At one point she said she was filing this week. I cried. I said I don't want S7 to have to go through this since we have never tried to work on this together. All we have done is "take space" and drift further apart. She kept going on about her "path" and eventually threw herself on "her" bed and cried, fine I'll stay here unhappy forever. I'll die unhappy. I tried to tell her that we don't have to be unhappy. None of us do. Please work with me to save our family and find happiness for all of us. She just yelled "I'm not leaving...I'll stay here unhappy forever!"
Sorry I'm all over the place here but picking what stands out for me.
I was you, saying this stuff. Trust me, if she stays out of guilt, she will be miserable and she will drink or leave or you will. She must find YOU attractive and want to be married to you. This took me soooo long to get. I wanted to hook H back in with logic and duty and guilt but that is a bit of projecting too. I mean what keeps you from giving up? Your undying love for W or fear? So, when she hears those words, she is hearing a concession that there is not much left for you two other than obligation, duty and fear...thus being miserable forever.
Make sense? You both need to want to be with each other and your ambivalence can serve you if you let it and give up on controlling the outcome for the kids (that is the hardest part for me). But, let's get real. You don't like her right now, she is not the last woman on the planet and she is not as committed as you would like her to be. I am not saying give up, I am saying get honest with yourself.
However, your wife is still there!!!! She sees what you see regarding the optimal being staying together. That is huge. She doesn't know how to get there.
Many people here talk about Retrouvaille and you can google it. I don't know you're W (obviously), but it sure sounds like you might be able to get her there and get those necessary tools.
