Oh, one more addition about last night. One of my friends called. (W is friends with his W too). He offered us concert tickets to go out with them this weekend. I asked W if she was interested. Just a typical "(friend) called and offered. Do you want to go?" type attitude. Not needy, not mean.
She said she could be "uncomfortable" with that. I can get that with where we are, she wouldn't want to play happyface with our friends, but it was still somewhat hurtful. I responded "OK" and went for another long walk.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Funny little note...with all of this going on, would you believe she set coffee for me yesterday morning? She has given up coffee, but set it up to brew at the time I left for work (2 hours before she even gets up!)
I left a little note with a smily face that said thanks for the coffee.
How strange and out of place is this for a woman who will barely talk to me?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She even said that she has seen and appreciated the changes, but it's just not "meant to be," because she still doesn't "feel like she should." She just keeps going back to her "path to happiness" or her "true identity." It sounds like mumbo jumbo to me. Tie this in with late nights out, spending $$ like it's going out of style, dressing flashy, partying, and using highschool kid slang (looks and sounds ridiculous...but I'm judgemental). She's not even asking for any changes any more. She hasn't for months.
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I'm really starting to suspect OM.
Yep.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't like to jump on the OM bandwagon but what stands out to me is that rather than introverting (depression), she is going out so much and spending money etc.
I turned into a homebody and barely wanted to go out...she is "finding herself"...some of the folks here can give you guidance regarding how to explore the OM issue further (AKA- snooping).
She spent a lot of time "finding herself" months back. She's gone a lot more introverted lately though. The time out recently has been staying at her GF's house until wee hours (wife says she feels too guilty to sleep) and "going for walks" a couple of times in the middle of the night recently.
Phone records don't have too much questionable activity (a couple of texts last month that I don't know), but she spends a LOT of time on her computer. With that said...so do I
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
AAK - good suggestion. I'm going to change my screen name. It seems too confusing and too close to givingitmyall. I'll just do a "formerly known as" in my signature.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She says she feels horrible about what she's doing to our family. Wishes she didn't feel the way she did. Knows how much I love her and knows she doesn't feel the same way. Doesn't want to put our son through it etc.
I was very upbeat with her and even shared good work and family news with her yesterday. She was very receptive and things almost seemed normal for a 1/2 hr or so. I went and got pizza for dinner and we even ate together.
Once again, a few minutes of normalcy seemed to be too much for her pretty quickly. She said she was tired and went to "her" room for the evening at like 7:30. (she complained a little about being tired all of the time but not being able to sleep). She sat in there watching movies, but was up 1/2 the night again.
It is freaking brutal "playing happyface" but I think it needs to be done. Also brutal to hear her openly refer to "your" room and "my" room in place of "our" room and the "extra" room. I think it will bleed if I bite my tongue anymore. I'm getting better at it though. I have always been to the one that spoke first and thought second.
God give me strength...
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I realized last night that we are going on three weeks w/o any R talk. This has been the longest that we have gone in the over 10 months since the bomb. It would seem that we had been in a pattern of every 1 to 2 weeks I would have had enough of her dropping bait, being hurtful, etc, and I would pick at it.
I didn't get the DR book until last month, but I knew that I had to make changes. I was thinking "I've made changes...they've lasted a whole week...why isn't everything all better?"
OK, now I know this is going to take a LOT more time thank that. Hey - I never said I was patient ButI'm getting better.
More of same last night. Conversation for a few minutes when I got home. She came up with a reason to go do something with her GF. At least she was back early (9:30pm). I can't really blame her for leaving. It's very awkward at our house with us both there.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I'm really starting to suspect OM. I've done some snooping and haven't seen much to indicate such though. Found one thing that indicates a flirty facebook exchange from a few months ago (on our 10 year anniversary noless), but I have accounted for nearly every evening that she has been out since then (sans the recent late night "walks").
Accounted for nearly every evening....???
Her having an affair couldn't be more obvious if she sent you a picture....
She is in the midst of an affair. GUARANTEED.
THAT is the reason that what you are doing isn't working or going to work. First you need to smoke out that she IS (and she is) having an affair and then regroup and change your gameplan. She won't respect you until you show her that you weren't born yesterday.
ButI'm getting better.