Deep: I don't mean to hijack, but I have a few questions for you. My W and I are going to Retrovaille Oct 16 as a last resort. Any suggestions? What was it like? What's the success rate of such a program? My W is like your W used to be...still cared for me but did not have "feelings" for me. Right now my W is barely talking to me.
hhh: I'm not sure if you got my message on my post, but the book was entitled "GOD CALLING".
Thanks, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Hi LFH, I'm new to this forum too, and I've shared my retro exeprience in my thread and quite a few others, including this one and Serenity's. Sorry if I'm repeating / missing out some things.
It definitely gave my M a chance. Don't go in with inflated expectations, just treat it as a possible chance to improve communications with your W, which could bring about healing, and from there improve your odds of making your M work. It's not a magic bullet against D, but you should go in with trust and hope.
My W was so wrapped up in OM and how we had lost "us", I can't describe my despair then. A variation of the WAS script was often mentioned, how Ms turn out to be this stale situation and how she wanted more, and found it (without looking mind you) in OM. On hindsight, she attended for probably not the best reasons. Sure, she said she wanted the M to be better. But the constant fights were killing us, and she wanted us to be at least able to be somewhat "normal" even if we stayed together for the kids. She insisted I gave her the option of leaving any time she wanted, and she wanted out all through the drive there, through registration, through the kick-off.
Highlights for us were 1) She "felt" me again in our kiss 2nd night, 2) she felt closer and more connected than the last few years (could be WAS script), 3) she thanked me for forcing her to go from the 3rd day all the way home. She broke down and said "I'm so sorry" to me while unpacking that I could even halfway believe was sincere for the first time since I busted her.
It was STILL very much a hellish roller coaster after that for a long time, but it gave us a start down the path of healing I'm not sure we'd otherwise would have. C did not work for us prior to that. Success rate? I'm not sure - I'm told my area had an 80% rate and over 40 babies born to reconciled couples.
I guess I'll be adding 1 more to that number by Jan 2010.
we're still working on things but I'm in a place I gave almost no hope for. My W's rejection of me was almost total. Hope, pray, and go in BELIEVING. Best of luck!
(sorry for the hijack hhh)
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Deep/LFH all, No apologies needed at all for the hijack - I really appreciate hearing more about your Retro experience, as it was something I hoped my H would be open to as well. (So far he's a WAS and we have little contact, so I'm not too hopefuly right now). Thanks also for the book suggestions I will look into.
I went to visit family for a couple days to be around people, GAL and just get my mind off stuff. It helped. My cousin's husband (and my fam at large) is pretty disgusted w H right now (and his FB pictures looking drunk, and hanging w other women), and think I should not wait around for him. They say I need someone - when I am ready - that really appreciates for me, and cousin's H even wants to set me up w one of his friends. I guess it can't hurt to see what's out there, as H seems to have been doing this quite a bit across past several months.
That's another thing, why would H be telling me about going on dates w other women? I think he's beyond trying to make me jealous, perhaps it's just his way of pushing me away more and making me want to step up the plate and get the ball rolling (in terms of D)..but it's not something that I want (the D) and certaintly don't feel I should initiate the process.
Stronger, you had mentioned ML was one of the things that helped you during this time. Issue for me is that H and I had always been very lacking in that area, and in last yr of being together, hardly ever ML. Our sex life was fine and very frequent when we were first dating and moved in together, then once we got engaged it really petered out. I know that's a huge problem, and something I would have nurtured much more back then if I knew we were here now. Truth is I never really felt ready to get engaged at the time (not so much H, but more that my dad had just died, I'd just moved and switched jobs, and felt very unsettled at that time and was only 25...I felt like I needed a bit more time)...anyways, I think that had a lot to do - the early doubts - with hurting our sex life, and then neither of us made it a huge priority. I know we can be very compatible in that area, it just became less and less frequent and we did not address it, as we should have, at the time. Another reason in his mind I'm sure to look for opportunities/relationships/greener grass elsewhere, if he doesn't have fond memories of ML w me. I know he also felt inadequate in that area w me in last couple of years, b/c it just wasn't as good for me, and he knew it.
Stonger Pearl and others have made comments about needing to show him i've changed (well, doing so more for me, i know)... interesting when I told him once that i have been doing so much to work on my stress/anxiety/patience/'letting go' of things he did in past/teamwork, etc (and other little issues he had w me, that should be worked on regardless), he once said "well what am I supposed to do, have blind faith in you?" What does one say to that? I told him at the time I understand your hesitations (just agreeing) and offered that we spend some time together so he could see, give it a chance, etc. That was a couple months ago...i know he may have concerns around 'have i changed' but at this time I think he gets it and sees it to some extent, but it may not matter if he's in a different place. He is being totally selfish right now, only thinking about himself, and very caught up in this world of attention and his new found fame (from his modeling gig and big powered job to come)...and being in student/spring break mode for past several months.
