i think u should attempt to put your mind back into the moving on mode. i think u had the most success that way, for your own emotions and your husbands.
he is never going to change until he truly feels threatened that u are leaving. and those changes wont even stick unless your behaviors toward him stick.
am i making sense? u were doing so well, so moving on with your life, comfortable with the sep. agreement and he sucked u back in. now he can behave however he wants, even if u rant and rave or not take his calls. he knows it will blow over.
dont feel bad, it happened to me too last year.
think about it, i think u were less stressed and happier when u were letting go. i think u should again, let it stick for a while, let him see u have had enough. and when he sees it and tries to suck u back in, then we can figure out how to handle it.
do i make sense?
im thinking the boundaries should be addressed at that point. i would step away for now and then revisit....what do u think?
i amusing myself that im talking from such a different place now!
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Yea doodles, I'm so proud of you. It does feel really good letting go when you get there. You have grown. Isn't it funny that in the growing process you don't realize how much you've grown until you get there. It just sneaks up on you.
I really was comfortable stepping away, not to mention that I was so looking forward to moving on with that new guy that I actually still do think of from time to time. Don't know why but I still haven't shaken him off my mind as yet. Interesting. Btw, I was going to tell you, he actually texted me this week. But I didn't respond back. Only b/c he disappeared for several weeks just like that so I didnt want to respond just like that. I may reach out to him in a few days, don't know. But yes, when I was moving on H was like a little puppy dog, begging for me to take him back and now he's showing his true colors. That is the reason why I told him I want to take time dating each other anyway before he moves back in.
So, get this everyone... I think another reason I'm disgusted with H is becasue of somethign he told me last week. So while we were together I did the finances and H bills were paid well, credit was decent, etc. Since he left and has been support ow and her kids, his finances is terrible. Bills are unpaid, was racking up the credit cards, etc. All type of nonepayment notices were coming in. He refuses to open his mail. The other day I opened some of his letters only to see the cc has not been paid for three months. So last week, he was complaining about not having money and I asked him what has he been doing. His bills are not paid and he still has no money. He doesn't give me money and then he told me he hasn't even gotten to give his parents money as yet either for staying there. So then I asked how much he gives for his son only to find out that he pays the babysitter $140 per week and then gives ow about $150 per week extra for her to do whatever with it "she doesn't make much money" and then he buys son food and clothing too. Is this for real? The man is leaving me undone, himself and his parents and giving this girl about $1200-$1500 per month. I can't believe this. I truly believe a man provides for the ones he loves. I worked my tale off to get him settled in his career and this girl is the one benefiting. I am disgusted. A positive is that he said he knows he has to take care of it and that it can't go on and that she will have to get assistance from the govt. Grrrrr again I'm disgusted. Moving on from thiscrap is so so attractive. Let him go and have this girl that is about nothing bring him down to nothing - her level!!!
vicky, i really think u should move forward with the separation agreement. i would put money in place for u and u are still married and can still choose the work things out...
dont let it go like i did. yes i documented things and will now throw it at him in court, but i let too much go because i loved him.
interesting that the new guy called out of nowhere. maybe mine will too! i still think about him too, totally totally liked him. im talking to someone new who is super nice and we seem to have alot to talk about and he is rather attractive. but im still hoping for the other one to call!
maybe he will. men are so weird!
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
doodles, I keep thinking about going forward with the sep agreement too. Mainly for the fact that I don't want to appear as if I make empty threats, and then if we do get D at least the sep is already in place and the waiting period will be in effect. My main hesitation is that I really don't feel like spending more $$ on this whole sitch. I am paying the money up front for the sep and he is suppose to reimburse me, but getting it wil be difficult as you can see.
Funny we are walking the same paths b/c tomorrow I'm having dinner with an old guy friend too and I know he is interested but I still can't stopping thinking about other guy. The guy I'm meeting actually looked me up on facebook, haven't spoken in about 6 yrs. Will be interesting. There are things about him wrt to cheating that I know so I'm really not interested in him. I just want to go hang out though and to be treated with respect.
Yea, its good that he texted me out of the blue. I kinda knew he would have. That's why I deleted his # so that I won't get tempted and beat him to it. I really don't want to be chasing after no guy anymore so I do want him to do the pursuing. Maybe he will (I wish) but most likely he won't. Disappearing like that really means that he's just not that into me so I leave it alone. Don't know if I will respond to him. After all his text said he just wanted to say hi. Didn't really say to contact him. Will see how I feel.
