Master the deer in the headlights look and zip your lip. You are not moving out. Let her prattle on about what is on her mind and answer yes or no questions only. Don't agree or disagree.
Don't argue or ask her to stop. Don't try to change her mind. Pull a turtle and pull in your limbs. She gets no more information from you right now. This is her deal and anything you do right now will be twisted to confirm what she is doing right now is right.
On telling your children, you do do it together. But you also confirm for them that this is not what you want. You say less than her and only let them know you both love them and will always be their parents.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Yeah, I'm not very eager to talk to her very much right now. I'm not eager to do anything "for her" right now.
I'm working on my support system. I've talked / emailed with family, but it's hard because they're so upset.
I've got a high-school friend across the country who has been through this, and I'm emailing / talking on the phone with her.
I don't know many friends who can relate to this, actually. People tell me, ask around to get a recommendation for a lawyer, etc. Seriously, I know nobody in my day-to-day life who has gone through this.
W was talking yesterday about finding us support groups - this was a prelude to the "we can't support each other" talk. I kind of shrugged it off. I'm uncertain about finding another counciler now.
Well, struggling today, I'll get me thoughts together. But yes, right now I just want to focus on getting up again. I don't need to talk to her right now.
Crap, every time I DO sit down next to her these days, I get the "Can we talk?" thing.
Well, she did enjoy the baseball game, and we all went to the movies yesterday, she said she enjoyed that. But right now I want to back way off. I can't take anymore right now.
Yeah, I'm not very eager to talk to her very much right now. I'm not eager to do anything "for her" right now.
I'm working on my support system. I've talked / emailed with family, but it's hard because they're so upset.
I've got a high-school friend across the country who has been through this, and I'm emailing / talking on the phone with her.
I don't know many friends who can relate to this, actually. People tell me, ask around to get a recommendation for a lawyer, etc. Seriously, I know nobody in my day-to-day life who has gone through this.
W was talking yesterday about finding us support groups - this was a prelude to the "we can't support each other" talk. I kind of shrugged it off. I'm uncertain about finding another counciler now.
Well, struggling today, I'll get me thoughts together. But yes, right now I just want to focus on getting up again. I don't need to talk to her right now.
Crap, every time I DO sit down next to her these days, I get the "Can we talk?" thing.
Well, she did enjoy the baseball game, and we all went to the movies yesterday, she said she enjoyed that. But right now I want to back way off. I can't take anymore right now.
Bill, Family is not where you should be leaning. If you take a peak at my thread you will see exactly why. The least little bit of information they have will come back to bite. (My M as much as told me to give up and get a D already. Gee thanks, Mom.)
Yes. Back off. Do not be very accessible and feel free to say you are not ready to talk about certain subjects. She will stop talking if you do not respond. She may want to rush things, but there is no need to do so.
Please do find another IC. No matter what happens, you need that.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks for the reply. Yeah, my family aren't the right ones to talk to. My dad basically said, your wife has problems, get a divorce and make a fresh start. My sister is mailing me all sorts of stuff on father's rights, etc. I feel bad that I've upset them all.
Trying to find friends. Yeah, I see I should find another IC.
I talked to an aquantence today that's gone through some of this. Kind of feel like a dork saying, hey, I know I haven't talked to you in awhile, but I understand you've been through this - what do you know about lawyers, etc.? Kind of makes you feel like an emotional leach, but it was OK.
So, she made dinner and I did the clean-up, like we agreed. She took care of the kids this morning, I took care of them tonight, as we agreed. Then I said, I'll go in the other room - and she actually says, because you want to, or because you want to give me space?
Come one.
I just said, does it matter? Don't worry, everything's OK.
She's in a good mood tonight, so hopefully we can minimize drama for awhile.
Damn, I couldn't get out of bed this morning. Lack of sleep or depression, maybe both. But yeah Wifey, I just called another IC. This can't go on.
I just sent a message that I wasn't feeling well into work...
Hopefully it'll be soon for the AD to kick in. They said 6 weeks.
