The answer to the $64,000 question. Or should we adjust the prize money to be more reflective of inflation for the past 40 years? Perhaps should be a million dollar question.
Seems as if our respective spouses love us in their own distant way. We need more from them, physically, emotionally and they cannot understand that. Frustrating to all of us, but most palpable to us, since we are the emotional partner in the relationship. Found this this morning that explained lots to me. Insight from someone else in our shoes:
" I've been lurking on this forum for a long time, but reading your thread has brought me out of hiding. I, too, am a HD wife with a LD husband. My sitch was quite similar to yours in several respects - our sexual frequency was never where I wanted it to be, my H struggled silently with depression for years which decreased his desire, and the lack of sexual intimacy really did a number on my self-esteem.
I use the past tense because our situation just became more and more tense, until I finally moved out in Sept 2002. We are still married and we have been in marriage counseling since I moved out, but sadly we have made no progress on "the sex thing" during the past 14 (!) months.
Some things I've learned...
I feel better having more distance from my H. Since he doesn't seem to desire me, I would rather not live with him. It was just too painful to be with someone I love so dearly and feel so rejected all the time. I'm not advocating that you move out - I do believe that moving out is an absolute and desperate last resort and that all other avenues should be explored first.
Joint marriage counseling has helped us. Counseling has provided us with scheduled time to talk about our relationship with a neutral third party. The conversations H and I would have about sex (before I moved out) were too charged with emotion to be constructive. Counseling provides a "safe" place for us to talk about difficult subjects - and I found that it is a great reality check since my tendency is to blame myself for my H's lack of desire. Hearing someone else say "it's not about you" has helped me deal with the pain I felt throughout our SSM. If you can at all get your H into counseling, do so. I had to move out before my H would agree to see a counselor with me.
Try not to take this personally. Oh how I wish I could really wrap my brain around this point! I know it's really hard. I've found that being with people who love me (friends, family), pampering myself and doing things that I enjoy have helped me slowly build my self-esteem. To be frank, I still struggle with low PMA days and bad self-esteem, but it's much better now than it was a year ago.
I guess I wrote this post simply to tell you that I hear and understand where you are coming from. The despair that a HD wife feels in a SSM is absolutely crushing. If you need an empathetic ear, I'm listening.
Flicker"
I think Flicker summarized where I am right now. It's not just the sex but the entire lack of intimacy and emotional involement that has really thrown me. Rejection and pain are not good bedfellows. It hurts a bit less if I am not around, but I have been gone for a short time. We desire a complete, fulfilling marriage and our spouses just can't open up to that.
It's hard to be kind and supportive to them when they are not to us, but we keep trying. I really do not want a divorce, but the pain of rejection from my H is too sharp.
Friends are great sounding boards but they can only help and listen so much. AS far as happier being alone, I'm struggling with that, too. I think that it is too soon for either of us to make a good decision in that regard. Do not make life changing decisions in chaos. We need to let things calm down some before we make up our minds.
