. By not talking to her about anything but superficial stuff, I just have to dump. As I said to fallgirl, Monday night was hard. I am grown man that had to go cry in his car because it is all just too much to take sometimes.

I am doing many of the things to make me happy. It is football season and there is nothing I like more than watching my sons play tackle football everynight. I have been going out more and having a good time. I told my W that I met someone(yes to try and make her jealous) and that I left before I did anything stupid. My W said she was happy I met someone. I said that is exactly what you would like me to do is cheat to make it easy on you. I will not be turned into a monster in this. I know that is the wrong approach as well.

I am working on it....I swear.

Thanks for your support Jimbo(from In Limbo...)