Quote: But one question first: why do YOU think she loves me?
Welp, it doesn't really matter what I think, believe it or not (stuns the hell outta me, too ), but since you asked, I will give you an answer.
Okay. Let's just look at your most recent post. When I mentioned to you that I was bummed you didn't comment on my 'detachment' post, you responded in this manner:
Quote: I'm so sorry. I will go back and re-read your posts to find your comment on detachment, and respond.
You don't owe me a damn thing in this world, Cloud. Hell, we don't even KNOW each other beyond some honest interaction on this board. Yet you apologized to me for something you were able to recognize was important TO ME. You think, hm, well she took the time to write something, yeah, I can find it in me to find the time to read it and respond, whether I AGREE WITH HER OR NOT.
You offered here to me empathy, compassion, and a willingness to at least HEAR ME. You were sensitive to my feelings and the effort I put towards trying to communicate with you. Your RESPECTED my effort. You reacted to me in a LOVING manner, though I would never, ever say you are in LOVE with me.
This is why your wife loves you. This is why you love her. At some point in your lives, the two of you were able to offer this exact thing to one another.
But by allowing yourself to become vulnerable enough to accept someone's love, you also make yourself vulnerable to the very same person to hurt you.
Now were you to respond to me that you didn't have time to read my post, and from what little you did read, you thought I was full of sh!t anyway, I'd have to say that we've interacted enough that that type of response from you would hurt me. And knowing me, I'd only give you a few shots below my belt before I told you to take a flying leap, you know?
There are only a very few people on this earth who can do things to us that will cause lasting damage (beyond use of force), and those people are typically the ones we love the most.
I don't believe we do it intentionally to one another. I think if we had any idea how our words or behaviors were hurting our spouses, we'd stop ourselves immediately. The disconnect comes when we do not try to see or feel things from our spouses point of view BEFORE we see or feel things ourselves.
Our own thoughts and feelings can sometimes be our own worst enemy.
If I can get you to understand anything, Cloud, it would be empathy for your wife. Tonight, stand with your hand above a stove element that is turned on high. When the element is as red as it's going to get, move a hand toward it. Try, as hard as you are able, to convince yourself to place your hand on that hot element.
Even now I can hear you say, 'what, are you f*cking nuts?!' Just do it. I'm not asking you to burn yourself. What I am asking you to do is be aware of the conflict that will occur inside of you as you try to convince yourself to put your hand on that element. The closer your hand gets to that element, the greater your stress will become.
This confusion, this stress, this complete COUNTER INTUITIVE feeling you experience at that moment is the closest you will ever come to understanding what your wife is feeling in learning to trust you again.
If you can create for yourself a scenario in which you can truly understand her struggle, you will again find empathy for her. It will bring about for you new understanding. It won't change your needs or your feelings, it will simply change your perception enough to reach out to her in the same manner in which you were able to reach out to me today.
And sometimes, that's all it takes. Changing our perception or experience of the world enough to once again find our empathy.
), but since you asked, I will give you an answer.
