Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

The Retro session will be either the weekend of Oct 2 or Oct 16. This gives me plenty of time to live my changes/attitudes. Sandi mentioned this "in-between" time is a good thing...my friend here at work says it's a blessing.

No more with the R discussions is correct. My friend says "to fast and pray during this time". She looked at my waistline and then said "fast with you tongue and pray." She said the same as you, stop talking and start doing. I got a laugh out of it.

It's weird, I feel very detached from my W today versus yesterday. It's the fact we have kids that makes detachment temporary.

And finally, today is my son's first day of kindergarten. My W made a big deal out of it...great breakfast...plenty of photos...nice clothing...etc. I sent her a text message this morning saying "I just wanted to say you did a marvelous job making our son's first day of school a very special one." It make come across as pursuing, but it came from the bottom of my heart...I really meant it.

You have words of wisdom my friend.
-LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi,
Thank you for your reply. I agree with you that it is a good thing about the extra time. My friend here at work says it’s a blessing so make good use of it. You’re also right about my W’s potential attitude coming out of Retrovaille. So many people on this BB would love the opportunity of having their WAS attend such a meeting. I need to keep looking at the positive side of things and be thankful.

What do you think about the Love Dare book? Would it be considered pursuing in your opinion? There’s lots of great ideas in this book, but I wonder if my relationship is in appropriate stage for such action.

Yes, I agree with your “relaxed mental attitude” suggestion. It goes along with what GIMA is saying. It’s much easier to accomplish when I’m playing with the kids…it just comes naturally. And yes… I’ll try my best at avoiding R talks…I have already spoken my peace to my W…it’s all in her hands now.

I hope Retrovaille has a positive impact on my W. My close friend at work believes my W was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and doesn’t know how to deal with hardships…like a troubled marriage. Also, while at Retrovaille, my friend believes that my W will see that couples with far worse problems have been able to mend their marriages and live fruitful lives together.

About the love language of gift-giving…I think my W’s languages are “acts of service” and “gifts.” In an earlier post to GIMA, I mentioned that my W just bought an additional airline ticket for my daughter to join me and my son on our football trip. She said that she’s just trying to be nice…and that my mom would enjoy playing with my daughter while the guys were at the football game. I don’t know how to read this. During Labor Day weekend, my W is taking the kids (with her parents) to a Florida Gator football game. So I just ordered matching Gator t-shirts for W and kid to wear at the game. This may be pursuing, but I think this fits with my W’s love language.

She also made a big deal out of my son’s first day of kindergarten (today). I sent her a text message saying “I just wanted to say you did a marvelous job making our son’s first day of school a very special one.” I did this b/c I meant it…also one of her biggest complaints to me is that I believe she never does anything right. So I wanted to give her an affirmation.

Can you inform me of the action items you think may come across as pursuing so that I don’t unknowingly perform them on my own?

And finally, I hope that you’re right about your last statement. I do believe she still loves me and wants to be with me…she just wants the pain to go away. When she said this to me, I stated “divorce will only take away the short-term pain…the long-term pain will follow our family forever.”

Sandi…as always…I value you opinion. I think I’m going to have to lean on both you and GIMA over the next 7 weeks. Please be patient with me.

Kind Regards,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

It's weird, I feel very detached from my W today versus yesterday. It's the fact we have kids that makes detachment temporary.

I understand. The way I reconciled this was to realize that if I didn't detach, I would not be much good as afather since I would be in a pretty awful place emotionally. If I didn't have myself in order, there's no way I could be there for my kids.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello GIMA,

You mentioned in one of you previous posts that you were an attorney, but not practicing family law. But I would like you opinion anyway, if you don't mind.

I just got a ear full from one of my buddies who succeeded in busting his divorce...and he's got me a bit concerned now.

I mentioned to him that my W has seen a divorce attorney and is filling out financial affidavits. She's sending over the paperwork next week. She also has gone to her boss to cut down on her travel. She used to travel 2-3 days per week. It appears to my friend that my W is putting her action plan together. He is strongly suggesting that I see an attorney immediately. I have resisted this action with the hope of my W coming to her senses and working things out with me.

My friend's W did the same thing my W is doing now. He mentioned that her attorney is going to paint me in a VERY BAD way. Fortunately for my friend, his W saw the light and didn't file and they are now fully reconciled. Nonetheless, my friend is telling me to get prepared NOW.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks...LFH

[givingitmyall]

Hello GIMA,

You mentioned in one of you previous posts that you were an attorney, but not practicing family law. But I would like you opinion anyway, if you don't mind.

I just got a ear full from one of my buddies who succeeded in busting his divorce...and he's got me a bit concerned now.