With all fairness though, I was thinking that since H and I have been talking again I do know that he's been making an effort and has been coming through for me several times in these past weeks, but his little jolts of disrespect just gets to me. And I know he does it on purpose too.
the guy said just wanted to say hi to reach out and see if u would respond. probably realized he was wrong to just disappear. good for u for not responding right away, i dont know that i could have held out!
i know how u feel about not wanting to pay for the situation. my retainer is about to run out and i have gotten no where yet!
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
H called yesterday. He knew I was upset adn pulling back. As usual, wanted to know if I had a date with new guy on Tues our movie night. I said that I will not answer you I went with my friend [sis] and had a good time. Then he talks about then its ok for me to go out with other girls then, I said you have so go ahead. I named ow and he goes but she doesn't really count...wtf. He discounts this whole thing or I guess since I know it's ok. Said that he was coming this time but I didn't trust him. I ssaid well if you want to be here today gone tomorrow what do you expect. I don't know when you will be here or not so I didn't bother. I even told him that I just needed to to myself for a while anyway. Then he said so are we going to the movie this Sat. I was going to say no but I agreed.
Then I texted him a few hrs later saying: Mr H I am accepting ur movie & dinner invitation for Sat (movie before 8:30 please [my new rule for myself]) but please if u ever stand me up again without a polite ph call/explanation I will not go out with u again. Le me know a time for Sat. Thx.
Good?
Karen: I've been reading up plenty of articles on setting boundaries in R. Really good stuff. I will keep educating myself on this so I can teach people how to treat me.
I say good on setting boundaries about the movies. You decide what your limits are, and then I think the tough part is enforcing that if he doesn't follow through.
Your H sounds like a teen sometimes from what you say. So immature.
I'm glad you're learning to have people treat you properly. I'm so glad when you stand up for yourself and be strong and confident! Karen
So need some advice here... I'm questioning if I made a mistake. So H&I went out Saturday night, and on Sunday I needed to leave to travel for work. H&I took care of the car for oil change then he cooked dinner for me to carry with me. When I was leaving Sun afternoon, I just couldn't ask him to leave the home. So I gave him back him his key to properly lock up after I leave and he said he would check on the mails, my garden, etc. Now I don't know if giving him the key was a mistake. I mean he still hasn't moved back since we have things to resolve, but can I really ask him for his key back can I? Don't really know how to proceed with that. I don't want him to think that he can easily come back home - I know the things I want to be cleared up first. But then some things will take time I know too. I've been reading up and working on setting boundaries adn consequences so I wanna do that for a while longer.
So today, in working on boundaries, I sent H a text saying: Dear H been thinking about bills and our hard work all these yrs & realized that if we are not a team financially & I;m not getting ur financial support then I cannot work to save the bldg from foreclose or with the violations. You have left me with no choice given that our success is being sacrificed.
I didn't get a response but that's good I want it to sink in. We are suppose to try for a modification for our bldg but in thinking about consequences I realized that no way I don't have to do this if H and I are not a team and he is supporting ow. So will see how that goes.
So anyone, please let me know how you think I should handle the key thing. Thanks and wishing everyone happiness.
P.s. Ahh, Karen, yes, my H is a big old rebellious teenage 35 year old boy. H looks much younger than his age so I think he may be all confused at times. And I at 4 years younger seem to play the role of the responsible mommy. What fun.
I would thank him for locking up and taking care of the last minute stuff and ask for the key back. If you had a friend that did lock up for you, you would ask for the key back once you got home right? Don't make it into a big deal. I can't swear he won't but that is his problem, not yours. Just don't get sucked in and treated it like I said, a friend situation.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat. Will try that... basic friendship. I know he wants to hold on to the key. He hasn't said anything but I know he does. I'll try to be casual about it as possible but I know he won't be. Gosh, I'm such a chicken.
So I chatted with H at lunch and wow! I read somewhere that guys like straight talk and its true. H was perfectly fine with my text. I totally expected an attitude about it. He even said how could he not understand. It actually made me feel good. He even understands that he has left me with little choice. Maybe this is couple with the fact that he's been agreeing that he knows he gotta stop giving ow so much $ and he's left without too. And honestly in his mind, he really thinks he has to do this for his son to have a place to live, while she's uses it all to her advantage. But like the saying goes, "even the longest rope has an end." I must admit H is in a tough position b/c he wants the best for his child, which is understandable, but the child has a mother who cannot give him the best, and H already has another comfortable life that he wants to return too. The tough predicaments these WAS get themselves into.
