WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

It was a tough nite sleep. I woke up disgusted as I remember the last time she and I were intimate (it was on the floor in my den when we had a quickie between dinner and dessert - kids were yelling at the door asking for dessert at the same time).

It used to be a memory that would make me smile and chuckle. Now it was a nightmare as the memory of her laying on the carpet naked dripping onto the carpet really disgust me knowing what she had been doing.

I'm trying to shake the memory out of my head as well as the emails that I have read of her rejoicing in her exploits with the other men.

What's crazy is what brings out the worst emotions in me is remembering her lies which kept me in her "fall back" position.

My therapist said that she will not likely realize what she had done for years..... At that point, she would have missed out on the boys being boys and the path of destruction she would have created would span beyond the mind and heart could see.

Part of me feels pity for her that she has chosen this path. But that gets overwhelmed by my hurt and anger for what she has done to the boys and I.

I don't feel like I'm in a funk like I was on Monday but feel that the climb out of that funk that I started yesterday has reached a plateau.

I do look go over what my friends have said to keep me going and that helps.

So I am thankful for - I am now 7 hours closer to seeing my boys. I have lived honorably and loved, honored and cherished my spouse the best that I knew how so I don't need to be ashamed/guilty of anything. Even though I have a piece of crap for a spouse, I do have two great boys that I love and will be there for as much as I am allowed. I continue to grow as a person to prepare for my future, what ever it shall bring.