My sitch...long but please indulge me

[pearlharbr]

I forgot...I was going to recommend you not being at her beck and call once she moves out. You'll have to figure out what works for your own sitch, but I think a good 180 would be to let her handle her own life.

[billclay18]

Yep...I already see that coming. Not exactly sure how to handle it. Should I be "unavailable" which could be perceived as avoidance or being angry/bitter...or just straight forward, "under the circumstances I cannot allow you to depend on me like a H as you always have" or something to that affect. It has to be me telling her what is acceptable to me and not me asking her to stop depending on me.

I guess I'll worry about it if and when it happens.

[pearlharbr]

Well, assuming you are pursuing GAL activities, you will be unavailable at times. How she perceives the sitch is up to her, not you. Can be handled by not answering her calls and when returning them hours/day(s) later simply saying, "Sorry I missed your call. Hope you got X sorted out."

If you feel like you need to define some boundaries I would take care with how you phrase it. Try to come across as matter of fact, not rude.

BTW, what are your GAL activities?

[billclay18]

Yes, I will have to work on the phrasing. Maybe more like "I realize you've come to depend on me over the past 4 yrs, but will not always be available like I was".

As far as GAL activities...I've been bike riding on a regular basis, reading books (something I never did), I went to the movies by myself last week for the first time (a little uncomfortable, but it was fine...saw the funniest movie I've seen in years), reconnecting with friends. I'm even thinking of taking a cooking class since I love to cook.

Next week I will be painting my D's room and will be busy in the months to come getting the house ready to sell after the 1st of the year.

I'm not sitting around waiting for something to happen.

[pearlharbr]

Your GAL activities sound good! Have you thought about trying something new in which you may meet new people? Like a book club? I found that the more I interacted with both old friends and new acquaintances I realized what I liked/didn't like about myself and felt good knowing that other people enjoyed spending time with me even if BF didn't. Plus I found out that I can do things I previously never thought I could do (like getting six-pack abs!). Watching the movie Yes Man really inspired me.

And good job rearranging your bedroom! I would have done that but it was already exactly the way I wanted it. I did take down all photos of BF and replaced them with photos of me having fun!

[billclay18]

Interesting conversation with my W last night. W came in my room last night as I was on the computer and made some small talk for a while. I went downstairs to get something to drink and when I got back she was in her room. I said “goodnight” from the hallway but got no reply. She came into my room and asked what I said. I told her I said “goodnight”. She then sat on the bed and continued with the small talk. I knew she had something on her mind but didn’t ask. Then she proceeds to tell me she was planning to leave me a note on Friday to say “goodbye”. I told her we’ll have time to say goodbye before she moves out Saturday. She then asked if I was going to be O.K. I looked her in the eye and told her I was fine. She then said she knows she broke my heart and hopes I start to heal once she’s gone. I again looked her in the eye and said “things happen, I’m fine…you just take care of you”, turning my concern to her well being. I showed her a strong man that will be just fine without her. This was the first time I’ve seen pain in her eyes. Whether it’s just the reality that it’s over (is it???), guilt or whatever, who knows. She seemed to be hurting and I felt bad for her. I resisted the temptation to try to console her. As much as I wanted to hold her and tell her it will be O.K., I didn’t. I think she needs to deal with what she’s feeling on her own for now. Conversation then turned to small talk again for another 20 minutes or so until I told her I was going to bed.

Not making too much of this, but it was good to see that side if my W again.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Interesting conversation with my W last night. W came in my room last night as I was on the computer and made some small talk for a while. I went downstairs to get something to drink and when I got back she was in her room. I said “goodnight” from the hallway but got no reply. She came into my room and asked what I said. I told her I said “goodnight”. She then sat on the bed and continued with the small talk. I knew she had something on her mind but didn’t ask. Then she proceeds to tell me she was planning to leave me a note on Friday to say “goodbye”. I told her we’ll have time to say goodbye before she moves out Saturday. She then asked if I was going to be O.K. I looked her in the eye and told her I was fine. She then said she knows she broke my heart and hopes I start to heal once she’s gone. I again looked her in the eye and said “things happen, I’m fine…you just take care of you”, turning my concern to her well being. I showed her a strong man that will be just fine without her. This was the first time I’ve seen pain in her eyes. Whether it’s just the reality that it’s over (is it???), guilt or whatever, who knows. She seemed to be hurting and I felt bad for her. I resisted the temptation to try to console her. As much as I wanted to hold her and tell her it will be O.K., I didn’t. I think she needs to deal with what she’s feeling on her own for now. Conversation then turned to small talk again for another 20 minutes or so until I told her I was going to bed.

Bill,

I just wanted to stop by and say that I know that must have been very hard, but you handled this ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY.

Nicely done.

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Sounds like you handled that well. Good job on not reaching out to comfort her and end the small talk first.

Remember, don't jump for joy at small improvements or jump off a cliff at negative interactions. Just try to put them all on a shelf for observation and keep moving forward. I know it's hard but you're doing great so far.

Here's something from Puppy (I think) to keep in your hip pocket for when she starts talking about breaking your heart or being sad, "Yes, this is hard on both of us." Validating, neutral.

What are your plans for moving day? Are you still going to help out or make yourself scarce?

[billclay18]

Sometimes it's hard to know how to react/respond...getting a thumbs up from folks like yourself, gucci, etc. means alot...thanks Puppy!

[billclay18]

I'm helping her tomorrow night moving some furniture downstairs, taking a desk & a bed apart, whatever else needs to be done. The night before I may be going to a local neighborhood festival. Moving day I won't be home...going biking riding with my BIL's and sister. It's only going to take her an hour or so to be out...most everything in the house was mine before we got married.