Been out of touch, and offline, for much of the week. It's almost 11pm here in L.A., the brush fires are about to burn the town down, and I'm holed up in my office where I've sleeping most nights the past few weeks. Fortunately, I am extremely busy with work, which is allowing me something of an escape.
The past week, the W and I haven't spoken much, but I've been there to help her as much as I can. She started her therapy, and is telling me that she's going thru SSM with a highlighter and bringing the notes to therapy. I took our younger daughter, age 3.5 years, to pre-school yesterday morning, and noticed that she was very sad. I called my W at home (she was taking the day off for herself) and told her about it, then later in the day I called to check on how she was doing, and we ended up in a 45 minuted back-and-forth about how I have failed her in our marriage. It didn't go very well, but I told her that I lvoe her and we hung up. This morning, I received this email at work from her:
**I'm sorry about our conversation yesterday. After you called me in morning about (our daughter), it sent me into a tailspin of guilt, fear, sadness and anger. I have decided today, not to focus my attention on fear but rather on change, hopefully I can stick with that. One day at a time, right? No need to respond, just wanted to say that I am sorry you get that anger thrown your way, whether deserved or not. A lifetime of that with anyone would, or has, crumble any marriage.**
Well, I have been scratching my head over this one ever since. Who did she speak to after our conversation? This IS NOT her talking. My W does not admit fault. Can she really change? Does she mean business? These are the things I'm thinking.
Meanwhile, I plan to maintain our separation, since I too have to evaluate my feelings, and my willingness to give it another shot. An email isn't enough, but it isn't bad either. I have a friend who is going to let me stay in a spare bedroom in his place, and I'm looking at apartments too. She needs time to go through her therapy, and I need time for myself too.
I will probably check back in late Monday. Hope you are doing well.
