3 years ago my husband was accused of having an affair with my best friend. I found out that he had a secret email address in which I had him delete. Someone that I work with had seen them together on work property in her mini van. I found a phone number too. When it all went down she acted very odd towards me and agitated and would not tell me things. I had a bad feeling that started the year before and I finally confronted her about it. She was very angry. I am not sure if it was EA or PA or one at all. I just had a nagging feeling. On the night it all went down he left and went to his sisters. He drained our bank account, took off his wedding ring and wanted a divorce. I convinced him otherwise. He stayed. As I said in my newcomers post he dropped the bomb on me on our 7th wedding anniversary. Before that I accused on a daily basis. He has erased internet histoy many times. Do you think it is still going on. Should I let it go? My marriage is failing and now he only sees me as a friend. We used to have so much passion. The OW has RUINED my life! She is very manipulative and devious and I despise her. I could not imagine the two of them in love as they have nothing in common other than me. I do work with her and I know that on his birthday she left work early. She has done things to try to be like me and many of my co-workers have taken notice. She pretends like she runs( I am a runner)...and other things she has pretended to be interested in..some of the same interests as my husband and myself.
Holy Moly! Stop puking…I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I had a panic attack at work and it was one of the worst things I have ever experienced.
Please, take a deep breath, and breath slowly think of something fun.
When you say three years ago, your H was accused of having an affair….who accused him?
Where is your H living now?
From everything I’ve read, I think you need to incorporate 180’s immediately. Starting with stopping the accusations now. What was going on in your marriage that this EA could develop, if it did at all?
There was a time when I COMPLETELY blamed my H for his EA and that it was all his fault because he wanted it to happen, he wanted another relationship with another woman.
Well, through this process which includes the bomb, the therapy, my GALing, meeting my family here in DB.com and all the wonderful advice and really getting to know me better, I’ve come to learn my part in all of this….how I helped to allow my marriage to be ripe for someone else to butt in. I hate to admit it, but this might have been the only thing to get my attention, I’m so hard headed by nature.
Another reason to stop with the accusations…..it’s weird how this works, but the more you accuse the more he will go to her, if there is one. The thought process I think is like this “Well, if I’m going to be accused of this, I might as well do it.” Does that make sense?
And if it’s not what you think it is, you’re still pushing him away….who wants to be accused of crap they really aren’t doing and yelled at in the process?
This helped me with the 180’s and it’s how the book DR tells us to do it….write down all your habits in the relationship that you know are killing your marriage and either stop it, or do the 180 for it.
You can do this, but you have to calm down. Get a hold of yourself and start DBing. We’re here for you.
Check out my thread in MLC under Trying to stay positive without getting too hopeful
I am surviving an EA/PA too. So I know. I never puked, but I was pretty close. I understand.
I have anxiety and I am a very obesessive person. I have made this more imporatant than my very young children and that is sad.
As for the A with my H..I had a feeling which was odd because this woman has nothing to offer but I did not like the way she was flirting with my H. She was my best friend, we were inseprable so I blew it off. It finally came out when she was going through something she could not tell me about. I told a friend at work. I left work, this woman that did not really like me too much called me on my cell phone(asked for number from my manager) and told me she had seen my H in her mini van. I called H, he denied it, left for sisters house, came back the next day said he wanted a D I changed his mind, he said he was sorry, nothing happened..I could not let it go. I obessesed and badgered day after day for almost 2 years.
My H is living in our basement. There is no physical contact whatsoever as he states he is not attracted to me, only loves me as a friend.
I stopped talking about it to HIM 3 weeks ago but not to others. I obesess about it. Day after day, minute after min. When I think I am okay he does something that makes me anxious and I lose all hope.
If he is having an A with this woman who has 3 children of her own when will it END!!!! Maybe he is IN LOVE with her!
I have always been able to convince him that we should stay together, he said we are just not good together, we are better off as friends. I dont believe it...Not in the least..our relationship has always been very passionate and loving..My one gripe was he was never afraid of losing me..That bothers me. It bothers me that I really am not sure he can comprehend the full ramifications of his leaving..Our children are very young and he said because they are so young it will not affect them too much. I disagree. He has given me many chances to change but he has not done one thing to change..He has not tried..HE said we have tried so many times..we have tried for 10 years but he has been an alcoholic as well the whole time..we have not really tried..and now I feel we owe it to our children to try..really try!
Hi Swim- I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to offer a word of support. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this horrible situation. I can tell from your writing that you are a strong spirit- don't lose that in dealing with all this! I think it's fine for your to be angry and not calm- just channel that energy as best you can into divorce busting. Unfortunately, he isn't going to change- at least not any time soon- it's not fair, but you are going to have to be the one to change. The good thing is with all the DBing work you'll be doing, you'll be channeling all that anxiety into action. My thoughts are with you!
Well, the way this works is that you are going to have to take on the majority of the load here, if not all of it. Are you ready for that? If not, quit now. I don’t think you are ready to quit. He may not be either or maybe he is. Who knows? Right now, that’s not your job to figure out. What are you doing do GAL? What are you doing for you? How old are your kids?
Not much of a friend is she? That’s unfortunate.
