I understand the points you want to make to your wife, but at this point, the two of you are still speaking different languages. AND THAT'S OKAY.
I'm not suggesting you let her lacerate you and all you do is stand there and take it. Like I said, you do not have to 'agree' with what she is saying.
You two are still not 'hearing' each other, and that could be because you are still very early in this process. C9, you can continue to try and make your point to her about your lack of intimacy, but try to understand that she is not to the 'comprehension' stage just yet. She'll get there. She's only been to two counseling sessions.
Perhaps the next time you talk about trust, you can draw her out a little more so you can understand what that 'blanket' statement means. Instead of rising to defend yourself, ask her if she thinks she can further explain what she means by lack of trust.
I mean, 'lack of trust' is such a blanket statement, I don't blame you for getting defensive. Jesus, I'm sure that feels like a direct hit to the basic fabric of your character. I'm sure you feel, "well, of course I'm a trustworthy person, how the hell could you even say that?"
However, this could be a possible scenario for what is going on with her, because believe it or not, I understand the statement she is making to you as I have made it myself to my H.
When we were at our worst time, I did not in fact 'trust' my H and told him so. Now had I bothered to really think about what I was saying, I would have realized what an unfair thing that was to say to him. Because:
I trusted him to go to work every day. I trusted that he loved our children as much as I did. I trusted that he was a kind man. I trusted that he was an excellent father. I trusted that he was an ethical man. I trusted him with my life.
And the list went on and on... you get the gist.
So for me to say that I didn't 'trust' him in a blanket kind of way was soooooo unfair, and he was deeply offended when I would say such a thing to him. Well, sh!t, who could blame him?
The shrink went through this exercise with me, and I was amazed to find how much I DID trust my H. So then what I had to do was figure out what specific thing I did NOT trust him with. When I was able to do that, I could explain it to my H, and because I was not leveling a gereral character assassination at him, he was able to HEAR me. He was able to acknowledge the roll he was playing in my mistrust of one very specific behavior of his. When that one very specific behavior of his was changed and removed, there was no reason for me NOT to trust him. But he couldn't DO anything for me until he knew what it was. I think you would probably be very willing to do the same for your wife if you knew what the hell she was talking about.
There could also be 'trust' issues she has with you that she is hanging on to out of habit, not because she doesn't really 'trust' you. Until she is led through an exercise where she really has to figure out what her issue is, she will continue to hang on to those out dated trust issues.
Do you see what I mean? This is an exercise you can do with her, or it is one you can suggest she do on her own, or with her shrink. What do you think?
Quote: I told her again that I can imagine us being in a great relationship, I just DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE. She said she does not know either.
You know what? You two AGREED on something. This is a reason to celebrate. The two of you were able to acknowledge to each other that you don't have all the answers. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Of course you LOVE each other, even though you may not feel 'LOVING' toward each other AT THE MOMENT. And, like Johanna said, she was looking for reassurance from you that you still loved her and wanted to work things out. Why would she do that if she didn't love you and was getting ready to bail?
She loves you, guy. She just does not know how to act in a LOVING manner toward you. I'm sorry, but your wife does not sound to me to be so absent of intelligence that she would hang with you for so long if she DIDN'T love you.
Physcial intimacy is probably the most significant way you share and express your love. But just because she does not express her love in the same manner does not mean she does not love you. What it means is that she is misinterpreting your actions. That IS ALL.
WHY she is misinterpreting your actions is probably linked to her 'trust' issue -- what she still needs to identify.
Yes, you do need to get things off your chest -- and I hope that you will make time to go see a counselor yourself very soon. You've got a lot of your own anger and resentment to work through. But remember, she has the SSM book, and she IS reading it. That book is talking for you, okay? There is a mountain of stuff to absorb there. Give her some time. If she at any point experiences the horror I did when I realized what I was so unintentionally doing to my H by not having sex with him -- you just can't even imagine. It's a really, really tough one to own.
Because you are living out of your car, because you are working UNGODLY long hours, because you are stressed, lonely, scared, and probably depressed, I'd say it is going to be a little tough for you to see the progress the two of you are making. As an outsider looking in, compared to where you were and where you are now, I'd say the two of you have come an incredibly long way.
Are YOU willing to trust ME on this one? If so, let up on yourself a little and acknowledge that your judement may be off a little given the ungodly stress you are under.
It's okay, you can do this -- I KNOW you can because I truly think you are the only person I've ever met in my life who is actually as stubborn as I am. And I'm one hell of a gal. Which means you must be one hell of a guy.
Just keep posting. And if you find that my endless stream of optimism, lectures and incredible whit and wisdom is grating on your nerves, just tell me, and I'll back off. (At least I'm pretty sure I can back off).
You can do this. Hey, I believe in you. Now how lucky can one guy get, huh?
