Just want my H back

[Deep]

hhh, for what it's worth I think coming to terms with your own faults in what went wrong in the M is good and fine, but in line with making this about YOU, work at it to change yourself for the better - it's pointless giving your H more fuel for his wantaway fantasy than is absolutely necessary.

From what you posted, an OW(s) might very well exist, if only in your H's mind. There's a chance he is looking for an A to happen.

And to add on to what Trying wrote, Retro was not a magic pill that made everything alright overnight. W was still confused / in love with OM before, during, and after the first weekend (and yes she did not go looking for it either). W was adamant she felt nothing for me beyond caring for me and not wanting to see me hurt. And yeah, the similar intense pressure I did put on her before I detached also drove her very much back to OM. Retro opened up the communications we had let die, and some of what had to be heard and said were really, really painful in the extreme. It was enough to make W realise that this level of sharing could maybe, just maybe, point that there was still something there. There was a tiny spark of that old connection.

It didn't mean the rollercoaster for the next year or so wasn't hellish.

Don't give up, or think there is no hope.