I mentioned to him that my W has seen a divorce attorney and is filling out financial affidavits. She's sending over the paperwork next week. She also has gone to her boss to cut down on her travel. She used to travel 2-3 days per week. It appears to my friend that my W is putting her action plan together. He is strongly suggesting that I see an attorney immediately. I have resisted this action with the hope of my W coming to her senses and working things out with me.

My friend's W did the same thing my W is doing now. He mentioned that her attorney is going to paint me in a VERY BAD way. Fortunately for my friend, his W saw the light and didn't file and they are now fully reconciled. Nonetheless, my friend is telling me to get prepared NOW.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks...LFH

Nothing wrong with going to speak to an attorney. You don't have to tell you did. Just realize an attorney is not in the business of reconciling your M. He/She is there to represent YOUR interests.

If it would put you at ease, then make an appointment - initial consult is usually free.

It never hurts to be prepared. If it gets to that point, she may actually be surprised you went to speak to one - a little dose of reality.

[Looking_For_Help]

Thanks GIMA. My buddy gave me the phone # of his wife's divorce attorney...he thought they were pitbulls...some of the toughest in town. I think I'll try to make an appointment this week.

Now just to "journalize"...I'm feeling much more positive this evening, that is I'm feeling detached from my W. I picked up the kids from school and purchased them Burger King as a treat since it was their first day at school. I gave them baths, read to them, had ice cream with them, and put them to bed. W came home from work aroung 7:00 p.m. She tried to call me around 5:30, got her message, but I didn't call back. I didn't feel like talking with her. When she came home, I had few words for her, but was cordial towards her...asked how her day went...etc.

I'm just going to take it one day at a time. If I have one foot on today and one foot on tomorrow...I'll fall on my arss. Don't worry about tomorrow...focus on today...or atleast that's what I trying to convince myself.

GIMA: After this is all said and done, I suspect you're going to be a bestselling author.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

No one's beating down the door to publish my work! Too funny.

Just stick with one day at a time and keep focusing on detachment. It takes a little time to get there. And its strange b/c when you get there you'll know it. And you will be much better off.

[Looking_For_Help]

I recall reading a post a while back from either Puppy Dog or Gucci. Anyways, it was asked in this post "why do you want to be with a woman who doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you?" I can't get this question out of my mind this morning. I'm asking myself, "does my W really not love me...does she really not want to be with me...or is it that she simply wants the pain to go away?" I love my W and want to be with her, and I also want the pain to go away. But I'm still here trying to fight the good fight regardless of my pain, and most importantly, I don't want to scar the kids with the pain of a divorce.

I know I'm supposed to be re-detaching at this time. I guess this type of thinking is part of the process...I went through it 4 weeks ago when I finally gave up.

Just some "journalizing"...
LFH

[sandi2]

Hi LFH, you asked my opinion about the Love Dare book and if you should use it at this time. I feel that there are many places in the book that would be seen as pursuing and some of the "dares" could make a LBH appear to be very clingy & needy. It is a good book for making improvements in a MR and even though it says it is for a M hanging by a thread or healthy & strong.....I am very leary of certain parts of it. For example, calling your W in the middle of a work day for no special reason to let her know you are thinking about her. That is pursuing. Most of the things that include "talking" to her is seen as being too needy & pursing IMHO. The things it suggests that does not include discusions with your S seems to be okay. I personally feel that this would not be the time to verbally do the things it suggests. Hopefully, going to the retreat will bring about the right time for all of that.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi,

Yes, I agree with you. After reading 1/4 of the LOVE DARE, I realized that it would be too much pursuing...but it is a very good book nonetheless.

Right now I'm focusing on "chilling out" over the next 7 weeks until Retro arrives. I pulled out my DR book today to re-read many of the chapters. I'm back to detaching as much as possible. This evening I placed most of my energy on the kids. Rolled all over the family room floor with them...I laughed more than they did. My W observed from a distance while sitting on the side couch and doing some work. We didn't have much to say to each other...I was giving her space/distance. I do believe; however, she was getting annoyed that the kids preferred to play with me this evening. On several occassions, I directed the kids toward their mother...just to be nice.

I noticed my W got a hair cut today. I didn't say anything b/c I didn't want to be seen as pursuing.

I had a sense of confidence for most part of the day. I really felt that I was going to be o.k. regardless of what my W decides to do. This was further enhanced when I took my daughter to Publix to pick up a few things. As we walked by the pharmacy, the cute redhead pharmacist lost focus with her customer and smiled at me as I passed by...I smiled back...Gucci would have been proud of me.

Anyways...this is just another part of the rollercoaster ride. Who knows what tomorrow will have in store for me??

-LFH