A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

So here's the scoop and what tanked my musical mojo last night.

H had scheduled a 5 am computer assignation with OW. Remember back last Saturday when H got up at 6 am, with me and kidlet waking up shortly thereafter? I'm thinking the Saturday session left something to be desired and they must have rescheduled for 5 am this morning. She's in a diff time zone, so this would be 7 or 8 her time.

Knowing that he had to be up at 5 would explain the sudden onset of 'fatigue' at about 9:30 last night. I was asleep on the couch when H walked by - which woke me up. This would also explain the alacrity behind the speed of his new computer set-up. He was on a short deadline. I can see into the office through the LR window, so while I couldn't read what was being said, I do know that he had his Gmail and a chat window up.

In keeping with putting pressure on this R w/o a direct confrontation, I stumbled bleary eyed to the bathroom then asked if I could finish sleeping in his bed. He said yes. No excuses about waking up early and not being able to sleep. He also closed windows and looked guilty even tho I was not standing in a position to see his screen.

Re: guilt - yes, he is feeling (and acting) guilty. That's fine. He needs to feel guilty. And I would guess that she is feeling sidelined - which also needs to happen. Hopefully, I upset his equilibrium enough that she could detect something was off. This is good because:

She will be the one to get needy.

She will be the one to get clingy.

She will become ever more strident in her demands for attention.

SHE will then become "unreasonable and demanding" while I'm standing there happy, sassy, DBing, GALing and singing in the shower.

And HE will hate all of that from her.

Fast forward to the rest of the morning. H was grumpy. Apparently the session with his honey did not go well. (Too bad. So sad. NOT!) All of us started our morning routines late. Kidlet mentioned the packet of forms he'd brought home on Monday and H immediately turned on me and blamed ME for not bringing those to his attention. He proceeded to fill them out (they were optional; I looked) while muttering things like "J*sus Christ!" under his breath.

I breezily mentioned that kidlet had told both of us that WE had homework Monday evening. H snapped at me that he never heard that and I should have reminded him. I ignored this.

Meanwhile, I was making a shopping list - already planned, not gonna change my morning because H has his jerk on. I asked H to name one luxury item, something he usually couldn't afford, for my list. He couldn't think of one, but kidlet chimed in quickly with "Pop Tarts!" I confirmed a few other things we needed, hugged kidlet and told him to have a great day at school. Then I went to the store, leaving H to clean up his own mess - the one he created by spending too much of the morning on the computer, thus making himself and kidlet run late.

As I was driving down our street, I saw H walking back from the school. He waved happily at me, then began to prance and caper in front of my oncoming vehicle. (DUDE! Seriously. Do NOT Tempt Me!) I pulled to the side, rolled down my window and reached out toward him all friendly-like.

"Hey, there. Look - I'll try to be more communicative about the school stuff, ok? But..."

He interrupted me with an apology.

"But I was nasty to you. That wasn't right and I'm sorry. It wasn't just about you. You were getting fallout from a bunch of other frustrations and that wasn't fair to you. I should have asked (about the school stuff)."

Dia: "Thank you. We all forget stuff sometimes; it's ok. We'll get the communication piece ironed out. Now have you thought of a luxury item yet?"

H: No...

Dia: I'll surprise you. Have a good day. <Dia drives off>

"Other frustrations." I have a feeling these 'other frustrations' will be working in my favor. <innocent whistle>

Here's the thing - H has been remarking on how happy I seem lately. And I am dead certain he caught the vibe last night. I am also dead certain it wasn't lost on him that he by-passed the yumminess I was offering to go to bed so he could wake up at 5 am and then had to deal with 'frustrations' from OW. And yeah, he'll be doing a cost-benefit analysis on that one.

And just to put the icing on the cake, I sang in the shower this morning. Not terribly unusual for me, but the tune today was one of the Enya songs from the mojo music last night. So he's a frustrated, grumpy mess and 4 feet away, I'm singing love songs alone in the shower.

Personal revelations:

1) I didn't allow his piss-poor mood or his piss-poor displacement to disrupt my plans or my mood.

2) Unlike previous times, I did not feel even a whiff of that shame-based urge to run. Instead, I felt a rip-roaring urge to FIGHT. Different; yes. Good? I think so.

And, final note from Dia this morning. Gents and ladies, ladies and gents. If you've been doing the extra-marital mambo with someone else's dance partner, do not, I repeat - DO NOT - dance and caper in front of your spouse's oncoming vehicle. Your insurance company will thank you for it.