I understand that 'not crying' sentiment, I really do. I understand the people=pain, thing too.
However, people=pain is not an absolute formula. People also = love, joy and happiness. If you cannot open yourself to pain, you cannot experience all that life has to offer in terms of happiness, either. That's not a judgement of you, that's just what I have found in my own experience.
It could be that you try to be close to your wife in the only way you know how (through physical intimacy), but on every other level you are emotionally unavailable to her (in order to protect yourself). She could very well be feeling as if she is a piece of meat and so does not 'give' to you physically. And since she does not give, you withdraw even further.
My H and I got into a discussion this weekend (one of those fights where you don't raise your voice, but everything that comes out is lethal, you know?) He said something that made me cry. Me!! I CRIED!! I was so stunned that I was crying, and that I couldn't make it stop, I forgot to argue!! It took me 10 minutes to get myself under control...
I can tell you I'm still stunned by it. I understand your difficulty in making deep friendships because of pain. I would venture to guess that were you to go out and have sex with someone tomorrow, it would feel great physcially, but within a few short hours of being away from whomever, you'd start feeling very lonely, depressed, and somehow disconnected. I don't know if you've felt this, but I know I have in my own experience (before H). Has it been similar for you?
I still don't know how I feel about this crying thing. I'm still mulling it over. I know just a few short months ago, given the same argument and the same hurtful things he said, I would have withdrawn so far from him he'd be lucky to see the white side of my ass for a month. I would have gone into a depressed funk, and children in the streets would have run from me just because of the look on my face.
This time, I actually cried, and I feel this very weird resistance to brooding, replaying it in my head, and sending zingers his way. I don't WANT to be in that funk... I'm still smiling, and I still catch myself wanting to be pleasant to him... it's like I have to remind myself that I'm mad at him... which I don't really want to be.
I want to let it go and keep on having a happy relationship with him. But there's that little part of me that wants to strike back at him for hurting me enough to make me cry. But I have found that striking back at him to hurt him, also hurts me. And the last thing I want to do is hurt myself.
This is the biggest friggin' pisser I've ever encountered. I find myself on unfamiliar territory. I guess I've made more progress than I had previously given myself credit for.
So what does all this have to do with you, you ask? Hell if I know. Would you ever want to get to the point I've described above?
