Just want my H back

[pearlharbr]

Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is helping me and hurting chances for reconciliation, or vice versa

I would always choose to help yourself first. After all, you are responsible for your own happiness.

how did you do things different w OW in the picture? How did you show that your grass was greener, if you will?

In my sitch, the first bomb was "I'm not happy because of x,y,z." Ok, so I took immediate action to address those issues. A few weeks later I discovered proof of the OW (who I suspected immediately but BF denied). I didn't really change what I was doing but I knew then that BF was not interested in working on our R because he was already involved in another one. At the same time I discovered DB and was better able to understand (after some time) that I needed to work on me first and foremost. I also eventually realized how much I had changed in the years we'd been together and that I liked the old me better and started being that person again.

Re: Stronger's explanation of GAL, I agree in general but would handle the third example much differently. Yes, a good reason for GAL is to create some curiosity about what you're up to these days. But there's no need to explain everything. In Stronger's example I would NOT have told who I was with and what I was doing. If asked, I would have simply replied that I was out for the evening or maybe at the movies and let him wonder with whom. When BF would call I wouldn't answer the phone. Instead I listened to his vm to see if he wanted something specific or just general checking up on me. I kept communication to business only because my personal life was no longer any of his business. I did ask him to watch the cats when I went out of town but didn't tell him where or why I was traveling. He never asked me specifics so I didn't elaborate but if he had, I would have responded generically and let him wonder. We have enough mutual friends that if he had asked around he could have figured it out but the info was not going to come from me.

Also, sex was out of the question for me. I stated many times over the course of our R that I do not believe in sharing. I think that's part of the reason BF had an EA/PA because he knew it was the one thing I would not tolerate and would therefore force me to be the one to end it (cowardly). At first, when I found out and didn't throw him out, it threw him for a loop. Then he was enjoying the cake eating and I was growing more resentful by the day. I realized that I just could not tolerate it and said enough, packed him a bag and he was out. Yes, he ran straight to the OW and moved in with her for a month. I don't know what happened during that time and I don't really want to know. But then he got his own apartment and started telling me he wanted to work things out. So in my sitch I think forcing them together (and exposing to anyone who asked) took the excitement out of the affair and ended it quicker.

I have been working on them and taking accountability for a lot of things...the issue is he doesn't seem to want - at least not know - to even give me the chance to 'show' him I have changed.

Take accountability for your actions and change to make yourself a better person. It has nothing to do with your H, it has to do with self discovery and self improvement. Remember, you can't control anyone's actions but your own. Your H isn't interested in working on your M now. That's a fact. If/when he is, Stronger's H is right: the only way he will believe in your changes is if he observes consistent behavior over time. Plus trying to "make him see" is both pursuing and controlling, neither is attractive in a partner.

My H has a tendency to not step up to the plate...in which case it may be that he does not take action to file. But I don't want to be in limbo forever.

This is tricky. I was in a similar sitch in that I wanted BF to man up and be the one to leave if that's what he wanted, but eventually I realized that he was too much of a coward, I was done and ready to move on. I would just take things one day at a time, you'll know in your gut when you want or need to take further action.

Let him pursue, me - GAL, and then start w a friendship and see positive stuff in me.

I'm going to say it again because I don't think you get it yet: stop making this about your H and start making it about you. Be happy and fulfilled, a woman only a fool would leave. If your H chooses to leave...enough said. If he chooses to come back you can decide if he is good enough for you.