What does he want?

[dburt]

How about if he calls, do not answer? This would be a good 180 for you.

Time to start thinking with your head and not by your feelings.

Hard for you to take his stares, he is trying to tell you, please just shut up and let me deal with this in my own way. This is his problem, let him work it out.

Let's see how you do. I want to give you an atagirl, have not seen anything in your previous posts to give you one yet.

Burt

[cantbreathe]

Well, we had a good evening last night. The first half of the evening was quiet and tense, but later (maybe when he realized I wasn't trying to talk about it?) we hung out with the kids, he asked me to help him trim his neck while shaving, and we watched a tv show together before bed. It wasn't perfect but it was the best night we've had since all this started. We actually laughed. When I found myself wanting to follow him around I went to my room and journaled and then ran out to the store and called a friend. I think I did pretty good job.

D7 threw up in the night and after I had her back to bed and comfy, I went back to bed and found H awake. I went by his side of the bed and told him about D and then not thinking leaned down to give him a kiss and say night, love you. There was a pause (in which I kicked myself) and he said "I love you too." He hasn't said it in a week. It felt great, but I will keep it in check better today.

Btw - Burt, did the pretty undies thing last night. No comment but, I saw him looking.

Today, I think I will try not answering when if he calls. I don't have to work, so it doesn't matter what time he gets off work.

[cantbreathe]

Oh, one other thing I could use some feedback about. Last week, he was talking about going to a reunion pre-party at a bar for the 20 year reunion for the class before his. He's talking about going with a male friend of his. I think it's likely that the OW could show up there since she is trying to reconnect with old friends. I know he hasn't talked to her, but I am worried but him running in to her. When he brought it up last week, I told him I was really uncomfortable with it and maybe we could go together. Since it's a reunion, I think most people will bring spouses. He was noncommittal, didn't think others would bring spouses. We let it drop and haven't discussed it since, but it's this Friday and I would like to have a response ready if he brings it up. I think we are too fragile to risk seeing her right now.

Thoughts?

[Stronger]

If I were in your spot, and at this point in my journey, I sort of am I would STOP TALKING TO HIM ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
I think you would really benefit from How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I’ve recommended that book to most women on this board, but I swear, you and your H sound like one of the couples the two authors used during their many studies.
You’ve mentioned many times that he’s yet to say he wants to leave or separate….that’s really really good. So why do you keep starting conversations with him where he could possibly say something like that? (I think that’s the number one reason to avoid R talks…don’t let them say it out loud therefore putting pressure on them to follow through.)
I can tell you why because I did it too….and it was a mistake. You want reassurances. You want him to say “Hey Baby, I’m just out of my mind for the time being. I’ll be back in just a short while but know that I love you and we’ll be fine.”
Heads up….he’s not going to say that to you. Ever.
Stop saying I love you. Let it go for a bit. Take the pressure off…you’ll be grateful you did. He does love you. He’s still there, and that’s proof enough.
I do 100% agree with you…what he said to D when you left was indeed crappy. I think you handled it very well.

Read this article.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all
Let me know what you think.

[Stronger]

I would want to go if I were you too. I understand completely and I don't think you are wrong to feel this way. I would ask to be his date for the evening.

[cantbreathe]

Awesome article. Thank you! In fact, just a while ago, talking to my friend I think I had a little epiphany. I've been saying it, but not hearing it. He has only ever said he thinks about leaving or doesn't know if he loves when I push him to talk. If I kept my mouth shut, in all likelihood, he would just want to slide back into our life and we could reclaim our family or at least he would probably not bring it up unprovoked. Yes, conversations need to be had...eventually. Not now.

I was amazed last night by how enjoyable the latter half of our evening was. I am encouraged and determined to ride this out. How could I have not seen that I pushed him to every hurtful comment? The original problem is on him, and yes he's played a role here, but I think it's time I own my part.

I will check the library for that book right now. Thanks for the recommendation.

He texted me about when he'll be home. I'm not answering. I am cooking dinner. If he's not here when it's done, we will eat without him.

[cantbreathe]

You want reassurances. You want him to say “Hey Baby, I’m just out of my mind for the time being. I’ll be back in just a short while but know that I love you and we’ll be fine.”
Heads up….he’s not going to say that to you. Ever.
Stop saying I love you. Let it go for a bit. Take the pressure off…you’ll be grateful you did. He does love you. He’s still there, and that’s proof enough.

Yes - that's exactly what I want. And you're right. I'm not ever going to get it. His being here is going to have be enough.

[Stronger]

I think in your situation, you don't have to go dark. I think if you want to respond to him go ahead. What would you do in "normal" circumstances?

I think the space he needs is simple: NO R talks, he's done with that and probably never really wanted to get into it in the first place. Second, lay off the ILYs for now.

Keep up with the cuddling. Maybe don't ask him, just do it. He's been relatively responsive to it. If he sits in another chair, let him. Make it clear you aren't bothered by it.

But I think you can agree, he needs some emotional space for sure.

Maybe you sexy up a bit? Make it a little more spicy? I think too often we become blah about our sexuality and don't think enough about it. Some sexy panties and bras go a long way....put them on and "forget" something you need in another part of the room and walk past him. Make sure he sees you. Sneaky but hey, everyone benefits!

You can do this.

[cantbreathe]

I would answer if he calls, or at least send a text saying ok.

I would like to keep up the cuddling. We've always been a very touchy couple. I think it helps our connection because he's not a talker. I will keep it low key and watch to see how he responds. I will lay off the ily's even if it's hard.

Thank you so much for the support. I check the library and they have the book. I'm going to get it now.

[dburt]

Atagirl!

Burt