Hope you're doing okay today. I feel drained, and am not staying at work late tonight, instead hanging with my older daughter. Tomorrow night is Halloween with the younger daughter.
About 5 to 6 years ago, I cheated on my wife. She found out about it, and we had several very tough months that followed. We finally decided to put our all into the marriage, let the past go, and move forward. Within 3 months, we had started building our new home in L.A. (which was on the drawing board when I cheated), and she got pregnant with our second daughter.
I proceeded to be Mr. Good Husband and Father, and several years went by. AFter the baby, I could understand her desire lowering for a short period, but it never came back. If I'd raise the issue, I was told that she still didn't feel comfortable enough with me, or that she still didn't trust me enough to give herself to me in that way. There were other permutations of the rejection, but this is the one that really bugged me. I had finally had it a year ago, when she came to me with a suspicious attitude one night when I got home late. More recently, she caught me deleting sites from my internet history, and confronted me about it. I told her, truthfully, that there are sites that I don't care she sees, such as this one. I didn't feel that there was anything wrong with it, but she still cites it as a reason she can't trust me, and if she can't trust me, then we have no relationship.
Now, let me ask you: If your husband cheated on you, AND YOU DIDN'T TRUST HIM, would you turn around and have a child with him so soon? I had the belief that everything was back to normal after our child, but then when I wanted sex, suddenly I was untrustworthy. In hindsight, it was very unfair of her, I think. If it wasn't that, it was because my mom was coming over too much, or my older daughter was getting away with stuff she shouldn't, or my tone of voice was too abrupt; it was always something that she cited to reject me, and it was always my fault. Hence, why I see her as moving the boundaries on me. I don't think she has a sex drive, period, and have told her so. She's a boring lay, and I feel like I'm taking advantage of her when we have sex.
I know it's not me, because I've learned that my sexual energy and confidence is fine, thank you very much. This is her problem to deal with, once and for all. Is it really her trust in me, or is it something much deeper that has no relation to me? I think it's the latter, and she finds things about me that she can use to tie her fears to, fears about something or someone else who preceded me. If that is the case, I will never win with her. I will always do or say something that will allow her to reject me. It's really sick, when you think about it.
As for her request to have me come home, it is because she misses the family life, misses having me around. But I know we'll just get back to our place of comfort and I'll be counting the days and months until we blow up again. She does not find me attractive, and does not love me, and cannot admit it.
