Just so you know...

[bluerain]

Its small talk, about the dogs, house, just stuff like that. Before he decided he was having doubts, we would joke and talk for hours. I guess that happens a little now, but hes very distant. No ILYs since april of last year.

I get so angry with him lately. Im really frustrated with this. I want to see forward movement, and Im getting sick and tired of waiting for it.

[bluerain]

Ok, so today I gave in to my paranoia. I think that its bad to indulge it, so Ive been resisting for a long time! I have been starting to worry that H is sort of schmoozing a new OW. She was M to one of his really good friends, the friend transferred and she stayed, I have been pretty much ignored by the military community since H left, so I thought that they had divorced, she changed her myspace status to single (though for all I know, its always said that), They have been writing on each others FB walls and what not.

So tonight, after a 13 hour work day, I figured, what the hell, she works at the grocery store and it was quiet, so I checked out and asked her if she was moving to where her H was transferred. She said yes, she just was waiting until the place she works had an opening, so she could transfer her job. We had a little more small talk and she mentioned H's trip next month. She said that she thinks that he is coming back to see what he wants and that shes really pulling for us.

I was smiling as I left the store! first, I am super glad that shes now OW2, and second, I am really glad that she and her H are not D. It always made me sad when relationships end.

So like I said, Im not proud that I was basically indulging my paranoia, but I really do feel better now.

Also, I was talking to some tourists today and as I was talking to a woman her husband started to come over and she said "Oh, theres the douchebag with the camera" And I thought, wow, you know, you really shouldnt belittle him! I said some things to H that I am not proud of, and I know exactly how destructive it is! I didnt say anything, just smiled.

[bluerain]

damn. I was on FB and I somehow ended up on H's profile and at the top of his was a message from OW, "Hey, you need to call me, my phone fell into the ocean. Dont ask" dammit. I am so disappointed.

I dont know that he did call, or whatever. Honestly, I dont want to make excuses, or try to reason out the other side of the story.

I was really in need of positive progress, and this is NOT it. I guess it wasnt an oversight that she was still on his FB after all. I dont know what to do.

Dangit. I know that I wasnt supposed to have expectations, but I was at least feeling hopeful.

[Dia]

Hang in there, blue! You get to see him soon.

[bluerain]

Thanks Dia. I feel a bit better, had a big fat cry and painted some stuff, its a project Ive been trying to work on for a while now.

He will be here next wednesday (yikes, I thought it was later than that! ). I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done before that, I had better get a move on! I asked him what if he was flying right into Homer, or into Anchorage, he said he was flying into Anchorage and renting a car, then he would drive down. I also asked him if he was staying with a couple that he was friends with, he said that he hadnt made plans yet, but was sure that they would make room for him.

I thought about inviting him to stay here, but I didnt. I have mixed feelings about it, on one hand, I would have a real chance to show him the changes Ive made, but on the other hand... Its cake eating!

Also, I lost my wedding ring last summer. I have no idea where, I have turned the house upside down searching for it, several times. I do still have my engagement ring, but the stones stick up too much on it, and poke holes in my rubber gloves at work, and the band is a little big, so the ring shifts and pokes my fingers so I cant wear it. Instead, I have been wearing a ring that he bought me several years ago. So, my question is, should I wear it when he comes back?

The mouse on my laptop is going haywire (part of the reason Im getting a new computer!). And occasionally, as I mouse over things, it will click on random things and take me wherever it pleases. This happened tonight while H and I were chatting on FB, thats where I saw the message from her. I kept up my PMA during the convo, and when I couldnt keep it up anymore, I told him that I was getting offline, and goodnight. He said goodnight Kristin. I know that Im reading more into it, but he usually doesnt use my name.

I dont know. Im tired of this, at least in a week or 2, I should know whats going to become of all of this!

[bluerain]

What a strange day. I have this big deal going on at work. Today was sort of a heartbreaking day, bad day for the otters. Its so tough to be professional sometimes! But Im really glad that I can really pour myself into my work, it keeps me busy, even though right now I have more than enough to keep myself very busy!

I have sort of come to this place where I really dont care anymore. I have zero expectations of this visit. I dont even care to see him. I have a road trip planned on tuesday for work, I should be back tues evening. H is supposed to come in some time tuesday. I could totally change the day of my trip, but I dont care if I see him or not, so I dont think that I will. This trip is important and, honestly, judging his behavior over the last 18 months, its more important than him.

I have started making plans that involve only me. I dont care how he will fit into them, or if he will. He had 18 months to take that into consideration.

[karen43]

Sorry to hear about the otters...It sounds like your job has big highs and big lows too. But you are doing such a worthwhile job--it's awesome!!!

I think you're attitude is good for the visit. Just a good attitude. No expectations. When I first came to this site, that was a big saying around here. And I think it's good. That way if it doesn't work out you are kind of prepared, and if it does work out, you're pleasantly surprised...

[bluerain]

Thanks Karen, today sort of calmed down at work.But the guy that I dated last summer sent me some texts today, said that he still loves me and blah, blah, blah. Seriously, do I not have enough on my plate? I tried to remember how I felt when H ignored me, so I tried to be respectful and patient and tell him that I wasnt interested in a R with him. And he went on and on and on! So, he obviously didnt study DBing, I just stopped answering his texts.

I called the Air Force today. Seriously you guys, I am just about out of options as far as a job goes. The recruiter said that since I had taken AD's last summer I probably wouldnt get in, and the cut-off is 28, so he had an issue with that too. He said that he had never seen someone who had taken AD's get in. Even though I only took them for 3 months, because my husband had left me for a 22 year old loser! I'd like to see how he would react! Apparently there are no exceptions.

Out of all the things that I have lost through this, I never thought that opportunity would be one of them. Grr. I need a punching bag. I should put a picture of his face on it!

[orangedog]

Bluerain,

wishing you the best.

[kassie]

((B))

Sorry I haven't been available for anyone lately. Thanks for stopping by my place to support. Trying to catch up with your sitch. Seems to me that your emotions are spinning in many directions which is to be expected. However, as a goal oriented person that I suspect you are - you know that nothing happens unless you set a plan in motion to accomplish it. Without the plan in place and taking steps toward that goal - nothing will change.
If you want a particular outcome, stay focused and move forward - ask for what you want. H will either respond either y or N or wait. The ball is then in your court as it always has been. Then you can decide that if you get the response you want - good and move forward gently. If you don't get what you want - let it go peaceably.
I think too often here, people think we should be able to get what we want or be able to force the other into what we want. (just as much the other is thinking)But the choice we have realisticaly are: 1) getting what we want, 2)not getting what we want, or 3) compromising between the two which is how real relationships work. So you can either accept that or not. It is just another way of looking at the world.
A second word on thoughts and feelings... neither one has all the answers - in therapy the job is usually to find a place where we can line them up and take action from that vantage point. Otherwise, decisions based on one or the other often leave us wishy washy and unsettled.
Hope this helps.