WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[davidswife]

I know it may sound horrible but I have stopped not just praying for wife to return home as well as stopped praying for my wife period.

With my ex, at the point where his actions were so hurtful to myself and my children, I said something about praying for him, and my pastor said: "Until you're ready to pray for him again, I'll find someone else to pray specifically for him and his well being." And she did, and it helped me not feel so bad.

I know how much you're hurting, all I can promise you, is it well end. You will start to feel better, but it takes time.

Stacy

[antlers]

I know it may sound horrible but I have stopped not just praying for wife to return home as well as stopped praying for my wife period. Perhaps I've slipped into a darker part of me than I should and really need to think about that.

I know I need to move full steam ahead with my life for me and my boys. If she is not part of it, that is her loss. I do not need people in my life who do not respect and care for me. I talked to one of my close friends just before lunch and he reminded me that as long as I live my life with honor, there is no such thing as failure.

It is dissapointing what has transpired over the last 12-18 months, but I can not focus on the mistakes and the loss. I still have plenty to be proud of that I can hold my head up high.

So I'm slowly digging myself out of this funk. I've done it before and will do it again.

CIPA...you da' man!

We empathize with why you feel the way you do...nobody thinks it's horrible. It's horrible and despicable for her to have done what she has. I would encourage you to continue to pray for her, as hard as it is right now...and really mean it...you will be stronger and better for it. Ask God for wisdom and discernment, for both of you...and ask Him to let The Holy Spirit move within you both.

Your friend told you the absolute truth!

Focus on your boys and your job right now CIPA. Let some time pass. You're right...you need people in your life who respect you and who care for you. Your a great dad...and you're gonna get even better!

Yep...you've done it before and you'll do it again this time. It'll come slowly, so be patient with life and with yourself.

[confusedinpa]

I know it may sound horrible but I have stopped not just praying for wife to return home as well as stopped praying for my wife period.

With my ex, at the point where his actions were so hurtful to myself and my children, I said something about praying for him, and my pastor said: "Until you're ready to pray for him again, I'll find someone else to pray specifically for him and his well being." And she did, and it helped me not feel so bad.

I know how much you're hurting, all I can promise you, is it well end. You will start to feel better, but it takes time.

Stacy

Stacy,

That is a great idea. I think I will do that so I can be at a better peace at not praying for her. There has been a support group at church I had talked to a while back. Maybe I'll ask them.

Thanks for the suggestion!

[confusedinpa]

So the roller coaster goes.

She (I can't call her my wife anymore) called me up and asked said my 3 year old wanted to talk to me. She put him on and he asked if the 4 of us could go miniature golfing sometime.

My initial reaction was that she was trying to make me the bad guy of saying no. I didn't want to take the bait, as much as I would have loved to say no, but I told him that I would if that's what he wanted. He started chanting "I want to, I want to, I want to" over and over again. I said ok then.

He let out a "Yeah!" and heard him saying "Daddy said yes".

She got on the phone and said "Hello". I just said "Goodbye" and hung up.

This is craziness. I know some may say this is her way of reaching out but I don't buy it. I don't want to see her let alone spend time with her playing golf when I could be enjoying myself with my boys. I believe that he asked her (like he has many times in the past) and rather than saying no, she tries to make me the bad guy (like usual).

This is pure and utter crap. I really thought I would get through the day without any contact from her......

I'm hoping he won't remember this weekend.....

[MrBond]

cipa,

keep yourself busy by doing non-db, non-R stuff. Have you talked to your W about her A? Maybe you need to write a letter to her about how you can't believe she blamed you for everything while she was out fooling around.

I think you need to do something to clear the air before you go out with her. If not, I have a feeling that you're going to end up arguing with her in front of the kids and that's the worst thing that can happen.

You can even write it out here and we can offer suggestions.

Forget about the praying for her part. You pray for your own healing. Only at that time can you decide whether to pray for her or not. It's a long and slow process. I still have resentment towards my W for it. It especially hurts when they don't apologize.

[confusedinpa]

I just talked to my cousin, I'm hoping that he and his family will come out this weekend so we can go to a kids theme park so we can do that instead of golfing. It was something I had been planning on doing, but now there is even more reason to do it.

I'm really not sure if I'm ready to spend time with her, nor want to right now. But, according to my therapist (who finally called tonite), it may not be healthy for the kids to see us together as it will give them false hope. I will have to play that by ear to see how to broach that one.

I do need to get back into a work out routine. Since I lost my job, I fell out of the pattern and haven't figured out a time to get back into it. I need to find a gym with a heavy bag or perhaps pick up boxing as a hobby (I had gotten to Blackbelt in Kenpo but had always liked boxing as well). Figure it was time to start doing things for me....

I had slipped a little off my climb back out of the funk when I skyped my boys. I was at dinner with a colleague. When I was done skyping my boys, I saw how sad my colleague looked. He had a look of almost pity as he said that he had heard me talking about how I would talk to my boys each nite. But when he actually saw it, he really hit him how all I get to see my boys during the week is on a 15-25 minute call each day and the closest thing I can do to give them a hug is hugging the laptop screen.

I know he meant well by showing sympathy, but it got me down. Fortunately, I wound up talking to my therapist and my cousin from CO afterwards so it helped get me back on the track to climb out of the funk.

Plus I remember a message that Stronger had sent me, I am one day closer to seeing my boys.

I am still mad/sad/upset/disappointed about this nonsense. But I need to keep moving forward. For me. For my friends. For my family. For my boys.

