Divorce not busted 3

[aliveandkicking]

If I have declared that my favorite cheese is mozzarella and you keep trying to convince me it is brie, I'll fight you to the death. If you sneak me a little brie here and there, hmmm...I might just take a liking and eventually concede that it is better.

AAK, you are one smart and insightful lady!

Well, at least someone appreciates my metaphors...

[givingitmyall]

AAK is absolutely correct. Anger is NOT part of detaching.

[aliveandkicking]

However, I got a bit angry as well as sad, and I am trying to use the anger to help detach. I love her, but I don't like her right now.

Oddly, I find the only thing that allows me to detach at times is being angry at W....As soon as my anger resides, I am back to wishing things weren't the way they are.

You are still allowing "them" to control and sway your emotions.

side note: anger is not a good way to form detachment. It has a tendency to lead to hatred. Those are the most bitter of divorces.

SMcQ

Yes!!!! And that is why, despite all the pressure I was under to file or do something, I am so glad I didn't. Now, I am ready to deal with it. NOT while I was angry...

I guess detachment is the healthy path for dealing with R or D...it is just essential for mindfulness and sanity.

[Orich]

Ok, I am very scared right now because all this time I thought I was doing it right, turns out I probably made it worse. Please help me to do this right. I could use concrete examples of detachment. Today when W came home the only time I spoke to her was to ask if she was eating dinner, and also to clarify what my son was trying to say about his day at the aquarium. She didn't initiate except for logistical stuff and what time was I going out. I am now at a theatre waiting for my brother to see a movie.

[MrBond]

The key to detachment is giving her space without seeming cold. That's what it comes down to. Giving her space to figure things out. That doesn't mean to not invite her to things or to not engage.

It means that you can invite her to join you and the kids to do something, but if she doesn't want to, then no biggie. It's allowing her the space and time to decide what she wants or doesn't want to do.

You're going to have to stop seeing her as your W and more like a roommate right now. Don't isolate her. Joke with her, see if she needs anything and just be there for her when SHE WANTS it.

[antlers]

Ok, I am very scared right now because all this time I thought I was doing it right, turns out I probably made it worse. Please help me to do this right. I could use concrete examples of detachment. Today when W came home the only time I spoke to her was to ask if she was eating dinner, and also to clarify what my son was trying to say about his day at the aquarium. She didn't initiate except for logistical stuff and what time was I going out. I am now at a theatre waiting for my brother to see a movie.

It's no pressure, no expectations, true giving, and letting go of your fears. Fear immobilizes us, makes us make poor decisions, and robs us of giving. Love is the antidote for fear, so start by loving yourself. Let her go. In your mind and soul, let her go. It's a decision. It's convincing yourself that you have no control over anybody other than yourself. It is within your power to do this.

This is a great analogy that has helped me...


"Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope?
The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer !
You do what is healthy and productive for you." - Coach

[MrBond]

Oh and one more important thing about detaching. Don't overdo it with the compliments, favors, etc. When you do, it comes off looking like a child saying "hey look at me".

When you do her a favor you do it without expecting anything. When you come home, you ask her how her day was and if she doesn't say anything, it doesn't bother you. It's not about you. It's about her right now.

[aliveandkicking]

Try to enjoy your movie. You must understand that you will be ok. I understand how you feel. I've been there. You are getting good advice. Detachment takes time and sometimes anger comes first but it must evolve.

The fear is your Achilles heal. Your wife may divorce you. You will have a wonderful life no matter what if you so choose. Breathe.

I am not spewing platitudes. I wanted to die. I know the pain. I'm telling you, beyond the fear is a beautiful and tranquil place. Still difficult but really quite empowering.

Focus on the movie, whatever movie it is, look for something life affirming in it.

Life is short. Don't give up this time with your bro. Enjoy and appreciate it.

[Orich]

I did have a good time with my brother at the pictures last night. Today, I drove w to work so I could take her truck to have the new stereo installed. She did bring up a couple of things relates to the upcoming block party and stuff at her work. I talked civily to her, but didn't bring anything up myself. I have the boys again today. We have been having a blast, and have another fun day planned for today. They are a great distraction, but sometimes a reminder of what I am missing. Mommy is usually with us when we do stuff. Is this my future, just me and the boys on my days to have them? I am having fun with them either way.

[Deep]

You know, I've seen that quote by Coach and much as it has some good and valid points, I do have a different viewpoint on some of its messaging.

You simply stop hoping, expecting, or needing the elephant to move. You drop the rope AND don't even think of whispering. It'll be really cool if you had an elephant walking beside you in the grass sometime (especially if there are lions around), but if it doesn't happen, it's ok. You'll be fine and can enjoy what is around you all the same. (except if there ARE lions :))

Or maybe I'm being too negative?

Also, I think SOME anger, besides being only too human, is also not always bad. It plays its part in helping the LBS wake up to reality too, much as the WAS needs other things to have a chance of waking up. If LBS have no reaction at all to being trampled upon, he / she might as well open a bakery for the WAS.