A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[givingitmyall]

Question: What do you get when a live, 8-inch long lizard gets into a house with three nervous cats?

Answer: Pandemonium!

(Lizard has taken refuge under the dryer. Lizard needs to STAY THERE!)

Ahhh. Darwinism on display. Lets see who is the fittest.

[Dia]

Hmm, I must have been especially irresistible today when H got home. My workday was blotto-crazy so my 5 pm ritual was delayed. I got to most of the bits but my hair was still up in a twist.

H found me in the kitchen nibbling on one of my fave snacks - a piece of cheese with strawberry jam on it (think cheesecake for taste). He had an Armenian cucumber from his garden which he (lewdly) proffered for me to smell, and I reciprocated by offering him a bite of my cheese. We chatted for a few mins about our respective days, including the lizard and Dean trying to play pounce-and-chase with a grumpy Percy.

Somehow, we'd meandered from the kitchen to the dining room. He stopped and gave my one of his quizzical "Who are you again?" looks, then he hugged me. Out of the blue. A coming home from work hug. That's a new one. I've been getting the goodnight hug and the off-to-work hug, but a coming home hug is new.

Hey, I'm up to 3 a day now, so I ain't knockin' it.

[Dia]

About goals....

I need some new goals.

My previous ones were:

1) Demonstrates in word or deed that he is happy to see me.

2) Initiates conversation with me via phone, email and/or in person.

3) Invites me to do something with him, even if just a movie at home.

4) Initiates affectionate touches - e.g. hugs.

All of these have been met in spades. What can you folks think of for new ones? I'm having trouble with magnitude. I'm thinking of:

1) Extended cuddle in the hammock (elsewhere is ok).

2) Initiates a kiss, even if on the cheek.

3) Invites or allows me to sleep in the Master bed.

4) Asks me on a 'date' - no kidlet.

I'm wondering if those are too big of a jump? If so, what are some good in-between ones?

[Dia]

So, H is in the office on his computer for his weekly game night. It's cool, because it usually ends by 9 pm and all the other times he's gamed he's seemed hungry for my company afterward.

I rummaged through our CD cabinet and pulled several of our more intimately-associated selections:

Norah Jones
Sarah MacLachlan
Lots of Enya
Enigma

Norah is playing warm-up atm. Sarah will round out the middle of the line-up, with Enya coming in for a strong finish. Enigma... Can't do Enigma just yet, methinks. Norah is a warning shot across the bow but Enigma is Heavy Artillery. It's the difference between slow dancing with a glass of wine in your hand vs. wall-climbing, "hold me down and do me" passion.

Hmmm, I may go open a bottle of wine, too.

[Dia]

Alas, nada. Nadissima.

He seemed withdrawn and avoidant after the game. He claimed fatigue. He did take a few moments to pet the new kitty and speak to me a little. And he thanked me for minding kidlet, bringing him the wine, etc. but he went to bed w/o giving me my customary before bed hug. In all fairness, we both had a very interrupted night last night as we were up and down refereeing cat squabbles.

Fine - if he doesn't want to be the prey, then he will have to be the hunter. I can play that.

Maybe it *was* fatigue, and maybe I spooked the deer. I'll give it a few days before I decide because if it was fatigue, he should be warmer tomorrow. If not, well, cross that one off my list at least temporarily. Doesn't change the fact that *I* had a fabulous night, tho.

[Dia]

well, I found out why last night fell so flat. I was using the wrong tool for the job.

I didn't need a warning shot across the bow.

I didn't need Heavy Artillery.

I needed a sniper rifle.

More later.

[Dia]

So here's the scoop and what tanked my musical mojo last night.

H had scheduled a 5 am computer assignation with OW. Remember back last Saturday when H got up at 6 am, with me and kidlet waking up shortly thereafter? I'm thinking the Saturday session left something to be desired and they must have rescheduled for 5 am this morning. She's in a diff time zone, so this would be 7 or 8 her time.

Knowing that he had to be up at 5 would explain the sudden onset of 'fatigue' at about 9:30 last night. I was asleep on the couch when H walked by - which woke me up. This would also explain the alacrity behind the speed of his new computer set-up. He was on a short deadline. I can see into the office through the LR window, so while I couldn't read what was being said, I do know that he had his Gmail and a chat window up.

