WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I just talked to my cousin, I'm hoping that he and his family will come out this weekend so we can go to a kids theme park so we can do that instead of golfing. It was something I had been planning on doing, but now there is even more reason to do it.

I'm really not sure if I'm ready to spend time with her, nor want to right now. But, according to my therapist (who finally called tonite), it may not be healthy for the kids to see us together as it will give them false hope. I will have to play that by ear to see how to broach that one.

I do need to get back into a work out routine. Since I lost my job, I fell out of the pattern and haven't figured out a time to get back into it. I need to find a gym with a heavy bag or perhaps pick up boxing as a hobby (I had gotten to Blackbelt in Kenpo but had always liked boxing as well). Figure it was time to start doing things for me....

I had slipped a little off my climb back out of the funk when I skyped my boys. I was at dinner with a colleague. When I was done skyping my boys, I saw how sad my colleague looked. He had a look of almost pity as he said that he had heard me talking about how I would talk to my boys each nite. But when he actually saw it, he really hit him how all I get to see my boys during the week is on a 15-25 minute call each day and the closest thing I can do to give them a hug is hugging the laptop screen.

I know he meant well by showing sympathy, but it got me down. Fortunately, I wound up talking to my therapist and my cousin from CO afterwards so it helped get me back on the track to climb out of the funk.

Plus I remember a message that Stronger had sent me, I am one day closer to seeing my boys.

I am still mad/sad/upset/disappointed about this nonsense. But I need to keep moving forward. For me. For my friends. For my family. For my boys.