UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Oz - you are right. I need to get H's answer on what evening he plans to come around as I can't let him think that I am just sitting here ... or out weeding the garden! I'm in stubborn mode today and not wanting to contact him but I guess that if I wait until lunch time, it won't seem like I have got out of bed and he is the first thing on my mind - though he very much is, of course.

I don't have trouble in getting off to sleep, funnily enough. I just wake early and feeling so very sick. It haunts me in the early hours and this morning I have woken up feeling like a horse slept on my chest ... no, not from the weeding (!!) but in my heart. The pain is so bad still that I do have physcial manifestations and it drags me down. I'm trying not to give in to it today but it's so easy when you see the lonely hours stretching out in front of you before it's bed time again. I feel like I am just existing until 7pm every night when I can gather up the cats, hot water bottle, cup of Horlicks and head off to watch some mindless tatt on Foxtel.

As you know, I am trying to GAL but there's nothing much going on around here - we are an hour away from the most isolated city in the world (ha! imagine it) and truly, unless you want to go in to the city, there is nothing going on. I'm just not that brave to head up there on my own and hang out in bars or restaurants, because that's all that there is. I also worry about my personal safety if I am out after dark. Coming home is problematic for me - we are on the edge of the bush and it can be pretty creepy at times!

I have managed to get in to the evening routine, as described, but I still can't find a routine for the day time hours. Once I can get work, that is going to help me so much. Applied for two jobs yesterday (they always turn out to be non-starters) and the agency are having another look around for me.

It's still very much on my mind what H's plans are and why he is not available until 6 October - that being a Tuesday, which is his usual day to return from interstate, when it's his turn to fly over there. I can't help but feel that it has something to do with that tramp but I must stop thinking about it - and in that way. Maybe it will turn out to be nothing like I am imagining and he will tell me about it when he's here. Thing is, it all highlights that there must be so much else that he is not telling me about too - he doesn't consider himself married any longer and so why should he share his diary with me?? It tears me apart that I am still legally married to him and yet I know nothing of what he is doing on a day to day basis. He has cut me off and his intentions are so clear in my mind - get rid of the house, get rid of me. End of.

Today there will be a trip out in the car! I am going to post off the scarf and some other bits'n'bobs for my friends birthday and then I shall head on out to find the replacement plants that need to go in the front garden. Need to control the spending - especially when I am in the plant nursery!

New friend said that she may give me a call later and meet for coffee/lunch at mine but not sure as she really didn't know what her plans were going to be. My life is one big uncertainty every day - I just don't know how much longer I can live like this. It's just too lonely to be living like a hermit.