I broke a carnal DB rule today, but I think ultimately it will help me detach. I took the boys to the aquarium today ( by the way, scifigirl, the plans with theboys isn't entirely out of the norm, but I have to admit I thought about how it might look to w). Anyway, we used to take the boys there all the time. I texted her that the boys were having fun, but it wasn't the same without her, and I missed her being there. Of course, the text back was that she was glad the boys were having fun. Here's where I mixed up hope and expectation. I hoped for a positive reply, but didn't expect one, but was disapponted anyway. I know I shouldn't have done it. However, I got a bit angry as well as sad, and I am trying to use the anger to help detach. I love her, but I don't like her right now.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Oddly, I find the only thing that allows me to detach at times is being angry at W. The problem is, I don't want to stay angry as I am not that type of person. As soon as my anger resides, I am back to wishing things weren't the way they are.
I know what you are saying,
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I broke a carnal DB rule today, but I think ultimately it will help me detach. I took the boys to the aquarium today ( by the way, scifigirl, the plans with theboys isn't entirely out of the norm, but I have to admit I thought about how it might look to w). Anyway, we used to take the boys there all the time. I texted her that the boys were having fun, but it wasn't the same without her, and I missed her being there. Of course, the text back was that she was glad the boys were having fun. Here's where I mixed up hope and expectation. I hoped for a positive reply, but didn't expect one, but was disapponted anyway. I know I shouldn't have done it. However, I got a bit angry as well as sad, and I am trying to use the anger to help detach. I love her, but I don't like her right now.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich, we've all been there but you are just testing her and she knows it. Eventually, you'll stop and I hope it is before you decide that you hate her when really, you know exactly what you're doing.
If I have declared that my favorite cheese is mozzarella and you keep trying to convince me it is brie, I'll fight you to the death. If you sneak me a little brie here and there, hmmm...I might just take a liking and eventually concede that it is better.
Sorry for my metaphor but I hope it makes the point...
Oddly, I find the only thing that allows me to detach at times is being angry at W. The problem is, I don't want to stay angry as I am not that type of person. As soon as my anger resides, I am back to wishing things weren't the way they are.
I know what you are saying,
Kevin
That is not detachment. Anger can be a path toward it but detachment feels good in a way that anger does not.
It just seems to have been the only way for me at times was all I was saying. I wasn't saying it was the best method.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
If I have declared that my favorite cheese is mozzarella and you keep trying to convince me it is brie, I'll fight you to the death. If you sneak me a little brie here and there, hmmm...I might just take a liking and eventually concede that it is better.
AAK, you are one smart and insightful lady!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
However, I got a bit angry as well as sad, and I am trying to use the anger to help detach. I love her, but I don't like her right now.
Originally Posted By: K4D
Oddly, I find the only thing that allows me to detach at times is being angry at W....As soon as my anger resides, I am back to wishing things weren't the way they are.
You are still allowing "them" to control and sway your emotions.
side note: anger is not a good way to form detachment. It has a tendency to lead to hatred. Those are the most bitter of divorces.
It just seems to have been the only way for me at times was all I was saying. I wasn't saying it was the best method.
Kevin
Kevin, I have nothing but empathy and affection for everyone here, especially you. However, you are telling me you understand and you don't. You really really don't.
Your anger relieves your pain temporarily. It has nothing to do with detaching. Perhaps anger can proceed detachment but since you are either angry OR overly invested in W, I don't think anger gets you there. Read other threads, read Thinkers thread, read Smileys thread, read my thread. Stop getting hung up on dating or morality or religious differences. NO one is telling you to give up or to date or to violate your religious convictions...just flippin' read about what works and what has led others to a place of peace and self-assuredness. I would bet everything I've got that your W will never truly come back to you unless you man the heck up and get this detachment thing for real. Maybe if she's really desperate and feels sorry for you, she'll come back to you and you can have THAT kind of jacked up relationship but really Kevin, don't you think God has called on you to go through this so you can have better???? Sorry to even throw in God because I am not religious but I get where you come from and if you could get the concepts within the context of your religion, I think there'd be more likelihood of change.
That's all I'm saying about that. I feel like an a** even trying. But I wish you luck.