[confusedinpa]

It was a tough nite sleep. I woke up disgusted as I remember the last time she and I were intimate (it was on the floor in my den when we had a quickie between dinner and dessert - kids were yelling at the door asking for dessert at the same time).

It used to be a memory that would make me smile and chuckle. Now it was a nightmare as the memory of her laying on the carpet naked dripping onto the carpet really disgust me knowing what she had been doing.

I'm trying to shake the memory out of my head as well as the emails that I have read of her rejoicing in her exploits with the other men.

What's crazy is what brings out the worst emotions in me is remembering her lies which kept me in her "fall back" position.

My therapist said that she will not likely realize what she had done for years..... At that point, she would have missed out on the boys being boys and the path of destruction she would have created would span beyond the mind and heart could see.

Part of me feels pity for her that she has chosen this path. But that gets overwhelmed by my hurt and anger for what she has done to the boys and I.

I don't feel like I'm in a funk like I was on Monday but feel that the climb out of that funk that I started yesterday has reached a plateau.

I do look go over what my friends have said to keep me going and that helps.

So I am thankful for - I am now 7 hours closer to seeing my boys. I have lived honorably and loved, honored and cherished my spouse the best that I knew how so I don't need to be ashamed/guilty of anything. Even though I have a piece of crap for a spouse, I do have two great boys that I love and will be there for as much as I am allowed. I continue to grow as a person to prepare for my future, what ever it shall bring.

[confusedinpa]

It is really hard to concentrate at work today. Not sure if it was the restless sleep I got last nite or I'm just starting to feel another wave of crap.

I had thought abut writing a letter as Stuck had suggested, regardless of whether the 4 of us go golfing or not, but my therapist asked what do I hope to accomplish out of it? She had suggested that if I felt compelled to write it, I should write it and then burn it.

Not sure how to proceed nor how to even start the letter. I can't see there is anything for me to say that she doesn't know. But maybe I'll falling back into my old habit of mind reading.

I want to tell her how hurt and betrayed I feel that she violated the promise we made to each other almost 10 years ago. I am disgusted how she lied to me when she had given up a long time ago and started looking for other men. In my heart, I truly loved her and believed that the marriage we could have had could have been the fairy tale we both wanted.

I had tried to carry myself with honor throughout our time together. I am sad that she felt it was appropriate to cheat on me, like her dad did to her mom and family.

I find it cruel how she had been covertly trying to justify her actions by constantly blaming me. That there is no justification for cheating in a marriage. That is a choice she needs to own.

I will continue to move forward and be happy with my life with my family. Right now that consist of just my two boys as she has made the choice to remove herself from the family. I accept that choice, but do not agree with it nor how she has chosen to carry that choice out.

Looking over what I want to say, it sounds almost too self-righteous. Then again, I keep asking myself, what good will come out of giving her this letter or having this conversation with her....

Any thoughts?

[Deep]

I could be way off base here cipa, but I think there's 2 basic parts to what you are feeling. 1) You need to get it out, vent, let off steam. 2) You need to just put it across to her exactly how you are feeling ... the sheer violation.

Writing the letter and burning it will fulfill 1) but not 2). You might want to consider the possibility that whatever you say now, and how completely how feel you'll be saying it, more details will come up in future that you wish you included. I think it has parallels to what is mentioned in the infidelity chapter of DR - that the betrayed spouse will have many questions to ask and things to say - but that is in a situation where there is remorse and the straying spouse wants to try and work things out.

You_just_want_to_make_her_see_how_f-ed_up_she_has_been?

That is understandable. Whether it is useful ultimately ... I don't know. In keeping with DB-ing, I guess the best you can hope for if you do go ahead is not to have any expectations on her reactions.

I've been reading your posts, keeping silent since I really don't know ifI have anything constructive to add. I'm so sorry it has turned out this way and you're in such pain ...

[confusedinpa]

I actually gave away my copy of DR when I found out about her running around on me. I still remember the crushing feeling in my heart as I felt the love I had for her get eliminated as I read the disgusting emails. Since the day she dropped the bomb, I never understood how she could truly mean "I'm done"

That instance, in the midst of disgust, I felt the same emptiness in my heart that made me feel "I'm done." That's why I gave it away. I was so blind to the possibility of her cheating on me, that not only did I defend her honor in my threads when people raised the question, I skipped the entire section on infidelity thinking that was impossible.

Pretty stupid.

I'm holding off on the letter for now. You are right, as everyday, I recall something that creates waves of feelings in me that I know I would want to include. The ones I posted earlier are just the ones I felt from the nightmares I had last nite.

My therapist has said I need to protect the kids. I don't argue with her about that. She said that us doing family things together will just confuse and add to the hurt of the kids. They will see us together for that instance and when we part, it will be like having a wound reopened over and over again.

I know some will argue that this is her way of making her way back. Problem is right now I don't care if she does or not. Trust is an incredible part of any relationship. After all that she has done, how do I allow that again, particularly she has made no move to ask for it.

She did text me about a few tactical things about our 3 year old today. One of the text was a reminder how much his day care bill was and when it was do. So, I take it for what it is. She made some casual sharings about our 3 year old before asking for the money. That has been what she had been doing. Trying to act all sweet and nice before setting me up for something.

I will pay it as I do not want my boys to suffer anymore than they have to. The child support agreement isn't in place yet, but my lawyer said that the amount will at least be the day/child care payments for both boys and an additional $500 (at least) per month.

I have made a commitment to each of my boys the day that they were born that I will always love them and be there for them to take care of them. I will honor that commitment as I had my commitment to her. My commitment to my boys will never stop, the jury is still out on what I will do with my commitment to her. All I can say is that it's not looking good.....