W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[Kettricken]

Also. RE: what everyone else is saying about security, etc. None of it resonates with me, but there seems to be a groundswell of support for that POV, so maybe there's something in it and I'm just a freak.

Be that as it may ... for the sake of holding a balanced view of your culpability in all this ... and this is general, not just as it applies to Tristan:

If you ASK someone if they need help and they say NO .... that is ON THEM. Take all the subtexts and "You should have knowns" out of the equation unless they were literally ON FIRE and you asked if they needed water. Some people really would rather manage for themselves; some can't swallow their pride enough to ask for help; either way, you shouldn't feel compelled to guess correctly. I strongly believe that no one has any business bailing on their marriage either in fact or in spirit until that one has articulated their dissatisfactions, disappointments, and core needs and desires repeatedly, in words of one syllable. Neither you nor your wife was put on this earth to read the others' mind. Maybe you were an ignorant, selfish, jealous putz and didn't meet her standards as a partner, husband, or father ..... but if you weren't getting feedback to that effect from her that you could clearly understand, the current state of your marriage is a *joint* responsiblity. Not hints, not this kind of passive-aggressive "no, no, I'm okay ...." which you were apparently supposed to translate as "I'm NOT ok and you should KNOW THAT" to save her from having to stand up for her preferences. I don't care how much rationalizing anyone wants to trot out about how society makes women feel like they can't/shouldn't speak up regarding their own needs/health. If a woman feels compelled to martyr herself to her family, fine, but it is fighting exceedingly dirty to try to turn that back on her partner. IMHO.

So own your own failings, absolutely, gain awareness of her needs, by all means ..... but it's not healthy for anyone if you try to take on *all* the responsibility for the broken state of your relationship or castigate yourself for missing 'clues'.