My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

Thanks Stronger and A&K,

I agree with both of you. After I thought about it a minute I took GL's comments more as pointing out the glass have full in the other situation, not really suggesting using the kids as pawns.

[RedSoxFan]

She usually turns you down but you have concluded that she is happy with the increased contact, how do you figure?

Just trying to understand.

I think she really appreciates the help with kids and life. She is overwhelmed. I'm just trying to be there for her as a friend. She has been there for me many times in the past. I want to be there for her and have her understand that there are no strings attached. Sure, I hope that someday she trusts me again and we reconnect but that has to be a later step I think.

She could be totally using me right now but thats a chance I'm comfortable taking and besides I put her through living heck over the last year so I couldn't really feel too slighted about it.

[RedSoxFan]

H sent me an email saying that I looked hot in my profile pic...made me cringe. Gave me a slight ego boost but really felt kind of pervy under the circumstances. I would stick to in person compliments if any and be sincere and specific. But you don't really need this right now. IMO.

You could be right Between us, pretty is a very caring deep version of you look hot. But what I meant and how she interprets aren't necessarily the same. Makes me very sad that I can't say those words and have her feel and believe what I mean.

[RedSoxFan]

Some times on some days this hurts so much I just want to give up and walk away to make the hurt stop. Then I think of what I did to her. Then as I'm typing this I think I'm just being whiny and selfish. Hard to know which way is up. I would think I'd be stronger by now.

[Kalni]

RSF,
I am sorry. I cant relate to you now, but I do understand because for more than a year I thought/was made to believe I was a terrible person that drove my loving, wonderful husband away... It was hell.
Nothing is over. If you love her, stay strong and work with patience and consistency.
K

[Stronger]

RSF..the emotions that go with this whole situation…they just plain old SUCK. There’s not much anyone can say to make you feel better or make it go away. Just keep your head down, keep applying everything you learn here to your everyday life and know that we are with you and feel for you and hell, even share your pain.

[RedSoxFan]

OK everyone. I need some advice.

I had a 2 hr conversation with W this morning. Today was the first day of school for kids. I was over at their place last night for a few hours. On my way home W called and said one of the kids had asked if I could be there in the morning for the trip to the bus. W could have blown this off but she wanted me to be there so she invited and I was obviously happy to be there

After we got all of the kids on the bus we were working together in the kitchen to clean up the breakfast dishes, table, etc. We were both working and talking. We ended up finishing the work then sitting down for an across the table conversation. I think what I'll do is share some of the things she shared during our conversation and then hope for some guidance on next steps. so here goes in no particular order...

I guess the biggest thing that came out of the conversation today is that she is very unhappy right now. She was kind of chugging along with a light and casual new relationship until I came back to her after being away for 10 months to try to save our marriage. This is nothing new and we've been discussing it in the 15 pages of this thread.

She did clarify some things though. She feels pulled in multiple directions. She is very unhappy and sad about the fact that no matter what she does (OM or me) she will be disappointing someone, letting someone down and hurting someone. She said she feels like she cant see OM because of me and that he's putting tons of pressure on her. I asked her several times to think about putting herself first, what she wants and needs. I talked to her about the long-term pattern I see where she puts everyone else first, doesn't get her own needs met, hits rock bottom, gets resentful, and ultimately doesn't end up accomplishing what she intended in the first place. She said in the back of her mind she's already trying to figure out an exit strategy for OM. She didn't say because she wanted to, it seemed more like she felt pressured into it.

She also said something like, she wished more than anything that we could get back together. This was more clear and emphasized than anything she has said to me before. She said she just doesn't feel capable. She also said that she never wants anything legal again (marriage, etc.) but then she back pedaled a little and said that she doesn't really deep down think that's how she really feels.

I made a mistake at one point in the conversation. I was feeling bad for her as she described pressure OM is putting on her. I said that she needs to focus on whats right for her and if OM doesn't get that too bad. He's a grown man and if he cared he would get it. I was OK until that point then my mouth kept going and I said that she wasn't at a place in her life right now for that serious a relationship with OM. She did not like my thinking that I knew what was right for her and I don't blame her....sheeesh...sometimes my mouth is not connected to my brain.

We talked several times about my feeling for her, etc. She stressed over and over that she believes 100% that I love her and care about her. She also repeatedly stressed that she doesn't think that I have a hidden agenda or that I'm trying to manipulate her.

She mentioned that the kids have not even noticed that OM has been out of the picture for the last week or two and that they were fine without him around. Perhaps alluding to the fact that he wasn't playing any important role in their lives. She seems to feel guilty and is trying to feel better about moving too fast with OM and kids. I told her that I don't look down on her at all. That she's only human and she's doing the best she can. I told her that I know of noone who loves their children more than she and in my eyes she's my hero for her dedication and devotion to them

She talked about not wanting my help and wanting to get on her own two feel by herself. At the same time we talked about how much she appreciated all I have been doing to help her out financially and otherwise.

I've been trying to get her to take some time away to clear her head and de-stress a little. She continues to push back on that. She says she feels guilty being away from the kids. There's obviously more to it but I'm not sure what.

I need some help on next steps. There is one thing that seems important near-term. She has the kids this upcoming weekend. There is a big memorial camping trip that he is expecting her to go on. I know she's worried about how to handle it. She feels like her options are lose-lose. Make up an excuse and lie. Go and hurt me. Tell him she can't go because it will hurt me and consequently hurt him.

What should I do in general and what should I do about this upcoming weekend?

[aliveandkicking]

Back off.

And be ready to LISTEN if she wants to talk.

[Kalni]

Hmmm, so, there is your chance to start with her as you would with a new woman. Sounds weird? Well, everything of the past is gone. Including her assumption that she needed you. What's left? The fact that she sounds to me, like she would give it a try IF you are now the man she needs now. You both evolved. Will you be good together? Dont know...

If she indeed tries again, it will be with no declaration of reconciling. You have to woo her, seduce her, make her fall in love with you. Can you handle it?
K

PS No time for you to be "mush". Be the best MAN you can be. Be sensitive to her emotions but strong and attractive.

And if you get to a point that she opens up and you hurt her again, God you are in trouble!!!

[RedSoxFan]

Hmmm, so, there is your chance to start with her as you would with a new woman. Sounds weird? Well, everything of the past is gone. Including her assumption that she needed you. What's left? The fact that she sounds to me, like she would give it a try IF you are now the man she needs now. You both evolved. Will you be good together? Dont know...

If she indeed tries again, it will be with no declaration of reconciling. You have to woo her, seduce her, make her fall in love with you. Can you handle it?

I can handle it! How do I know she's ready? At least part of the message she's sending is that she wants everyone to leave her alone. OM and me. I don't believe he will. I want to win her heart back before he takes it but I can't go over the top or I'll scare her away for good. Is that right?