I understand how frustrating it is to be made to feel like the "bad guy" but it was an honest oversight on your part. Apologize, reassure and try to KEEP YOUR COOL!!
It is the biggest challenge that I have not to go ballistic with my H because he is just so OBLIVIOUS of how I feel and why. He is in such denial of our situation, don't know if he will ever face what our challenges are....
Back to you. She was freaking because she has not come to terms with the fact that the affair has been over for a long time. Since she could not contact you immediately, she freaked out thinking that an affair was happening again because you moved out of the house. You made a committment to HER, not to the person that you had the affair with. Remind her of your committment to her.
Explain to her again that you love her but need to have forgivness to move forward with your lives together. Part of that forgivness is to try to meet you even partway with the intimacy issue. I know the pain and rejection of craving your spouse's touch and nothing for months at a time. They just don't realize how cruel that is to us. I wish they could understand that touch and intimacy are so important to a healthy relationship. We all need touch, great program about touch last night on TV. Forget which channel. Anyway.....
She still has not found forgiveness about the affair to help her heal. You screwed up, it's over, has been for a long time. It's almost as if she wants to continue to remind herself that there was a time that things were really bad between the two of you and she wants to continue that pain to be the martyr. Don't fall for that trap.
Several other observations. Regarding the timing of becoming pregnant. C9, it still takes two to tango, so please do not lay all of the responsibility of becoming pregnant with your W. I will have no idea why this happenned at the time that it did. If there were any doubts in either of your minds about creating a child, especially with the affair being over just shortly before the pregnancy and the stress of building a new house, those doubts should have been voiced. But you have a daughter that you cherish and need to care for.
Another thing that I noticed. Your reluctance to show emotions, especially tears. Tears can be the most cathartic emotion depending on the situation and I for one do not and never have thought that real men don't cry. That is bull pucky carried over from our growing up (we are about the same age) Our parents weren't always right, were they?
I know how frustrating this is, especially trying to keep your cool, but you cannot afford to lose it. She may yank your chain, but just don't let her FLUSH!
