Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Promised I would post after the court hearing yesterday. I had asked the court commissioner for Marriage Counseling to resume as well as for us to attend, and him to pay for a Imago Therapy Marriage Workshop, and finally, maintenance, since I just got back to work last week and have not had any money or unemployment funds at all, and my H hasn't given me a dime since April 3.

Well, let's start with the bad news. Got a no on the first 2 requests, because he said that coerced participation is rarely helpful. However, he did acknowledge that counseling is helpful overall.

As far as my right to remain in the home, that was upheld!!! I am so glad for this, because my H is acting like he is doing me some big favor or something, to let me stay in our home. If he wants me to move out, he will have to pay for a rental. You should have seen his face when he was told how much is the reccomended amount he needs to pay per month based on the calculation. He said that he'd need to take a second job to pay for it...then my attorney used that opening to say "If you stop paying for things for your girlfriend like hotel stays and toys for her kids, you'll be able to afford it. We have copies of reciepts". Ha!

And he has, spent close to 5k in the last 2 months on crap. Also he is purposely running up 2 cards because he thinks I have to split them @ divorce, but guess what, they are all his responsibility, ever since date of filing! He would go out to a restaurant and charge $300, and have everybody pay him cash, but never pay back the charge, so I'd have to split it.

Guess what happened next? All our accounts (both of us) are frozen until the actual divorce except our checking accounts. Thank god...then he won't rack up more debt - what an idiot! He had to ask my permission in court to spend some money in the savings account to pay off a small home improvement he's already paid half of, which I agreed to do.

So he really wanted me out of the house, but did not get it. He said that he would write me a big check were I to move out immediately, but my attorney and I said no, because it works out to only 1.5x of the monthly amount the calculation told us that he could easily swing from his LARGE monthly income.

I feel very strongly about the workshop, especially becasue of the approach looking at needs we fullfill through our spouse that we got deprived of in childhood. He has a ton of these. So I've instructed my attorney to let him choose as far as monthly payout, and to make it very attractive for him to choose the lower monthly payout if he attends this upcoming workshop. It's what he desperately needs, and my last ditch effort, so I'm not giving up on it.

I need to contact the therapist and make sure he is marriage friendly, because as it turned out, our other therapist was not. I got this one through the "Getting the love you want" website, the Imago therapy one, so that we could continue the work from the workshop here back at home. I need to get his rates as well as ascertain that he is pro marriage. He doesn't take our insurance, I think. I've called him once before to check, but he works on a sliding scale.

So while there were no final decisions made on housing, I feel super supported because they upheld my rights and he now has the reality check that he will actually have to pay me somehting. I almost feel bad for him, because my atty got in everything I wanted said, and really, even looking back, his attorney did't get anything in at all, and he's had the case for months now! I just hired my atty this week, but she's fiesty! ggrr! I was so proud of her for standing up for me.

I was super nervous and at one point cried out "but we still love each other" during the session, because it's the truth. They had us facing each other in a medium sized room around a table and the attys faced the court comissioner. It was intimidating, but I was super glad I was there with support as opposed to going in alone.

I would expect that our attys will have some sort of compromise completed by the end of this week, and I will have to move out, but hopefully, if I can get him to attend the seminar first, by dangling less of an obligation over him, he will bite at keeping me around until after we attend the workshop and hopefully he is mine once again, and we can drop this whole thing. I will keep you posted.

I must add this as well. I made it a point not to gloat at home and continued the silence, as we've been doing. I don't want to rub it in and make him defensive or feel foolish after the fact because I want him back. Also, I am making a real show of working my butt off at work now that I am back to it and going to sleep early and all of it because I am wiped out after getting back in the saddle and I want (and need) to make some serious cash. This was a big issue for us, so I want him to see me crank hard now.

I owe my folks so darn much just for the atty alone! I feel like an indentured servant, I owe so much, but I appreciate their help. Also, this atty was one of the few in the city that offers a fixed divorce option price, so I jumped at that. Nice to know one of my costs is covered already, except for trial appearances. So I feel like I got a deal in her, and I'm very grateful.

Back to our Marriage though, I am still hopeful that now that he has a reality slap (big time) of his obligations, he's more willing to compromise and even (dare I say it!) talk to me and work out our problems. Cross your fingers that this is the wake up call he needs! Thanks for all your well wishes and comments.