Yep, I agree with Jo. Get away for a weekend. Away from W and away from brushfires.
Quote: My W actually has been specific about why she distrusts me, but a lot of that distrust is out of fear, not reality
Careful, guy. You can have an irrational fear, and know it is an irrational fear, but simply because you know it, does not necessarily remove the fear or keep it from controlling you or your behaviors.
She has to learn how to battle her fear and her anger. She has to learn that she can act in a loving manner toward you, still have sex with you, and even ENJOY sex with you despite her anger. I had to learn that, and it was very, very tough.
There were times when my H would initiate sex and I would go absolutely rigid. I knew I was feeling fear and anger. I knew why I was reacting that way (out of habit), but it still did not stop happening. Do you know how hard it is to enjoy physical contact when you are emeshed in fear and anger? Well, if you don't, let me tell you, it ain't fun.
What my H had to learn how to do was not take these immediate responses from me personally. I have to say he was pretty willing to do that, too. What I had to do was learn to trust him in an intimate fashion. I would tell him how I was feeling, and he would talk to me about it, but he would not stop touching me. He'd encourage me to relax, he'd slow down, he'd tell me it's okay, but I had to keep reminding myself over and over and over again that HE was not the enemy, my fear and my anger were.
God, at first this was so hard, because it was soooo easy to give in to the anger and fear. Sometimes we'd sail through it, and other times, I'd fail miserably, and we'd get into a huge fight.
But what made the biggest difference is when he finally backed off of his endless verbal and emotional criticism of me, and then I found the book. He is now slowly beginning to realize that he has some of his own work to do in that department. He had no idea how critical he was being, and can sometimes continue to be... he doesn't INTEND to be critical, but he is learning that that is how it is coming out... and I'm not the only one who sees it that way. This is rooted in the fact that he is not the best communicator in the world. But he's working on it!!
Anyway, this took us some time, but we came through it. You will, too.
And if you don't want to go back to a shrink right now, that's cool. Hang tight. Let her make some progress first. That in and of itself could motivate you to make some changes too... not because you feel you have to, but simply because you feel like you want to.
Quote: but if she really loved me, why would she knowingly deprive me of the single thing she knew I wanted from the relationship. She KNOWINGLY, and WILLFULLY, deprived me of it.
Hm. Give yourself some room, here. If nothing else, at least be willing to accept that while your interpretation of her actions may very well be accurate, admit that you may also be MISSING some additional critical information that would change your understanding significantly enough to realize that it isn't YOU she was rejecting and never was.
You can't see that now, I know. But at least try to make room for the possibility.
You sound much, much better today, and I'm glad to hear it. Like Jo said, try to take better care of yourself. Slow down a little if you can, go work out, get some more sleep.
I'm nagging. Sorry. You're a big boy, I'm sure you know this. So since you do, then start doing it.
