In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Fall,

I have done alot of those things. I do work out every morning. Have always done that, but I have bought new going out clothes, instead of just work clothes. I know I expect instant results or at least some sign of hope. Have made sure I am avoiding the sweat pants around the house as well. Coming and going without telling her. It does kill me when she comes home at 4am. By the way I have noticed your responses at 4:30ish. You are definitely the early bird.

I found that I like country music. Normally, I am Rock and Roll guy. However, Sugarland seems to hit home quite a bit. I am a 40 year, vp of a fortune 10 company and I was crying in my car last night. It just is overwhelming sometimes and it just gets to you. I came home last night and she tells me that it was not because of her horrible temper that she went on antidepressants 5 years ago. It was because she wasn't in love with me. I said you were living a lie for 5 years...she said yes I am sorry I didn't say anything to you, I guess you made a bad choice in picking me. Later I was saying when I was out a couple weeks ago, I met someone, I left before anything regretful happened. She said that is great that you met someone. I said I will not make this easy on you by becoming a monster and cheating. She also said if she had to decide today, she still wants a divorce.

I know discussing the R is bad. But sometimes if I don't discuss, it builds up to where I just have to say something. Anger is so exhausting. The sleeping on the couch, just allows me to sleep. I just find myself staring at the ceiling in the same bed with her.

I did tell her that I am not going Thursday to the fundraiser. I still may just decide to show up dressed to kill just to show her..

Today we went to Six Flags Great America today with the kids. Has been planned for awhile. We put on the truce for today. My son on the way home said today was also great that we didn't fight today. That just hurts. When we were talking outside last night, my son was hearing us talk through his window I come to find out.

Fall: Don't you think sometimes we deserve to be happy. I just want to be happy again. I just want to feel love again. I just don't know how long I can stick it out. This site helps, the DB book I read helps. Some friends that are close help. It does give me strength to carry on. I just want to be loved again. I know right now I have to be strong for the kids. I am not there everyday, but I will keep the fight up...

I got on facebook and have reconnected with friends I haven't spoken to in 20 years. So I am trying...I will work on not believing everything she says..