Yeah, my wife is easily rattled. That was the comment she had made before, how I'm good at calming her down. That's been part of my role in the M. It could be that, when i don't have the resources to do that, things go downhill.
I don't think it's necessarily 50/50 but when marriages have problems, I think it's usually both that contribute to them. I went through a lot of guilt for the longest time b/c I had been depressed and that was a major factor I think in my H's EA/PA. But you know he was treating me like crap and gone all the time and basically left the marriage before he left the marriage. Who wouldn't be depressed? I've come to think we both had parts in the marriage, and it wasn't just me. My H has the martyr thing going too, so I recognize it.
I do think that it's good you sound like you calm her down, but when you aren't able to and are stressed or whatever, sounds like something she needs to work on, learning how to calm herself down. But that's her stuff so can't control that.
Hopefully you're at the point now where you're making the changes for yourself and not what your W thinks is best. I mean I do think it's good input looking to that, but you have to decide what you think is best for you too. Karen