Of course, W had to come into the bedroom this morning to see that I wasn't getting up. When I was finally heading out to work later in the morning, W came home - looks like my son fell asleep in school, so they called her to get him. He hasn't been sleeping either.
So, again she's all upset that she's got to take care of things. S thinks he'll be able to sleep on the air mattress, because it's cooler, leaving no place for W to sleep, so now she's getting resentful about that.
Hopefully it'll be soon for the AD to kick in. They said 6 weeks.
I think that's for full or majority of effects to kick in, but I think after a month you should know whether it's helping or not. If after a month you feel like you did today, I would ask for a higher dosage or a different medication.
Um, I don't want to be rude, but do you think your W might be a little bit of a drama queen? She seems to have a bit of a martyr complex. Karen
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm stronger than this. What have I been doing?
Thank you Karen - yeah, I may have to talk to the doctor about this. Damn, i've got to pick myself up. I hate this being pathetic business.
Hmm maybe I shouldn't tell you guys about it
Yeah, my wife is easily rattled. That was the comment she had made before, how I'm good at calming her down. That's been part of my role in the M. It could be that, when i don't have the resources to do that, things go downhill.
Well, took the kids (& dog) for a walk, hopefully that will help us all sleep better tonight. W is off at a movie with friends.
Kind of pissed me off last night, she she says, I'm getting on facebook to find somebody to chat with. I"M SOMEBODY! I'm RIGHT FREAKING HERE.
I realized last night that I have habits to make sure I don't spend too much time alone, because I know it bothered her. The more I think about it, I was making an effort these past X months. She told me she needed me more, I changed my behavior. I think it was already a done thing in her mind.
Frankly I think I'm finally entering that phase where I'm mad. I'm thinking of horrible things to say to her. Not that I will of course.
Yeah, my wife is easily rattled. That was the comment she had made before, how I'm good at calming her down. That's been part of my role in the M. It could be that, when i don't have the resources to do that, things go downhill.
I don't think it's necessarily 50/50 but when marriages have problems, I think it's usually both that contribute to them. I went through a lot of guilt for the longest time b/c I had been depressed and that was a major factor I think in my H's EA/PA. But you know he was treating me like crap and gone all the time and basically left the marriage before he left the marriage. Who wouldn't be depressed? I've come to think we both had parts in the marriage, and it wasn't just me. My H has the martyr thing going too, so I recognize it.
I do think that it's good you sound like you calm her down, but when you aren't able to and are stressed or whatever, sounds like something she needs to work on, learning how to calm herself down. But that's her stuff so can't control that.
Hopefully you're at the point now where you're making the changes for yourself and not what your W thinks is best. I mean I do think it's good input looking to that, but you have to decide what you think is best for you too. Karen
Well, on my feet today. I guess struggling a little, but making it through.
W seems more even. Last night, when commenting on how my t-shirt had shrunk in the wash, she says, lauging, "You look hot." Last night when she came home and I was playing guitar, she came into my room - I paused, she said keep going - free concert! I think she may have said I look handsome or some such this morning, and made a point to say "have a good day!" when I left.
I'm barely addressing her or responding to her at all. I just can't.
It's funny, she's saying things like "You should have some vegetables - well, I guess it's not my business."
At this point I want some space.
We've got plans to go to the state fair this weekend, all four of us. She brought it up - "are we still going?"
I think they're delivering the papers tonight.
I'm starting to see vague outlines of a post-D future I guess. Maybe negotiate that she get the house so I can keep retirement and savings. I don't know... Well, if it seems like I'm getting ahead of myself, it calms me to see managable solutions.
Whatever happens things will be OK.
Someone told me today that they'd been going though a hard time and went back to their religion. For this particular person, it was surprising. Maybe I should go to church this Sunday. With W as an agnostic, this has been an on-again-off-again thing for our family. There's a Methodist church near our house - didn't seem to work for our family at the time, but maybe this is just for me. (Yeah, I'm Methodist, it's not just random choice.)
