who is this man?

[Ms Jen]

My H wants me to fight with him. He'll say things like "YOUR D watched TV all day. All day! That's all she did!" with disgust in his voice, like he did yesterday. And his facial expression is like that of a 3 year old who's in a power struggle with a parent. Sticking chin out, sneering mouth, raised eyebrows, like 'bring it on'. Can anyone relate to that??

Typically I'd respond to something like that by telling him the things OUR D did during the day that I asked her to. But my 180 is to stop that. It only fuels him.

So I just said "yeah?" as he sneered at me. After a min or two he said "you don't even CARE" and walked away. I got my shoes on and went for a walk, hoping that some day that snotty angry 50 year old 3 year old will get over it.

[If you wanna read about our earlier drama feel free]

[dncrm]

Jen,

The next time he says that why don't you say that maybe he should talk to her? Put the ball back in his court. If it bothered him so bad why wouldn't he say something to her rather then to you?

My ex did the samething. He wanted to b!tch and moan about my son but he never had the guts to say it to him directly. Maybe the only person he feels he has control over is you.

DSM

[Ms Jen]

Good idea. "Did you say anything to her about it?" would be a good response. I could use that with BOTH kids!

Huh, it's the simple things we learn here that are so valuable.

[Ms Jen]

I've been thinking about doing something different.

Typically I am gentle, kind, patient, giving - do I need to NOT be those things?

In the course of GAL I'm not around as much so I'm not giving/doing as much... I go swim every am so I'm not around to make his bagel or start the coffee in the morning, which is different.

I do not defend the kids, which is different.

I do not try to get a hug, kiss or initiate any touching whatsoever, which is different. I'm waiting for him to initiate contact, which is different. Hopefully one day he will.

I do not think anything I'm doing (or not doing) makes me any more mysterious or makes him more likely to draw closer.

Do I need to do - or not do - more?

[shewholurks]

Typically I am gentle, kind, patient, giving - do I need to NOT be those things?

Jen, you are who you are. Don't lose yourself in all this. Continue to live your life while doing no harm.

~ swl

[job]

Jen,
Just be yourself....do what makes you happy. Do not live/change your life to try to make him happy. Live your life for you and your children.

[brandnewday]

Typically I am gentle, kind, patient, giving - do I need to NOT be those things?

Yes, you need to be those things!

Showing love and grace will get you much further then being mean and vindictive.

Set boundaries for yourself.

Only you know what you can handle.

[Ms Jen]

Thanks. I'm not sure that I know what I can handle, brandnewday.

It would be easier for me to GAL if he wasn't at home. It's Weird.. I still feel like we are a team and should make joint decisions - but I'm not sure if he's still on the team or not. I've never played alone, esp since we met when I was 19. I REALLY want to tell him to sh!t or get off the pot. Now that would be a 180! But I won't, for now.

I'm wondering how long it will take for him to initiate contact [physical or otherwise] and wondering how I'll deal if he NEVER does.

For now I'm swimming every morning and walking every evening. It's good for me and it gets me out of the house. Plus I can pass tears off as sweat, and blame red eyes on chlorine. That is, if anyone notices either.

[brandnewday]

Ms.Jen,

When my Husband dropped the bomb he pretty much stuck to his side of the bed.

During my Husband's MLC there was no physical contact, in fact I was a born again virgin for almost 3 years.

This is a process, there is no time limit.

[Ms Jen]

It is SO HARD not to hope too much. One or two evening of civil, almost friendly, conversation and I got my hopes up, for maybe a hug, a peck on the cheek, a pat on the back, a foot on my side of the bed... nope.

I see him starting to work out and immediately wonder who he's getting in shape for - I've been working out for weeks and it's for me. Wonder if he thinks I'm doing it for someone else?

Today I feel like this is all a big stupid game and I'm tired of acting as if and tip toeing around. But I'll go home and do it anyway. Maybe I'll have a drink first though.