In keeping with putting pressure on this R w/o a direct confrontation, I stumbled bleary eyed to the bathroom then asked if I could finish sleeping in his bed. He said yes. No excuses about waking up early and not being able to sleep. He also closed windows and looked guilty even tho I was not standing in a position to see his screen.

Re: guilt - yes, he is feeling (and acting) guilty. That's fine. He needs to feel guilty. And I would guess that she is feeling sidelined - which also needs to happen. Hopefully, I upset his equilibrium enough that she could detect something was off. This is good because:

She will be the one to get needy.

She will be the one to get clingy.

She will become ever more strident in her demands for attention.

SHE will then become "unreasonable and demanding" while I'm standing there happy, sassy, DBing, GALing and singing in the shower.

And HE will hate all of that from her.

Fast forward to the rest of the morning. H was grumpy. Apparently the session with his honey did not go well. (Too bad. So sad. NOT!) All of us started our morning routines late. Kidlet mentioned the packet of forms he'd brought home on Monday and H immediately turned on me and blamed ME for not bringing those to his attention. He proceeded to fill them out (they were optional; I looked) while muttering things like "J*sus Christ!" under his breath.

I breezily mentioned that kidlet had told both of us that WE had homework Monday evening. H snapped at me that he never heard that and I should have reminded him. I ignored this.

Meanwhile, I was making a shopping list - already planned, not gonna change my morning because H has his jerk on. I asked H to name one luxury item, something he usually couldn't afford, for my list. He couldn't think of one, but kidlet chimed in quickly with "Pop Tarts!" I confirmed a few other things we needed, hugged kidlet and told him to have a great day at school. Then I went to the store, leaving H to clean up his own mess - the one he created by spending too much of the morning on the computer, thus making himself and kidlet run late.

As I was driving down our street, I saw H walking back from the school. He waved happily at me, then began to prance and caper in front of my oncoming vehicle. (DUDE! Seriously. Do NOT Tempt Me!) I pulled to the side, rolled down my window and reached out toward him all friendly-like.

"Hey, there. Look - I'll try to be more communicative about the school stuff, ok? But..."

He interrupted me with an apology.

"But I was nasty to you. That wasn't right and I'm sorry. It wasn't just about you. You were getting fallout from a bunch of other frustrations and that wasn't fair to you. I should have asked (about the school stuff)."

Dia: "Thank you. We all forget stuff sometimes; it's ok. We'll get the communication piece ironed out. Now have you thought of a luxury item yet?"

H: No...

Dia: I'll surprise you. Have a good day. <Dia drives off>

"Other frustrations." I have a feeling these 'other frustrations' will be working in my favor. <innocent whistle>

Here's the thing - H has been remarking on how happy I seem lately. And I am dead certain he caught the vibe last night. I am also dead certain it wasn't lost on him that he by-passed the yumminess I was offering to go to bed so he could wake up at 5 am and then had to deal with 'frustrations' from OW. And yeah, he'll be doing a cost-benefit analysis on that one.

And just to put the icing on the cake, I sang in the shower this morning. Not terribly unusual for me, but the tune today was one of the Enya songs from the mojo music last night. So he's a frustrated, grumpy mess and 4 feet away, I'm singing love songs alone in the shower.

Personal revelations:

1) I didn't allow his piss-poor mood or his piss-poor displacement to disrupt my plans or my mood.

2) Unlike previous times, I did not feel even a whiff of that shame-based urge to run. Instead, I felt a rip-roaring urge to FIGHT. Different; yes. Good? I think so.

And, final note from Dia this morning. Gents and ladies, ladies and gents. If you've been doing the extra-marital mambo with someone else's dance partner, do not, I repeat - DO NOT - dance and caper in front of your spouse's oncoming vehicle. Your insurance company will thank you for it.

[Dia]

ROFLMAO!

He just called me. Seems HE is at the grocery store. He wants to know if I'd like him to get hamburgers so we can break in the new grill tonight.

[Kettricken]

Do. Not. Change. A. Thing.

Still no guarantees, I know .... but damn girl, ur doin it rite.

[Dia]

Thanks, Kett.

Oh, and his 'luxury item'? I got him a nice bar of dark chocolate (we used to lay in bed and feed each other chocolate) and a packet of beef JERKY. The loves the stuff, so the play on words will probably be lost on him. They are laying on his bed.

Mostly I stifle my passive-aggressive urges, but that one got the best of me.