My W went to her second session today, and emailed me to check in with her. I stopped by her office (remember we work together.... UGH!), and I closed the door to hear what she wanted to talk about. We talked about trust. She keeps reiterating that about me..."I have to be able to trust you". I tell her that this is a fine thing to expect, but that sometimes the standards she sets for me can be too exacting, and that the boundaries move to suit her. She asked if I was giving up on the marriage, which surprised me a little, since it showed she didn't want me to...it was the way she said it. I told her again that I can imagine us being in a great relationship, I just DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE. She said she does not know either.
I may have brought the mood down with this, but I had to get it off my chest: I told her that I have put the pieces of our history together, and believe that she has not loved me for much of our marriage, that in fact she finds me repulsive. I long thought that she loved me because, after all, she was still with me. But I think she just has a stronger moral compass than I do....she stayed because it was she made a commitment, but not because she LOVED me. I told her that, when we made love in the past, she just wanted me off of her as quickly as possible, making me feel that I was objectifying her. I have rarely felt wanted by her. She said that she can't see herself always enjoying "the act". I replied that that would likely be a problem for me; if she doesn't enjoy it, I sure as hell won't either, and we'll be right here again. I had an opening, and had to get honest. This isn't just about me sitting back and taking a beating, ladies. We both have issues to bring to the table. But when she talks about her feelings and needs, I hear her out lovingly. I want her to get it all out, for once!
I told her that I ned to find a place to call home, and will be getting an apartment. I am on 3 weeks of living out of my car, and I can't do it much more. I am working 15 hour days, pretty much precluding any reading of DB for now. I collapse at midnight, and rise to get back to work at 7. I'm not hiding; I'm really this busy.
Anyway...blah, blah, blah. I better get back to work here. Check ya later. Sweet dreams.