You say she has nothing to offer….bad and dangerous thinking. You know exactly what she has to offer him…..don’t you?
She is not real. He has not one responsibility to or for her. Imagine, a life with no responsibilities. He doesn’t get yelled at by her. What do you do? (Badgering) He gets compliments from her. What do you give him? (A hard time for sitting in a mini van)
In a nut shell…..she has a lot to offer and if you don’t believe that, you might be dead in the water already.
So, what do you do?
Start working on you. It’s time to act as if…..my suggestions? Act as if she’s irrelevant. Think about it. You are such a better person than her, why worry about her? Aren’t you better than her? If yes, then it won’t be too hard to pull this off.
The most important thing you MUST do right now: Stop asking about her. Stop asking him anything R related. No more yelling, no more questions, no more badgering him.
Right now, he’s not fighting with her. He’s not being interrogated by her. So who do you think he’d rather talk to? Hang out with? Be with? You or her? That’s what he sees in her.
You have H in the basement. That is good. Take advantage of it. Go and plan things so he sees you going out. Take you kids with you. Invite him or don’t. If you do, make it clear you were going with or without him anyways. That’s a win win situation for you both because it’s no pressure on either of you. Don’t be disappointed if he says no. Eventually when he sees all those smiles walking back in the door, he’ll start saying yes or maybe just invite himself.
This is something that is very difficult, I still have problems with it, but you can’t react to him. He’s probably not even doing things to get a rise out of you but he’s probably not thinking about your feelings either which sucks.
When will it end? Really, and this was probably the hardest thing for me to learn…..it ends when you let it. He’s not in love with her.
What are you doing do GAL? not much other than running and working out What are you doing for you? running How old are your kids? 1 1/2 and 4(almost 5)
Last night he flipped on me..He was in a bad mood because D threw a fit that she did not want to leave and then he came to work to get me but I had drove..he forgot. So after D went to bed he took off his wedding ring. Said our marriage was over. He said it was over a long time ago. He said he never trusted me in 10 years. He said that the end was when we moved into my parents house I lost his trust and I would never get it back. He said I drove the bills into the ground and messed up the house( not making payments) He said his sister said how could I do that I took the responsibility on about the bills and it is my resp. to make sure they are paid. I asked him so many times to help. I told him to leave this weekend. He said the changes I have been making were fake. He said I could never change. I said watch me. I said I love you uncond. I dont care about he money or anything else. He said he is not leaving right now. I said you need to leave and I do not care where you go. HE said he cared about the kids and the house. This morn. I asked him to put on his wedding ring and he did. I hope it stays there. I hope I get a chance to prove to him I am someone he can trust. He said I am here. He blames me for everything. Everything! I dont know how to earn his trust back. I think he wants to give me a chance but I am not sure. He stopped when I was crying and I told him I love him so much and he does not realize what he is giving up. I said I married you when you had nothing and I dont care what you do now I just love you and want to be with you. Is he ever going to see the light? Does he really want me to change? What have I done! It is all my fault. I ruined everything! The kids..his life. He was drunk when he said all of this. I dont know what to do..I really do not know if I can save this marriage. I want to and I told him that I am not giving up. I will fight for this marriage. He kept saying that we do not love each other. I said I do love you. He said we will end up hating each other.
Little background. We had to move to my parents because after the birth of our first D he was going to school and working at night. I had a nervous breakdown due to exhaustion, working too soon and he lost his job. We moved to my parents so we could both go back to school and save for a house. We lived there for 2 years. We both finally graduated and bought a house.
Has there been EA/PA's in the past on either of your parts?
Besides him sitting in the van with her, what else is there that truely makes you think that he is having an affair with her?
Is there any other things that you have CONCRETE evidence about that would suggest he has been unfaithful to you?
The taking off of the wedding band thing...that is a way of being spiteful and hurtful. How do I know this?? Cuz I do that to my H when he has me comepletely angry enough during a fight to want to leave. It hurts him that I take it off.
My main advice to you right now....YOU have to stop obessessing about this every minute. This is not healthy for you or for your M or for your young kids.
If you want to save this M, the start taking some of the advice on here about GAL, and doing the 180's. Start reading M saving books, get an appointment with an IC and/or an MC. If you want to fight then start doing it instead of obessessing about what might be happening.
I am not trying to be hurtful here just brutally honest with you.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
What you said makes SO much sense. I do obsess over it and I am really not being sincere in the changes I am making. I need to put my plan in action now and not worry about him. It really hit me what you said because I am not practicing what I preach. Not whole heartdly. I am doing what I always do. Talking instead of doing and I think that is what he is talking about..not following through with my actions. I am second guessing myself constantly.
I would never cheat on him and he knows that. He said he does not trust me because I moved us into my parents house 4 years ago. Makes no sense..he was drinking last night when this was said. But he said it this morning as well. He was accused of having an affair but the only think I had was an email address and I asked him to delete it. There is no concrete evidence however. The trust thing I dont get. I really do not..he said he knows I would never cheat on him..which I would not..ever...not my thing. But I dont know..he said I let him down..really he is projecting..I think he has let himself down..I have followed through on most of the things I said I was going to do. He said I am still here..whatever the heck that means.
