What does he want?

[cantbreathe]

Thanks you Hope4Luv!

Stronger - do you mean the first couple Marlene and Mark? I do see it.

We had an ok evening. No R talks at all. He got home on time and was very tired. We chatted a little about work and D7's first day of school. After dinner his sister called me. (Ironically she's going through the same thing her H, except they are talking of splitting. H has avoided all conversation about it since he did the same, especially since he thought BIL was horrible for doing that to his family.) When I got off the phone, the kids were playing Wii and he was watching baseball in the bedroom. I sat with him and kind of watched the game, read my book and stroked his hair and neck - something he's always enjoyed. He didn't pull away or aknowledge it but fell asleep. After a while he moved away. When we went to bed for the night, shortly thereafter, he just rolled over. I said goodnight and so did he. Then I gave him a playful poke and said where's my kiss? He rolled over and gave one one and didn't seem to have any attitude.

This morning freaked me out though. He leaves for work at 4, but always, always kisses me and the kids goodbye. He kissed S4, who was in bed with us and walked around the bed (my side is by the door) and hesitated and (I think) started to leave the bedroom. I asked aren't you going to kiss me goodbye? I don't know if I should have, but we had had 2 good nights, WTH? He did come kiss me and then I got up for a drink and aspirin. We met in the kitchen and I asked him "Were you really not going to kiss me goodbye?" He said he was going to. I said ok, sorry. I gave him a hug, which he only half returned and a we kissed goodbye again.

What the heck was that about? This kind of thing sends my mind going around and around. Every hurtful thing that he said comes back. "He isn't sure if he loves me, what he wants, cares about the kids but maybe not me, doesn't like talking to me, doesn't care if I forgive him, maybe he doesn't want to get over feeling bad about touching me." It just goes around and around.

I know it is not productive. I know I have only succeeded in avoiding R talks for 2 days and I shouldn't expect anything yet. I guess accepting affection from me is good even if it's not returned. I just don't get the step back from the kiss goodbye? And, yes, totally sure he wasn't going to.

Oh, I did not say ILY yesterday or this morning.