I was feeling much better past couple days w my family and friends and distractions, doing a little shopping and taking care of my appearance, and then got all teary again last night. I am trying to ride out these ups and downs. He's just been SO hurtful these past few months, the way he's handled things is just so dispicable, and how he's thrown stuff in my face (classic WAS script). I'm a good person and I deserve someone that appreciates me. thinking about how nasty he's been lately makes it easier in some ways to let go, but I also have many wonderful memories. I miss the person H used to be, but he's been a very different person indeed these past 6-8 months.
It will do you no good to tell him about changes you're making, in fact it may hurt you. Go back and reread DR. Actions, not words. Don't worry about showing him any changes. If/when he's ready he will take notice. Until you understand that this process is about you and attracting your H back is just a possible bonus you will be riding the emotional roller coaster and floudering.
Originally Posted By: hhh
I'm a good person and I deserve someone that appreciates me.
Absolutely correct.
Originally Posted By: hhh
thinking about how nasty he's been lately makes it easier in some ways to let go, but I also have many wonderful memories. I miss the person H used to be, but he's been a very different person indeed these past 6-8 months.
Reality check: your H is gone. Not only are you physically separated but he is no longer the person you fell in love with and married. Why do you want to waste your life pining over someone who has been treating you like crap?
I'm not saying you can't reconnect and eventually have a great M with your H, but do you feel you can or want to be with the person he is now? Look at it this way: if you just met him now would you want to be with him?
Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to deal with the reality of your situation. I know how you feel, I post to you because I feel the similarities. I went through all the emotions and angst. But as soon as I realized I would not choose to be with the person BF was at that time and I would be happier doing my own thing I regained control of my life. And it felt good, REALLY good.
Look up gucci loafer's posts and read the advice he gives. Stronger and I don't agree on everything but we do both think you would benefit from following it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm riding the "ups and downs" with you. Just the other day, my W said I haven't changed a bit...same 'ol LFH. I completely disagree with her, but she's entitled to her opinion. I've lost 40 pounds (for me) and have become a happier person. Work no longer influences my day-to-day disposition like it did 5 months ago. And I've gone from being a good father to an awesome father. I still need to work on the "being critical" part of my personality, but I can't change everything at once...or I'll have no success at all. Sometimes I think our "walk-aways" have become too sensitive to our faults. You can do things correctly 99% of the time, but our spouses will crucify us for the other 1%...IMO.
I'm not sure if you need to show your WAS that you've changed. Just go about your daily routine and make yourself happy. I think our "walk-aways" will notice our changes once we've dropped the rope and have moved on. Remember, our changes are for us...not for them. Just focus on improving yourself one day at time. If you have one foot on today and one foot on tomorrow...you'll fall on your arss.
Hugs, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Pearl is right. We don't always agree. But this time, I agree with every word. Esp. Gucci is the man for you right now…in terms of how to handle your H and all the crap being thrown at you.
Thanks guys for responding. It's funny in terms of the thoughts that come into my head. When I think about "nasty H" right now - and really his hurtful actions, I don't feel so sad (it pushes me away from him a bit, good right now i think). But when I think of the good/old him, I get sad. I've tried 'thought-stopping' and when I have positive memory reminding me of current bad H. Anyone do this? I guess I am afraid in some ways of letting go...trying to think only about "mean H" right now that it may shift my feelings for him permanently (and there is part of me that is scared of that if he ever wanted to reconcile).
Pearl - I assume it took awhile for you to trust BF again after he'd been acting like a jerk and w the OW and all. When you guys were separated, did you just try to think of the bad/mean side of him to constantly encourage yourself that you deserved better? Or did you just try to not think of him at all? How did you come to trust him again after what he did? Did you actually date others? Is it strange that I'm afraid if I date others I might develop feelings for someone else, and feel less committed to H? I know this is so silly given that it's what he's doing, but part of me is afraid of that..
Just wanted to see how you handled your own mindset at the time - good memories vs bad memories focus, in terms of your own health and moving on (yet keeping DB goals in mind if there were ever to be reconciliation).
Thanks friends, hope you are having a nice day. I'm off to get my hair colored for a new look in a bit! -hhh
Gucci - you talk about how you and your wife were when you initially met that helped the attraction...but what did you/she do differently after things went south? I don't know much about your sitch. Can you share? Might help me better understand...as many folks are encouraging me to 'go gucci'
Hi, So I get a text from H last night simply saying "how are you and your mom doing?" (she had heart surgery last month, doing well now). Do I respond w a simple "great" Do I say "recovering slowly, getting better, i'm doing well..." I know less is more. But here's the thing - I almost think he wants to know we are doing well, and that I am in an emotionally better place, so he can continue w the Bomb. Who knows? I know I should NOT mind-read. I know men like to see strong/happy women, but somehow I think H wants to see me strong/happy so he knows I won't fall apart if he continues to push for D.
Other than that I am doing OK on own, making plans w friends, praying and trying to stay positive.
